Annoying waste-of-flesh Roger (Jon Heder) is abused by his betters (who really are better) till he breaks down weeping. A friend gives him information about a secret class taught by the mysterious Dr. P (Billy Bob Thornton) that should make him less of a loser. Once there, he is abused by Dr. P and his assistant, Lesher (Michael Clarke Duncan) until he wins a paintball game. This causes Dr. P to become “competitive” and steal Amanda, Roger’s girl (Jacinda Barrett). Can Roget defeat Dr. P? Will failed student and recluse Lonnie (Ben Stiller) get to anally rape Lesher? Will Sarah Silverman fire her agent for getting her a tiny part in a movie she’s far too good for? Will you wake up when the credits roll wondering where you are?
Obviously, this isn’t a Post-War British Comedy (unless the war is Vietnam—or maybe the Gulf War?—and Britain is a town just north of L.A.), but the original School for Scoundrels was. I like to take a look at remakes of the movement’s films and see if they provide a clever updating of the concepts, or are an abomination before man, God, and movie critic. So far, things haven’t looked too good. Oh who am I kidding? They’re all abominations. 2004’s The Lady Killers was to comedy what salt and a cheese grater are to first degree burns. This unholy remake in not so painful, mainly because it isn’t competent enough. It’s just flacid.
I doubt director and co-writer Todd Phillips ever saw the 1959 version. Perhaps, during a drunken evening, he heard a few garbled sentences about a weak willed guy and a school to make him win and a tennis game. Those are about the only similar elements. He certainly missed the comic basis of the movie: it was a school for scoundrels, where the students learned how to appear to be gentlemanly while making others feel weak and foolish. Phillips gives us a school for assholes. Dr. P yells until everyone learns to be aggressive and unpleasant. Since nothing makes them tough, being aggressive would just get them beaten up, which is touched on, and then ignored.
OK, so he missed the scoundrels aspect. Fine. He could still make a moderately funny movie from a different concept. But he doesn’t. No one connected to the film seems to know what they are making. Jacinda Barrett is in a romantic, date-friendly comedy with heart. Too bad her love interest, Jon Heder, isn’t in that film. (Wait a minute. Jon Heder, i.e. Napoleon Dynamite, is the love interest? Were they high when casting this flick?) Heder is in a sophomoric Revenge of the Nerds rip-off. He hyperventilates and falls down a lot. Billy Bob Thornton is in a dark, edgy, shock comedy. Well, call it a PG-13, emasculated, dingy, rounded-edged, mildly uncertain comedy. It looks like once he got on set and found the film had no teeth that he just took a nap. Thornton’s more bored performing than I was watching, and I only stayed awake speculating on what bland bit of comedy they’d fail to execute next.
I suppose I’m being unfair. There’s somewhere between 1 and 3 funny gags in the movie, depending on your taste. Though if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve got most the laughs your going to get. Yes, Heder hitting Thornton with a tennis ball my get a chuckle out of you. Him doing it twice is even better. Three times is pretty good. But you know, four isn’t an improvement. And starting an actual fight kills the comedy dead. Corpse-like. Which is what most of the film reminds me of. A drab, slightly rotting corpse. It doesn’t stink enough to offend, but it’s not something you want to spend time with.
The romance and Roger’s transformation are presented as if we’re supposed to be taking it seriously. Since there’s nothing on screen to make anyone think Amanda would even slow down if she found Roger under the tires of her car, and Roger’s only a new man because the script says so (can Heder do anything besides his Napoleon Dynamite shtick?), you’re not going to be glued to your seat for the drama. It all ends in a bizarrely unfunny, unromantic, and unrealistic segment that proves Todd Phillips hasn’t been near an airport in the last five years.
The film can be summed up by the recurring anal rape bit. Repeatedly, it’s implied that Lesher and/or Dr. P rape…somebody. And that’s it. Apparently, Phillips and company thought the mere mention of rape was a knee slapper. Hey, I’m not saying a joke about rape isn’t possible, just that no one connected to this picture is clever enough to pull it off. Or knows someone who is. Or has seen someone is passing who might be. “Clever” isn’t a word that’s used often when discussing this picture. OK, back to rape (because it’s so funny, right?). There’s two ways to go with a comedy when considering a rape joke. Either forget it (the best move 90% of the time), or go for it, gung ho with a dagger in your teeth, and an insane glint in your eye. Go nuts. Be extreme. You’ll upset a lot of people, but you might hit on some outlandish gold (anyone remember a little film called Pulp Fiction?). But School for Scoundrels doesn’t take the balls-to-the-wall route. It becomes hesitant, delicately sliding mumbled comments about sodomy in and hoping no one notices. If you plan it right, you can manage not to notice the movie at all.