Oct 021994
 
three reels

Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett), with his bloated, mentally retarded assistant, Gnaghi (François Hadji-Lazaro), care for the city’s cemetery, a job that has become tougher lately as the dead have been leaving their graves.  Not wanting to lose his job, Francesco handles the problem on his own, shooting the zombies each night and re-burying them.  Complications arise when Francesco falls for a beautiful widow (Anna Falchi) with a corpse fetish.

The darkest of dark comedies, Cemetery Man is a twisted tale of love, sex, and death, all covered in blood.  It starts with a bang (literally, as Francesco shoots the evening’s “returner”) and picks up steam, with plenty of gore and substantial nudity between jokes and bouts of philosophy.  Add in the gothic sets, beautiful cinematography, and stoic Rupert Everett and it’s well on its way to being the best zombie movie of all time.

And then it falls apart.  The story meanders until it is completely lost and just stops.  Things happen to Francesco, but few of them make sense and none of them fit together.  Clones of the widow (only identified as “She” in the credits) pop up without any connection to the risen undead or to each other, and leave again.  Francesco kills some biker punks, and nothing comes of it.  Gnaghi has a love affair with a severed head that ends at the two-thirds mark.  The philosophical insights on love and death become empty ramblings, and reveal that what little the film had to say it covered in the first few minutes.  And worst of all, it becomes dull.

Did they have a finished script when they started the shoot?  I can see the first day of production as  Italian director Michele Soavi announced to his international cast, “We’ve got 47 pages of great script here.  I can’t imagine any reason why we won’t have the rest done in plenty of time.  We just have to iron out a few ideas.”  The film is set firmly in the wrong direction when a brief subplot, plopped down in the middle of the picture, swipes the entire story of the unsettling Tod Browning/Lon Chaney silent picture, The Unknown, about a man who has important parts of his body surgically removed in order to get a girl.  This may be a little too dark for comedy.  Cemetery Man never recovers it’s momentum.

I am hard on this film.  It is certainly better than a majority of zombie features, but I don’t expect much from your standard rotting-corpse-eats-brains flick.  This one promised more.  It still has Rupert Everett and some nicely macabre moments.  It also has one of the most artistic (and erotic) sex scenes in horror, with Falchi and her impressive breasts perched on Everett, positioned so that the wings of a statue appear to be hers.  Much of the picture is enjoyable, but the primary emotion connected to it is disappointment.

 

Outside of the U.S., it more often goes under the far more pertinent title of Dellamorte Dellamore, which is both the main character’s name and a clearer statement of what the film is about (Of Death, Of Love).

 Reviews, Zombies Tagged with:
Oct 021994
 
two reels

One thousand years ago, the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) was cheated out of his bride. Now, he has come for the descendent of that long ago girl.

Ah, that’s a bit better. The Leprechaun series started in the depths, but part 2 is entertaining, if nothing to get excited about. It really isn’t a sequel. Sure, it has Warwick Davis in the same makeup, but he has different powers, he’s around 1400 years older, and can now be harmed only by wrought iron instead of four leaf clovers. In addition to these changes, no mention is made of his demise in the first film. The disconnect with Leprechaun is good as it means you can skip it and start with part 2.

Don’t get too excited though. The humans are still a bore, with the two young leads constructed for a teen romance. They’re a couple of “swell young kids.” Sigh.

The murders are more imaginative, and the Leprechaun has a chance to do something other than kill. There’s not a lot of plot (how many Slashers have a significant story?), but at least it isn’t a copy of the first film. There’s also a brief topless scene that leads to the films best death. If you need to watch a standard Slasher, you could do worse.

 

Oct 021994
 
one reel

After a nuclear war, the remaining, now-sterile humans are kept in camps by androids. Mary is still fertile, and she must take her fetus to a ship sailing for Europe. She is hunted by a killer android but protected by a barbarian kick boxer.

What is it about cyborgs and martial arts? When I make a killer cyborg, I’m going to install lots of powerful lasers instead of teaching him kick boxing. I’ll also call him an android, something the makers of American Cyborg: Steel Warrior should have done as there are no cyborgs in the film. Robots are not cyborgs. I’d think with the massive profits from genius works like this, the filmmakers could afford a dictionary. Well, maybe not.

