Oct 091985
 
one reel

or

three reels

The Walsh family move into Nancy’s house—from the first film.  Teenager Jesse Walsh (Mark Patton) begins to have nightmares of Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), and people start dying.  Only his new girlfriend, Lisa (Kim Myers), can save him from being taken over by Freddy’s spirit.

What the hell happened?  Even with its flaws, A Nightmare On Elm Street was a reasonably smart film that left me with the feeling that I’d seen something worth thinking about.  So what led them to make this confused, moronic, sequel?  If you say money, you win a kewpie doll.  In the original, Freddy had a purpose (revenge on the children of those who killed him), and a method (he attacked in their dreams), but that’s all gone here.  Freddy pops into the real world by possessing and then reshaping a high school student; then he runs about attacking people.  Since he’s in this world, why doesn’t he get hurt?  Why does he have power?  There are no rules for Part 2.  A better plot synopses than the one I used above would be: “Stuff happens, some of it bloody.  Then more stuff happens.  Then it ends.”

So why my strange double rating?  While Part 2 fails as a horror film, it is perfect for your next homoerotic, kink party.  With the right party guests, it could be a riot.  Screenwriter David Chaskin claims that the alternate lifestyle references were unintentional, which means he’s either lying or high.

Let’s walk through the film with our rainbow specs.  Lead character, Jesse (of the sexually ambiguous name), is noticeably effeminate.  He is deeply trouble about his personal life.  Early in the film, he gets in a fight during a baseball game, where the hunky stud pulls Jesse’s pants down (yes, there is a butt shot).  Both students are required to do pushups (together).  How does Jesse react to this bully who attacked him and bared his ass?  By spending as much time with him as possible.  Now, Freddy is inside him (hmmm), trying to get out (hmmm again).  Jesse runs out at night with his shirt open and enters an alternate lifestyle bar; there he meets his leather vest-clad gym teacher.  He makes Jesse go with him to the school gym, get sweaty, and take a shower (because gym teachers can do that).  Then, by the powers of Freddy, the gym teacher is tied up, stripped (yes, more male butt shots), and spanked.  All the while, nude Jesse is watching from his foggy shower.  Later, Lisa is on the floor, spread out, waiting for Jesse to take her, but the feeling that Freddy is in him overwhelms Jesse and he jumps off of Lisa in disgust to go to the hunky stud’s bedroom (where said stud is in bed).  He asks the stud if he can sleep there.  Finally, Freddy comes out completely and impales the stud.  This isn’t exactly subtle.  So, if you are planning that subtext party and you’re tired of Xena, or just want things to be a bit more male, A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge is the three clicks choice.

 Reviews, Slashers Tagged with:
Oct 081985
 
toxic

It’s a bad, bad, bad Christmas for the Graingers.  Jack (Gary Basaraba) loses his job and their house, and Ginny (Mary Steenburgen) is stuck working double shifts and hates the holiday.  They have no hope.  Then things really go down hill.  A robbery, a car jacking, yet another job loss, and three deaths.  Luckily, Ginny is being watched by a Christmas angel (Harry Dean Stanton).  And he’s my idea of the worst angel that ever took to wing.  My God, someone, help these people!  Now!

Someone at Disney must have been hit on the head by a heavy metal pipe, perhaps by an enraged minion in a mouse costume.  The resulting concussion is the best explanation I can think of for the green-lighting of One Magic Christmas, a dreary retread of It’s a Wonderful Life, without the wonder or Christmas cheer.  This G-rated abomination is proof (yet again) that the MPAA is a useless organization and ratings should be ignored.  No child has ever been psychologically harmed by the sight of a nipple or by hearing the word “fuck,”  but this film will mess a kid up for life.

A majority of its thankfully brief running time recounts the dismal day-to-day existence of the Graingers and the tragedies that are heaped upon them on one Christmas.  George Bailey never had it this bad.  It is all told without a speck of humor or joy.  Ginny is miserable, her husband and children are getting to be, and you will be too while watching.  Suffering is no fun (I mention that because it is big news to the makers of this film) and not my idea of Christmastime entertainment.  Sure, it isn’t uncommon in films of this ilk to drag the characters down for a bit, so that their eventual salvation is more satisfying.  But there are limits.

