Teen witch Marnie “Cromwell” Piper (Sara Paxton) heads off to college in Halloweentown, where evil forces plan to use her to enslave the friendly monsters. But first, Marnie must deal with bitchy college girls and other things that reach new heights of banality.
The fourth outing in the Halloweentown franchise (Halloweentown, Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge, Halloweentown High) raises the question: When, oh for God’s sake when, will it all end? I’m guessing not for a long time. These flicks have got to be cheap. They certainly look it. And if the producers are paying anything over minimum wage for the script, they’re being cheated. The movies last an hour and a half and couldn’t cost much more than three episodes of a Disney-channel, live action sitcom. Pumping out another lets the Mouse-House folks preempt some show they’ve already repeated five times and claim they’ve got a special event. Well, think short bus special.
Return to Halloweentown is no worse than its predecessors, which I suppose is some kind of accomplishment. But if your first film isn’t worth watching, making three more that also aren’t worth watching is a pretty minimal achievement. The first was insulting to the intelligence of children, and so is this one. Hey, more consistency! The only substantial changes are in the cast. Sara Paxton (Aquamarine) replaces Kimberly J. Brown as Marnie. Rumor has it that Brown had another job, but I can’t help but think Disney wanted to go younger—frightening since Brown was born in ’84. Paxton is pretty and heroin-chic thin. She shows no signs of being able to act, but it is unfair to judge her based on Return to Halloweentown since no one shows any signs of being able to act. Debbie Reynolds, the star draw in the earlier flicks, is technically in the film, popping up on witch-phone calls for close to a minute. She isn’t missed, though her absence spawns the ridiculous contrivance around which the plot spins. If she’d been in the film for two minutes, then Grandma Aggie could have explained what was going on and the movie could have ended right there. Damn. One minute more could have saved me an hour and a half.
While Marnie might be in the dark about the malevolent deeds taking place around her, the viewer isn’t. Everything is made clear within the first few minutes, so then it’s just a matter of waiting for Marnie to catch up. Wow, nothings more exciting than watching someone slowly figure out what you already know.
While the first film was intended for youngsters, it’s a bit unclear what the target audience is this time around. Since much of the time (far too much time) is spent on the difficulties a girl might have when leaving home for college, I’d normally guess such a movie was meant for sixteen to eighteen-year-old girls. But everything else is still geared toward the Barbie set. Perhaps the goal was to make a movie that would be entertaining to brilliant six-year-olds who finished high school at the same time as preschool. But anyone who can be described by the word “brilliant” isn’t going to be impressed.
The Disney label can mean good family fun, but don’t make the mistake of assuming that’s always the case. Sometimes, that label means you’ve found a disease that will rot your child’s mind.