There isn’t a plot beyond taking the smiling fetus in a bag across town. The rest is just fight scenes and very brief discussions of the future of the human race (it’s dependent on the fetus in a bag). Did you notice I said a fetus in a bag?  Yes, she’s carrying it in bag, but it appears happy about that as it’s smiling. That is way more disturbing than the killer cybo…er…android.

Actually, the big, unstoppable android looks like a British banker who bleaches his hair. If he had been a banker, he would have done better as then he would have known how to use a telephone to call for help. In a world ruled by “cyborgs,” it is bad tactics to use only one to stop the threat of the jolly unborn. But perhaps the other banker-androids don’t like sloshing through the sewers, construction sights, and warehouses of the future.

Sep 291994
 
three reels

When her drug dealing, doctor husband, Clay (Bill Pullman) comes home with a case full of money, Bridget Gregory (Linda Fiorentino) takes the money and runs.  She stops off in a hick town for a drink and a one night stand with Mike Swale (Peter Berg), a local who dreamed of the big city but failed in the reality of it.  When her lawyer suggests she stay there until they can work out a divorce, she decides Mike may be useful, both for sex, and for making sure Clay never sees his money.

The Last Seduction has the plot, characters, and philosophy of Film Noir, but not the imagery, which might be the piece that stops it from being one of the great films.  For a story filled with corruption, it is filmed in a rather cheery fashion, much like any comedy or suburban drama.  The lights are bright and shadows are hard to come by.  The cinematography has no particular style.

I make no such complaint against Linda Fiorentino, who is powerful, sexy, and fills Bridget with an amiable evil.  She’s nasty, and we love her.  Well, almost, but she certainly is nasty.  Fiorentino makes the movie work.  This is her film from beginning to end, and no one could have done better.

Pullman is above his normal game, playing it mean with a twinkle in his eyes, a twinkle that fades as the film progresses.  Bill Nunn is also excellent as a private eye sent to get Bridget.  (Hint: Don’t cross Bridget; it’s not healthy.)  The rest of the cast are forgettable, particularly Berg, who does nothing to bring life to dim, country-boy Mike Swale.

The overall plot, if not the details, is relatively simple, but that’s true of the great femme fatale movies, Double Indemnity and Body Heat, as well.  By the time The Last Seduction ends, you’ll see that it shares not just the complexity level of its plot, but the actual story with those films.  Bridget, who is a true femme fatale (with Matty Walker’s drive and desires, and Phyllis Dietrichson’s soul), steals a great deal of money from her husband and decides to do whatever she has to in order to keep it.  Many of her acts are spur-of-the-moment, though she does finish things off with a rather elaborate plan.

Unfortunately, the seduction doesn’t ring true.  No question, Bridget is attractive and sexy, but that shouldn’t be enough.  She does little to pull Mike in emotionally, to get him obsessed with her.  Mike is masochistic, needing to be pushed around and generally abused.  And he is damaged by his last relationship.  But one scrawled note isn’t enough to prove to Mike that she cares.  I’d have killed for Matty Walker.  I’d have run screaming from Bridget Gregory.  Well…in the morning.

The film’s greatest moment is also flawed.  As it is late in the picture, I won’t give it away, but just plant this thought for you do dwell on after watching: it’s essential that “he” not notice that there is a phone call in progress, but how could it go unnoticed?

What makes The Last Seduction special is that there is no softening of Bridget, and no moralizing.  This is Richard III without the downfall.  The smart crush the stupid, and who’s good and who’s not is irrelevant.  She’s mean when we meet her and she’s mean at the end.  No apologies.  Don’t watch to see fairness or kindness or justice.  Just jump in and enjoy the darkness.

 Film Noir, Reviews Tagged with:
Sep 291994
 
two reels

A year after Eric Draven (Brandon Lee) and his fiancĂ©e were murdered, Eric is brought back from the grave to act as an avenging spirit.  However, the city’s crime boss, Top Dollar (Michael Wincott), wants to steal Eric’s power and only police Sergeant Albrecht (Ernie Hudson) can help the ghost.

This review is going to get me nasty notes.  After all, this is the ultimate Goth film (and I know lots of Goths).  There’s an angst-ridden ghost in minstrel makeup; everyone wears black and tosses around vague spirituality to dark wave music.  How could you get more Goth than that?  Well, easily, by making a less chatty ghost.  When he recites poetry, everything is on track, but the grandeur of the avenging spirit goes out the window when he talks and talks (and drinks a beer, and pauses in his revenge to play a guitar solo).  This is a soul brought back due to pain and half the time he’s having cocktail conversations, and much of the rest he’s tossing out one-liners.