When the magic part of One Magic Christmas finally appears, it is not only too late, but it is out of step with the rest of the film.  The Christmas angel has the right feeling as he comes off as a pedophile, but Santa doesn’t fit.  If you make a prison camp movie, don’t make Bozo the Clown a character.  The same rule applies to overwhelmingly tragic tales and Chris Kringle.  The end result is glib, and an insult to anyone who has really lost family members.  Apparently, the best way to deal with the horrible death of a spouse and young children is to visit Santa.  But then in this film, we don’t see anyone dealing with death in any fashion, realistic or otherwise.  Ginny retains the same level of melancholy no matter what happens around her.

This is not a family film, although it is advertised as such.  Keep the family far away.  One Magic Christmas isn’t fun, it isn’t meaningful, it isn’t heartwarming, and it doesn’t have lessons for the kids.  It is just demoralizing.

 Christmas, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 061985
 
one reel

At the funeral of his sister, Karin, Ben (Reb Brown) is informed by werewolf-hunter Stefan Crosscoe (Christopher Lee) that his sister was a werewolf. Ben doesn’t believe until he and news reporter Jenny (Annie McEnroe) are attacked by werewolves. The three join forces to travel to Transylvania to kill the leader of all werewolves, Stirba (Sybil Danning).

Here’s a film that goes by both Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf and Howling II: Stirba—Werewolf Bitch. I’m not sure I have to go further with this review.  Think about it. The people connected to this project thought that both Stirba—Werewolf Bitch and Your Sister Is a Werewolf were good titles. These are not people with fine judgment.

But, to demonstrate my deep concern for you, gentle reader, I will continue.

This, by any name, smells bad.  It has no connection to the far superior The Howling except for claiming a character is a sibling to one in the first film. With a new and inferior director, an insufficient budget, and a different tone, Howling II ignores everything done right four years earlier. It also ignores the first film’s mythology, creating werewolves that cast magic bolts, suck the souls out of young girls, and die only from titanium, preferably in spike form. It also has warrior dwarves throwing knives, weird Road Warrior-like Viking helmets, and a techno band. There is an attempt to add an erotic werewolf ménage à trois, but the makeup isn’t up to the challenge and it looks like drunken furries flopping about. A larger werewolf orgy is almost entertaining (everyone stays in mainly human form with only fangs and contacts to make them wolf-like), but it is intercut with the previously mentioned techno band playing from a much earlier club scene. Perhaps this is supposed to be a metaphor of some sort: club dancing is like werewolf sex.  Hmmmm. That doesn’t help much, does it?

Christopher Lee plays his mysterious werewolf hunter as if he is reading a ghost story to children. Every word is of the utmost importance. It makes no difference if he is declaring the evils of the Devil or if he is asking for more tea, it all sounds deeply dramatic. Lee in voice-of-God mode is teamed with Reb Brown and Annie McEnroe. They are professional actors. I know this because I looked it up (and I recall Brown from his stint as Captain America). There is no other way to tell. I’ve never seen performances this bad where a paycheck was involved.

With a ludicrous plot, horrible acting, and laughable effects, the only thing Howling II has of interest is a few nice locations in Czechoslovakia (standing in for Transylvania) and the frequent exposure of breasts. While several different wolf-babes go topless, it is Sybil Danning who dominates, and she is impressive. She also does the best job of acting, reciting her lines almost as if they meant something and walking around in a leather jumpsuit covered in mirrors like it was a natural thing to do. She is the only one connected to this film who shouldn’t be embarrassed.

The director (or producer, or just some hack who took over this project) also realized Sybil Danning and her bust was the closest thing to depth Howling II had, so repeated her bodice-ripping/bosom-revealing scene in the end credits. As the film has two names, I wonder how many different cuts there are, because I’ve read different reviews stating that this pivotal film moment was repeated three times and ten times. I counted, and saw her nipples pop out seventeen times. Yes, you read that correctly. Seventeen. Now I’m a big fan of naked breasts. I highly approve of women having them and showing them off.  But there must be better ways to see them than watching  Howling II.

Followed by: Howling III, Howling IV: The Original Nightmare, Howling V: The Rebirth, Howling VI: The Freaks, Howling: New Moon Rising

 Reviews, Werewolves Tagged with:
Oct 061985
 
two reels

While a youthful pop band plays continuously in the next train car, God (Himself) and Mr. Satan (Lu Sifer) discuss the fates of three individuals.  The first is Harry Billings (John Phillip Law), who was mixed up in a murder and black-market body parts operation that included psycho corpse-cutter, Otto (Richard Moll).  The second is a girl who got her boyfriend involved in a suicide club.  The third is the wife of a Nobel Prize winning writer (Richard Moll, again) who must strike down a demon.

When someone says, “That movie is so bad it’s good,” here’s the film they are talking about.  It is crudely acted, simplistically filmed, amateurishly edited, and written by drunk frat-boys, and it’s good for some laughs.

Night Train to Terror is three slightly older features, edited into incoherence, and joined together by God and Satan chatting.  Well, that and a juvenile 1980s pop rock band wearing headbands and legwarmers and singing the same song throughout the film.  Apparently, they really want us to dance with them, and they’re willing to sit on the top of the train while fog machines bellow so we get that important message.

The first segment, variously known as Scream Your Head Off and Marilyn Alive and Behind Bars wasn’t released as its own feature until years after Night Train to Terror.  John Phillip Law is nearly unrecognizable in the lead.  I first saw him in The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming (1966) as an innocent Soviet seaman, but genre fans will know him as the blind angel in Barbarella.  Here, he looks tired.  The plot is a vague mess about Billings being hypnotized to bring girls to an asylum where Otto, the orderly, chops them up and then the good doctors sell off the pieces.  Richard Moll (who later gained fame as Bull on the series Night Court), plays Otto with a humorous intensity and dresses as a gay, German, club-dancer of the era.  That last is odd as he has an unwholesome interest in the naked female corpses.  The missing chunks might explain who these people are and what is going on, but why would anybody care?  The point is the gore and nudity.

The Death Wish Club, the second installment, turns up the camp.  Once again, the edits make it impossible to follow.  Some guy falls for a girl after seeing her in a stag film.  She’s involved with a rich nut ball, and he’s the jealous sort.  Somehow, they all end up in a club which shouldn’t have more than a few meetings since they play suicidal games.

The last segment (released at around ninety minutes under the titles Satan’s Supper, The Nightmare Never Ends, and Cataclysm) brings us back to religious territory.  Richard Moll appears again, this time as a Nobel Prize winning author with truly odd hair, who’s written a new book claiming God is dead.  For reasons that are only clear in the low budget film universe, he gets television airtime to sit and tell the world about the All Mighty’s demise.  Meanwhile, his wife is getting instructions from God to use pieces from the cross to kill an androgynous demon with connections to The Third Reich.  There’s also a Holocaust survivor and an obsessive cop. Don’t look for any of it to fit together.  The high point, specially added to this version, is when a character turns into a small claymation doll and is pulled into Hell by a claymation spider-demon.  It’s hard to find anything on video as silly as that.

Don’t put this on your list for serious film viewing, but it is an excellent choice for your next drunken party.

Oct 051985
 
four reels

With the passage of time, the world (or just Australia) has become more desolate than in the time of the previous film, The Road Warrior.  Max, still traveling alone, is robbed, and finds his way to Barter Town where he makes a deal with Aunty Entity (Tina Turner): if he kills the muscle of a political rival in the arena known as Thunderdome, she will re-equip him.  But things don’t go as planned, and he ends up exiled, only to be saved by children that, in turn, he must save.