The potential for a good film is here (not great—great require a significantly more complicated story), but as is, it’s just a smartly shot, well designed version of The Wraith.  Who knows what might have been made had Lee survived filming (then again, without Lee’s death, The Crow may well have been forgotten as just another revenge flick).  At least the trite voiceover from the street waif, added to explain things that couldn’t be filmed without Lee, would be missing.

It might help if any of the characters had motivation for what they do or made sense.  The pawnshop owner sees that Eric can heal wounds, is a supernatural creature, and yet he yells at him that if he goes out on the street, he’ll be killed.  Why would he think that?  Or say it?  Similarly, why would he insult the sociopathic Top Dollar?  And why does Top Dollar do anything that he does?

The action is reasonably exciting, and that’s enough to make this a good background film, but it should have been more.

Back to HalloweenBack to Ghost Stories

Aug 131994
 
two reels

The Tall Man captures Mike, who he wants for his cryptic psychic powers. Reggie follows, finding himself in a ghost town when he is attacked by crazy looters because in the Phantasm universe things just happen. He picks up a gun-toting kid and a martial arts woman who both want revenge and the three, along with a friendly silver sphere, attempt to rescue Mike and stop The Tall Man for good.

Here we are again, with The Tall Man and Reggie and Mike, played by the original actor since Universal, who insisted on the change for Phantasm II, is no longer paying the bills. The female character that was supposed to be of such great importance in the last film is killed off in the first minute, which is odd since The Tall Man wanted her alive, but sense has never been part of the Phantasm series.

Mike’s brother, Jody, from the first film, is back from the dead, and he’s aged while dead, as well as gotten a hair cut. He’s also become a silver killing ball…because… Oh, really best not to think about it.

Like its two predecessors, Phantasm III is more about scenes than a story. It answers some questions but only by asking many more and leaving as many gaping plot holes as before. There’s more action this time around, and The Evil Dead factor is ramped up, with comedy zombies making an appearance. The powers of The Tall Man are left undefined, allowing him to do whatever is desired at the moment, and making it clear (if it wasn’t already), that no action taken by anyone matters.

With Mike sidelined for most of the movie, Reggie becomes the protagonist. He fits the sidekick role better and mainly continues in that vein, getting into awkward sexual situations and having monsters run up his pants leg. The new additions, including the kid who is supposed to remind us of Mike in the first film, if Mike was an unnaturally good shot, get to be the bad asses, killing zombies over and over, only for them to get up again.

Once again, the ending is a statement that nothing in these films matter and leaves things open for yet another sequel.

 Horror, Reviews Tagged with:
May 301994
 
two reels

Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert), an immortal swordsman who can only die if he is beheaded, thought he was the last of his kind, however, the psychotic Kane (Mario Van Peebles) had been trapped in a cave for four hundred years.  Now free, Kane plans to kill MacLeod, who must protect his adopted son, as well as Alex (Deborah Kara Unger), an archeologist who has taken an interest in MacLeod.

While Highlander II: The Quickening, the sequel to the imaginative Highlander, was odd in ways that are hard to comprehend, this second sequel, Highlander III: The Final Dimension, switches to generic sequel mode.  The story is the same as in the original movie, though weaker in every way, and, as with most sequels, overdone.  Mako, playing his Conan The Barbarian character in all but name, acts as a tutor for Macleod, taking over the Sean Connery part.  Mareo Van Peoples does his very best to imitate Clancy Brown’s performance from the first film.  Replacing Brenda, the girl-friend who gets kidnapped, are two characters, Alex to be the girlfriend, and John, an adopted son who does absolutely nothing in the movie except get kidnapped.  The villain’s wild driving scene with the abductee screaming is even duplicated.

In a rare show of competence, the filmmakers ignore the existence of The Quickening and everything that happened in it.  Instead, Brenda has died in a car accident, Macleod has adopted a son, and no mention is made of the powers he was supposed to have gained at the end of the first film.  From that basis, this film unrolls just as the first did.

Laughable sequences demonstrate that no one cared if the script made sense or was believable.  So, we end up with McLeod committed to the mental ward for waking up anxious from what was first thought to be a gunshot wound; the doctors at that hospital are rather touchy.  I don’t know why all the patients don’t escape since it is such an easy thing to do, but it is only fair that it is easy to get out considering how easy it was to get in.  Besides questionable psychiatric care, this is also a world where an archaeological dig in Japan makes the news in New York the day after not much is discovered, and that report is watched in bars.