Following the style of The Road Warrior, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is a light action flick with humor and some exciting fights and chases.  It pulls back on the frenetic pace in order to have character development and dialog (both of which were missing from the previous outing).

Writer/director George Miller has ratcheted up the epic nature of the story.  Once again using the mythic Campbellian/western/samurai view as a starting place, he retells the hero’s tale, but this time with a bit of complexity.  To repeat my own style from my Road Warrior review, the hero’s tale now is: a lone gunslinger/samurai/knight is temped by evil.  Refusing to go completely over to “the dark side,” he still must be punished for his misdeed.  Rescued by an outsider, he finds himself no longer in the world of adventure.  However, circumstances and his inner conflict force him back in, and he must save the good people and the normal way of life from the black hats.  Of course, as the warrior, he is left alone in the end as one who can never know simple peace.  Max is still the reluctant hero, though less reluctant as he is slowly finding a reason to live.  A group of abandoned children represent both the outsider and the good people he must save.  And once again, this basic story works.

The big change that makes this film interesting is the intricate world.  Miller and co-writer Terry Hayes fill it with bizarre characters, hairstyles, costumes, buildings, vehicles, and vocations.  There so much going on in Barter Town, the root of the new civilization that Auntie is building, that you can be entertained just by looking at the edges of the screen.  And it is the home of Thunderdome, a cage where “Two men enter; one man leaves.”  If you wanted a different kind of fight scene, here it is.

As for those bizarre characters, not only do we have the ruthless visionary, Aunty Entity, but

  • Dr. Dealgood (Edwin Hodgeman)—the poetic fight announcer and auctioneer,
  • The Collector (Frank Thring)—the large-jowled, hulking deal maker,
  • Master (Angelo Rossitto)—the arrogant dwarf genius who speaks in simple sentence so that he can be understood by a mentally retarded partner,
  • Blaster (Paul Larsson)—a powerhouse who wears a diving helmet and carries Master around on his back,
  • Pig Killer (Robert Grubb)—who is content with his life sentence for killing a pig because no one survives more than two or three years,
  • Jedediah (Bruce Spence)—a cowardly crook with an airplane who may be, but probably isn’t, a character from the last film, and
  • Ironbar (Angry Anderson)—a nearly indestructible warrior for Auntie who wears a strange combination of punk and opera-wear.

Now those are characters you can get your teeth into.  None of them are simply good or evil, but all are capable of some foul deeds, which makes them fun to watch.  While the action is electrifying, the best part of the film is listening to these personalities speak.  They’ve been given one of the few movie-future-dialects that is both believable and fun to hear.  It is abrupt, twisted, and lyrical.
Once the children are introduced, there is the fear that things could get cute.  But that doesn’t happen.  These are kids who kill and die and have sex (there are new children  since they’ve been on their own).  And Max doesn’t get sweet and fatherly with them.  Any film that has a tough, 30ish man punching out a teen girl is in no danger of losing its way.  And with the children, we’re introduced to another dialect, one that is somewhat more amusing, but believable in the context of the epic.

The score by Maurice Jarre is a huge improvement on the overblown music from the first two films, which popped in to tell you when something was exciting.  Jarre’s work fits the world, without drawing your attention away from what you are watching.

I would have liked to have seen a more formidable opponent for Max.  Auntie is great as the leader, but Ironbar just doesn’t stack up when compared to The Road Warrior’s Mohawk-styled psycho.

While I realize that Miller was going for the hero’s tale again, more variety would have been nice.  Too much of Thunderdome is derived from The Road Warrior.  This is most blatant in the third act where we end up with another vehicle chase.  I suppose this was tossed in to appease the car-fanatic fans of the second film.  A more original climax would have made for a better film.

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome has gotten a mixed reaction from viewers, which usually depends on which film is considered the odd-one-out, Mad Max 1 or Thunderdome.  Those who think the defining feature of these films is vehicular combat in speeding, roaring, jazzed-up cars, group the first two films and find the third lacking.  Well, it is a bit lacking in cars.  The claim is also that the first two are taut, serious action flicks while the third is more of a light family flick.  This view confuses all three films.  The first isn’t an action movie (there is remarkably little activity till the end), but a revenge melodrama.  The second is a full-tilt, comic book, action picture with heavily comedic elements.  As for Thunderdome being a family flick, that depends on your family.  It is Mad Max 2 and 3 that fit together, being epic tales of the mythic hero.

If you don’t care about Joseph Campbell and his theories on myths, that OK.  Forget about them and watch one cool flick.

It follows Mad Max (1979), and Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981), and was followed, thirty years later, by Mad Max: Fury Road (1915).

Oct 041985
 
3,5 reels

Two clueless, medical supply company workers (James Karen, Thom Matthews) accidentally open a canister containing a zombie-making gas.  Soon the supply company owner (Clu Gulager), a mortician (Don Calfa), and a gang of punks (Linnea Quigley, Mark Venturini, Beverly Randolph, Jewel Shepard, Miguel Núnez, Jr.) are fighting for their lives, and doing it to rock-n-roll.

After Romero’s Night of the Living Dead, three of his partners (Rudy Ricci, John A. Russo, Russell Streiner), with as much ownership of the rights as Romero, wrote their own take on the next step in zombies.  Dan O’Bannon (screenwriter of Alien) took their story and lightened it, to avoid recreating Romero’s work.

Not a sequel to Romero’s Living Dead films, but winking at them, Return of the Living Dead is a campy relative that has created as many of the zombie paradigms as its much more serious cousins (the zombies keep mumbling “braaains!”).  Don’t look for deep themes here.  It’s all gore, nudity, and humor.  This is exploitation at its best.  There is a nude scene in the cemetery—not some cheap topless bit, but full frontal nude dancing from Linnea Quigley—for no reason other than many people like to see beautiful naked girls.  There’s extra blood and gore for the same reason.  The acting is decent, the jokes are funny more often than not, and it is almost scary from time to time.  The ’80s pop-punk rock gets old quickly, but doesn’t hurt the mood much.  This is a perfect Halloween party movie.

Back to Zombies

Oct 041985
 
three reels

Slaves, ignorant of the existence of the rest of the universe, mine crystals for the cruel god Zygon (Anthony De Longis).  Orn (Joe Colligan) finds the hilt to a mystical sword, escapes the mines, and meets first smuggler Dagg (voice: Carmen Argenziano), and then Princess Aviana (Noelle North).  Together, with various degrees of enthusiasm, they fight to overthrow Zygon.

Starchaser: The Legend of Orin is animated Space Opera.  Following in the wake of the most successful of all Space Operas, Star Wars, it freely borrows from its predecessor, which freely borrowed from its predecessors.  Don’t expect a lot of originality in the sub-genre.  There’s a young hero with an energy sword, an evil warlord with a mask, a smart-ass smuggler, a princess, several prissy robots, and armored guards that die easily.  There’s even a scene where the smuggling ship enters a duct system that looks like a hand-drawn version of the Millennium Falcon’s attack on Death Star 2.  The fact that it’s all ripped off doesn’t make it any less enjoyable, unless you can’t stand Star Wars because it is just a combination of westerns, samurai films, and ’30s serials.  In this case, the swiped material melds together into something reasonably fresh.  Few Space Operas have a better storyline (which I know isn’t saying a lot).  There are a few twists in Orn’s adventures, and some wonderful villains in the mandroids, who chop body parts off of captives to replace their metal limbs.  Plus an early tragedy lends the movie some emotional resonance.  There’s also unnecessary schmultz, most noticeable with a blind child (at least there isn’t a puppy).

Orn makes an agreeable hero and Dagg is properly callus.  The pleasantly curved fembot is mainly comic relief, but is a better character than you’ll find in that role in a majority of flicks.  Generally in film, the line between sufficient character/story/tension development and boredom is hard to find and most movies in recent years have missed it and ended up tedious.  Starchaser makes the opposite error.  Its excellent pacing is at the expense of the characters.  The princess is underdeveloped and the romance is hard to buy given the little time spent on it.  For the romance, as well as the battles, a bit of buildup before a climax would have helped.