Highlander made good use of its soundtrack, performed by Queen.  Highlander III has to make due with the guitar part from Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood for the climactic battle.  It’s no replacement.  However, the Celtic-inspired songs of Loreena McKennett bring some real emotion to the films romantic moments.

Still, as exploitation, Highlander III is watchable, perhaps shown in the background while your attention is turned toward something more interesting.  It has numerous swordfights, beheadings, and a few moments of nudity from Debora Unger and a gratuitous prostitute (though the nudity isn’t nearly as gratuitous as McLeod’s son, or the cop with a bad accent, or the illusion magic).

Also known as Highlander III: The Sorcerer, Highlander 3: The Final Conflict, and Highlander: The Magician.

Back to Fantasy

 Fantasy, Reviews Tagged with:
Jan 211994
 
one reel

Captain Kirk is pulled into a giant space-time ribbon so that he can later meet Captain Picard. There’s also some things about a mad scientist and grumpy Klingons, but they don’t matter.

Call it, Fan Service, The Motion Picture. The plot, what there is of it, is based on who signed a contract (Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, and George Takei did not or in the first case, was not allowed to) and getting Kirk and Picard to meet. This isn’t story telling. It’s an hour and a half of goofing around with pop characters and trusting that fans will think it is cool.

It is not cool.

After an opening that lets us know that Kirk is old, again (haven’t we done this—and then redone it—enough?), we get a second opening, set in the holodeck, to introduce us to the Next Gen cast, which is supposed to be funny, but isn’t. Data asks why watching someone fall into freezing water is amusing. I ask why watching people watch someone falling into freezing water is supposed to be amusing.

This film’s version of character development is Data doing a bad comedy routine as his emotion chip is activated, and Picard throwing a fit because the writers had no idea how grief works.

OK, that’s more analysis than Generations requires. This film is a mess. It is mainly remembered for the drab, pointless death of Captain Kirk. He’d had a better sendoff in Star Trek VI.

My ranking of all Star Trek movies is here.

Oct 111993
 
2.5 reels

Teenager Marti Malone (Gabrielle Anwar), her stepmother Carol (Meg Tilly), and stepbrother Andy (Reilly Murphy) travel with her EPA inspector father (Terry Kinney) while he tours military bases.  There’s something wrong at the latest one.  The soldiers are too emotionless, and Andy begins to fear his preschool class where all the children draw the same picture.

The third version of Jack Finney’s The Body Snatchers, Body Snatchers (no “The”), like its predecessors, is a well made piece of paranoia.  Director Abel Ferrara dumps the useless jump-scares so prevalent in horror for some real terror, built up slowly and then revealed to be as bad as expected.  His pacing is leisurely, pulling the viewer into the situation bit by bit.  If this had come out in 1955, it would have been a classic.

But it didn’t come out in 1955.  The story’s been told, and told again, and then told with larger variation under different names.  Having been done in b&w as a small town personal story, and then in color as an urban, world view story, I’m left wondering what made anyone think a new version was needed.  I suppose switching to a teen’s perspective—giving a younger audience an entrance into the story—could be a reason, but not a very good one; I saw the original ’56 version as a pre-teen, and I understood it without the need for a youthful guide.  Part of the story’s tension comes from the unknown.  Something strange is happening but it is uncertain what.  But there is no uncertainty in a copy of a copy.  The characters might not know what is happening, but I do, and that takes away a lot of the impact.  Luckily, Ferrara and the extensive writing team know this, and don’t waste time building a mystery.  We know the pods are there and what they do, so he tosses them in our faces quickly.

The ’56 version was a metaphor for the communist threat: it comes slowly, while we’re not looking (while we’re sleeping), corrupts those around us, and takes over, leaving an emotionless government where individualism and emotion are stifled.  Some claim the film takes the opposite political side, and is an attack on Joseph McCarthy, though that interpretation takes more dancing to make it work.  Either way, the film shone light on the social upheaval of the time, and the cry “they get you when you sleep” is the deeper message.  The 1978 re-make also looked at a time of cultural uncertainty, when the eccentricity and hope of the 1960s were fading away.  So, what is the message of this new version? What is the social changes that could lead to the loss of individualism?  Thematically, the new version is a confused mish-mash.  Placed on a military base, is it saying that soldiers have already lost their humanity?  If so, it doesn’t do anything with that point.  Body Snatchers is less interested in saying anything coherent than in just making quick, simplistic analogies: Soldiers are like pod-people; being a developing teenage girl is like being completely alone in a world of aliens; having a stepmother is like having your mother replaced by something foreign.  As nothing is said any deeper with any of these, it’s best to ignore them, and take the film as a rather effective, but empty, fright fest.