Unfortunately, the animation isn’t up to the task of giving the story the epic feel it needs.  Often, it is reminiscent of Hanna-Barbera cartoons.  Backgrounds look flat and characters have a tendency to move only in two dimensions.  The organ/synth techno soundtrack is even worse, sounding like a recreation of John Williams’s Star Wars theme on a 1970s home midi keyboard.

Not really a kid’s film, Starchaser: The Legend of Orin could have benefited from an R-rating, to give it some edge and excitement for the young adults that are its audience.  It’s clear the filmmakers realized this and occasionally press against the confines of a PG film.  This is most noticeable when Dagg kidnaps a snooty fembot, restrains and gags her, and then inserts tools into her anal circuitry.  Afterwards, she’s affectionate and sexual.  I’m not going to speculate what that might mean, but it suggests where the movie could have gone.

 Reviews, Space Opera Tagged with:
Oct 041985
 
four reels

 Trooper Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) from the 23rd century is sent back in time into the body of an ancestor to stop Whistler, a time-traveling criminal who can turn people into zombies.  Teaming up with punk girl Lena (Helen Hunt), Jack must find the ancestors of the leaders of the future before Whistler kills them.

Quick Review: This is low-budget stuff, but if you like zombie movies, then you should be pretty used to it (just how many big-budget zombie movies are there?).  Jack is a noir-type cop from an unpleasant future where L.A. has fallen into the sea and everyone dresses like it’s the 1950s.  A lot of the humor in Trancers comes from the fish-out-of-water concept, with Jack greasing back his hair and being thrilled by the TV show Peter Gunn.  Helen Hunt plays Lena in one of her first film roles, and can be described as “adorable.”  I’m going to have trouble finding others who agree, but this is my favorite performance of her’s.  She so effortlessly fits the genre while making me care about Lena and the relationship between her and Jack.  This is before she had her teeth capped so she has a much more individual and appealing smile.  The action is good, but the dialog is better.  The sequel is almost as good, but after that, the series goes downhill rapidly (earning my toxic rating).  Helen Hunt became too big a star to continue after Trancers II, but had the consideration to pop up in a cameo in  Trancers III so they could write her out, not that it helped that film.

Oct 031985
 
four reels

Star med student Dan Cain (Bruce Abbott) gets a new room-mate, mad scientist Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs).  Herbert has the ability to bring the dead back to life, sort of, and if his experiments go well, he’ll be able to do so much more.  Is it his fault that the hospital is full of zombies?

Quick Review: Based so loosely on a H.P. Lovecraft story that it’s hardly worth mentioning, Re-Animator is as much fun as you can have with a zombie.  It has all the violence, gore, and nudity of your standard survivors-fight-horde zombie movie, but with wit and one hell of a mad scientist.  And it’s that mad scientist that makes me love this film.  Dan is a weak-willed pseudo-hero, but Herbert is a great character.  He’s smarter than those around him, willing to say what he think, stand-up for himself, and he’s driven.  And he not immoral, not quite.  He’s just completely amoral.  He doesn’t kill anyone from spite, but when he has to defend himself, he never looks back.  Jeffrey Combs plays him as an intense sprite and it is one of the great performances in horror.  It’s not surprising that Herbert West has so many devoted fans.

There’s some strange mind control from Dr. Hill, our “heroes” opponent, that doesn’t fit in with the mythology of the story, but I was having too much fun to care.

Back to ZombiesBack to Mad Scientists

Oct 021985
 
two reels

In this third Living Dead movie, civilization is gone, and a few scientists and soldiers hide in a mine.  As the lead scientist, Dr Logan (Richard Liberty),  performs experiments on a zombies and tames one he calls Bub, the soldiers demonstrate that whatever humanity they might have had is long gone.

Yes, those are zombies.  If you feel the need for more zombies, here they are.  There isn’t much else to recommend this film.  It has the wonderful cynicism of the earlier movies as it turns out that zombies are preferable to a majority of the humans.  And the make-up is good.  Very good (gore-master Tom Savini outdoes himself).  But the sets are dull, the pace is slow, and the characters are stereotypes.

While the zombies have a few moments here and there, they have very little to do with the film until the last ten minutes.  A majority of the movie involves unpleasant military men yelling at out-of-touch scientists.  There’s a bit of philosophizing stuck in too.  If that’s your movie, then the characters need to be engaging, the acting needs to be believable, the dialog needs to be clever, and the message needs to be interesting.  But none of that is the case.  The token black guy and Irish guy are likeable in a “I barely know them but don’t hate them” kind of way, though their accents could be toned down six or seven notches.  The lead, Sarah (Lori Cardille), a plucky scientist, is so clueless that I just want a zombie to eat her.  For reasons that can only be explained as bad script writing, she doesn’t believe that the psychopathic military leader, who is under extreme stress, has nothing to lose, and has legitimate grievances, would shoot rebellious scientists.  OK.  Sure.  None of these characters are developed humans, but superficial and annoying clichés.

As for the acting, it is generally weak, although Sherman Howard isn’t bad as Bub, the semi-domesticated zombie.  He also has the best part, with some humor and pathos.   What does it say when the best acting is in a zombie role?  Joseph Pilato is the worst offender against the god’s of low budget actors as Capt. Rhodes.  Maybe in a comedy I might accept this level of overacting.  Any time he’s onscreen, it’s painful.

While Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead can be seen as metaphors for the social problems of their day, that’s not the case here.  One could try and force some kind of political statement (Reagan-era militarism) on the film, but in the end, this is just a bunch of unpleasant people stuck underground.

There is only so much that can be done in film with a zombie (after all, zombie don’t exactly do a lot) and Romero couldn’t think of anything new here.  If you are a huge Romero/zombie fan, then you’ll like this, moderately.

Back to Zombies

Jul 031985
 
four reels

A beautiful, female, space vampire (Mathilda May) and two lesser males are brought to Earth by a space shuttle that was studying Halley’s Comet. The vampires escape and steal the lifeforce from most of the citizens of London, changing them into zombies. An SAS officers (Peter Firth) and a survivor from the shuttle (Steve Railsback) attempt to capture the vampires before it is too late.

What a glorious mess. Few films succeed and fail in such a grand fashion with brilliance intertwined with absurdity. Let’s start with the absurdity. It’s a bad idea to make a movie that is out of date when it is released. Lifeforce has the British Space Agency’s shuttle “Churchill,” which has artificial gravity, traveling to Halley’s Comet. Now the problem there is that Halley’s Comet returned in 1985 (and was still around in ’86). By the time the film hit screens, we should have all heard about the “Churchall” on the news. Not absurd enough for you? How about the British Space Agency having a professor of theoretical death? This “thanatologist” does experiments to determine life after death and just happens to know how to kill a vampire (a lead sword two inches below the heart). Then there is a major character that disappears from the story with a quick statement of “Oh, he’s dead.” I have the feeling there was another 20 or 30 pages of script that might have dealt with some of the tossed aside characters, but they ran out of money. At least that explanation avoids the idea that they planned it that way. And let me not forget the acting.  No expression is too broad, no gesture too extreme, no statement too loud. This is over-acting as an art, and Steve Railsback, as the astronaut, is the master. He tosses believability out the window with his first overly emotional, breathless, radio call to his ship. I can’t imagine he would inspire confidence from his colleagues. Then again, this is a zombie film; when was the last time a zombie film was nominated for an acting award? There is a slapped-together feeling about the entire film. Did anyone check the script or did they just pull the first draft from the typewriter?