The performances of Gabrielle Anwar, Meg Tilly, and Reilly Murphy are impressive, each making a believable character.  Anwar has a tough job with a girl who is on the razor’s edge of annoying, but brings out her intensity and enough fear and hurt for her to gain my sympathy.  But it is Tilly that raises the bar.  The most important scene in the film is the stepmother’s, as Tilly somehow makes her slightly inhuman.  Stopping her ex-family from leaving, she asks them, “Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide?  Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.”  Now that’s creepy.

Unfortunately, the males don’t do so well.  Terry Kinney is forgettable and Forest Whitaker pops in to shake and stammer as an over-written doctor.  But they are both superior to robotic Billy Wirth, who plays Tim, the hero, with a mild smirk.  Late in the film, he must pretend to be an emotionless pod-person, and there is no change from his work in the rest of the film.

The effects are good (except for a fall from a helicopter where the body shimmers) and I can’t think of a horror film that makes better use of nudity.  Nothing is gratuitous.  It is only the pod versions of people that show up naked, nonchalantly, as they don’t care, but yet are willing to use their flesh if it is an advantage.  The human response to lust and fear are not that different, and Ferrara plays with that, using one to augment the other.

It all leads to a poorly conceived climax. In an embarrassing scene, a pod-person tests Tim’s emotions by saying “I fucked your girlfriend” and as Tim manages not to attack him, he accepts Tim as one of them. With the fate of the world in your hands, how neurotic would you have to be to go into a rage at a sixth-grade taunt?  And shouldn’t the aliens have a password or something to identify each other?  I won’t give away the ending except to say it was disappointing.

Body Snatchers was an unnecessary project that is nonetheless enjoyable to watch.

 Aliens, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 101993
 
one reel

A logging crew, led by Mike Rogers (Robert Patrick), returns from a job claiming that one of them, Travis Walton (D.B. Sweeney) was killed by a bolt from a UFO.  Lieutenant Frank Watters (James Garner) thinks it’s a case of murder.

Quick Review: Those wacky aliens are at it again, kidnapping rednecks to carry 0ut their ghastly experiments in this supposedly true life tale (hey, the backwoodsmen took lie detector tests and all passed the second time; how could you ask for more proof than that?).  Shying away from the obvious sensationalism of the topic, Fire in the Sky takes the more sophisticated route of examining how the yokels who didn’t get abducted are affected.  The townspeople are looking at them as murderers (until Travis returns, which is pretty late in the film, but as this is based on the real Travis’s book, you know he’s going to show up), the police question them, families argue, and they all feel guilty for abandoning their co-worker.

And the payoff…?  Well, there isn’t one.  Travis comes back, and that’s pretty much it.  (Well, there’s some shots of alien probing which is supposed to be disturbing but comes off as funny due to the old-man rubber suits.)  This is well acted, nicely shot, and none of it matters.  You know this story already.  Pick up any tabloid and you can read someone’s similar account.  Backwoods guy gets swiped from a pickup, anally probed, then returned.  The end.  It’s a joke of every standup comic and that’s all that’s offered here.  There’s no new perspectives, no answers, and nothing of interest.  The emotional states of the non-abductees are exactly what you’d expect.  This is close to a non-story.

 Aliens, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 091993
 
two reels

Jesus Gris (Federico Luppi) finds a golden egg hidden in the statue of an archangel in his antique shop. When he winds it up, eight legs emerge and pierce his hand, and a stinger gives him the unwanted gift of immortality. But Jesus is not left alone to deal with his new vampiric nature as he has his loving granddaughter, Aurora (Tamara Shanath) to help him. He also has problems in the form of a dying industrialist, Dieter de la Guardia (Claudio Brook), who wants the “Cronos device” and sends his violent nephew, Angel (Ron Perlman), to get it.