So why do I like it? Because it is big, over-the-top theater at its finest. The FX are great (in general). They destroy London, with flame and explosions and streets full of zombies, and it is a sight to behold.  Peter Firth, as the SAS officer, puts in a humorous performance that fits his noir character. Plus there’s nothing cooler than him, dressed in a black turtleneck and trench coat, pistol in one hand, sword in the other, fighting his way through hordes of zombies. I’m a sucker for blue lightning, and every vampiric life-drain has electricity shooting from the victim’s eyes and mouth into the attacker. There’s also Patrick Stewart, before he became Captain Picard, having his first screen kiss, and it’s with Steve Railsback. Let’s not forget the score by Henry Mancini that sounds like it belongs in a Roman epic. If that isn’t enough entertainment for you, there are the beautiful nude vampires.  The males tend to be hidden most of the time, but not so for Mathilda May, whose breasts defy gravity in a way that will amaze most viewers. She is beautiful and there to be scrutinized, a lot. No quick peeks, she strides about naked, shooting lighting and sucking men dry. And it makes perfect sense because why would a space vampire wear clothing?  It would have been nice if the filmmakers had put a bit of effort into making this a film that would not offend my brain, but as it is, it’s a lot of fun.

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Feb 171985
 
two reels

Master Gau, along with his two bumbling assistants, Man Choi and Chou Sheng, are asked to rebury the patriarch of the Yam family in order to generate good luck, but the patriarch turns out to be a vampire and breaks free. Gau, and in his own way, the dim, obnoxious police captain, attempt to destroy the vampire and protect Yam’s daughter, the beautiful Jade, but there are complications. Man Choi is scratched and is slowly turning into a vampire while Chou Sheng is seduced by a ghost.

If your goal is to study the development of Hong Kong horror and comedy in the ‘80s and early ‘90s, then Mr. Vampire is a must see. While not the first to use the Chinese hopping vampire, it popularized the monster in film. Unlike their Western counterpart, these vampires move by hopping (makes sense), are controlled by prayers, are blind and hunt by detecting breathing, attack primarily with long fingernails, and wear traditional Chinese garb. Mr. Vampire was the first in a series of films, but also started a whole movement. For a decade, kung fu horror-comedy dominated pure horror in Hong Kong and these vamps became very popular.

If, on the other hand, you have no interest in film history and just want to watch a good film, then letting this one slip by you isn’t a problem. Mr. Vampire doesn’t bother with character development. Gau is a Taoist master. That’s it. Choi and Sheng are slapstick goofs. That’s it. The three get the lion’s share of the screen time but I knew no more about them at the finale than I did after the first scene. None of them have any depth or change in any way. None of them can really be called characters. And Jade is nothing but a pretty face. It is hard to figure why she’s in the film besides the desire for cute eye candy. She has no part in the fighting and hunting or even the humor. OK; that leaves the traditional female roles of love interest and victim, but she doesn’t even get those. The film sets her up as the love interest at the beginning, but abandons that. While she is attacked by the vampire, it is no more consequential than the attack on Man Choi. She ends up being background, literally. In the middle of the film, she simply walks around at the back of scenes, carrying bowls of rice.

The plot wobbles about. The main vampire story starts slowly as we’re given the prelude to the romance that never happens. Then things stop so we can have a ghost story for a while. It all feels cobbled together.

There’s also nothing frightening. The “horror” label should be replaced by “fantasy.”

That leaves kung fu and comedy. In the first, it does pretty well. The action scenes are well choreographed, with plenty of unusual variations and a great deal of frantic motion. Technically I’d rank the fights higher than a majority of the Hong Kong sword epics of the time. The problem is that it’s empty. The actors move well, but with no characters to be concerned with, and no plot to follow, it’s a meaningless dance.

So, it’s down to the comedy and your predilection for the very silly. I have little patience with The Three Stooges, so found nothing here to laugh at. If people falling down, dropping their pants, and getting their heads stuck between bars is your idea of a good time, then you’ll do OK. If you’re like me, skip it. But as more people like slipping on banana peels than not, I raised the rating by one Reel. Still, catching it on free TV is all it deserves.