Cronos was the introductory feature from stylish, Mexican director, Guillermo del Toro, who went on to direct Mimic, Blade II, and Hell Boy.  It is hard to say what makes his work so individual, but there is something recognizable in all of del Toro’s films.  They are harsh, without being gritty.  He’s an art-film director, who finds fangs, demons, and gore beautiful, and films them that way.

Cronos is an incredible looking film, particularly for its small budget.  Every shot is filled with rich colors, odd objects, and original images.  While the film is a feast for the eyes, it isn’t so kind to brains.  It feels deep and meaningful while viewing, but afterwards I found there was nothing there.  A majority of films leave without implanting anything of significance, but Cronos poses as something more.  As it sacrifices pacing and character coherence for this, I’d have like to have gotten something…anything.

With loads of religious symbols (archangel statues, characters named Jesus and Angel, prayer, a stigmata), it would have been nice for Cronos to say something about spirituality or faith.  If I were to strain, I could say that Jesus is being tempted by immortality and he must overcome this temptation to reach heaven.  But he’s never tempted.  He didn’t want immortality to begin with and has little interest in it once he’s got it.  Any intended religious messages as well as those about time and eternity are lost long before the picture ends.

The story is slight and doesn’t go far: man finds object; object infects man; bad man tries to steal object; man and bad man have confrontation.  That’s about it.  Much is made of the secret instructions for using the Cronos device (Dieter has them, Jesus does not), but apparently all they say is “drink blood and stay out of the sun after you get pushed off of a cliff.”  No other information appears to be pertinent.  Dieter tells Jesus that his skin can be peeled off to expose new flesh, but he’d have figured that out in another hour or two on his own.

The characters do things without any kind of logic or thought.  Dieter knows that Jesus has the device, but never searches his home or threatens his family. The only time he sends loutish Angel after Jesus is at a big party.  Jesus goes to see Dieter, knowing that this man is a violent criminal, and doesn’t expect any kind of trouble.  Worse, he doesn’t get any as he’s allowed to run away.  Later, Jesus breaks into Dieter’s room at night (bringing his young Granddaughter), and it never occurs to him that Dieter might be in the big bed.  It probably doesn’t help that Jesus must be deaf.  That’s the only way to explain his inability to hear Angel approach him in the restroom (where the floors are hard and Angel is wearing dress shoes) and Dieter getting out of bed and shuffling across the room during his breaking and entering excursion.

If Cronos is a character study, as is often stated as an excuse for its plot, then I would have expected reasonable character behavior.  But the film supplies little of the necessary information to know these characters.  I was halfway through the film before I knew the woman Jesus lives with is his wife.  I thought she was his sister or older daughter, or maybe just a landlady.  The behavior of the characters should at least make it clear who is married to whom.

The relationship between Jesus and his granddaughter isn’t interesting, but it is entertaining and provides the highpoints of the film.  Instead of a typical child, Aurora’s only trait is her unconditional love for her grandfather. Her scenes are sweet, but in a way that puts her one step away from Wednesday Adams, such as when she tucks her decaying vampire grandfather into her toy chest with a doll and a plush bear.  Besides being the emotional center for the film, it is also funny. I could have used more of that humor.

Oct 081993
 
2.5 reels

A dinosaur egg is brought to a lab, and hatches a “godzillasaur.” Godzilla comes looking for his relative, but is met by Mechagodzilla, a robot constructed by the Japanese government using technology from the remains of Mecha-Giderah. Rodan also comes seeking the baby dinosaur, setting up a three way battle.

The monsters have quite a fight on their hands, but so do you, if you choose to watch. You see, parts of your brain are going to be throttling other parts as scenes switch from exciting, top notch action to mind numbingly stupid, with no time between to breath.

The monster battles and building-crunching are the best that you’ll find in the first twenty-two Godzilla films.  They are fast paced, varied, and never slide into the ridiculous (assuming you’re OK with giant monsters and a military that builds their secret weapon in the shape of a bipedal lizard). If you’ve watched other giant monster films and asked “why can’t they just keep the creatures fighting?” you’ll be happy.  The climatic monster mash lasts for twenty minutes. The Godzilla suit looks good, though the Big-G’s packed some pounds on his legs (time for a thigh-master).  Rodan is a marionette, but it’s a huge improvement from every previous incarnation. “Baby” is a bit on the fake and silly side, but compared to the Son of Godzilla from the 70s, he’s not too bad, and he’s not in the fights anyway.  At least he is generally shaped like his larger relative.  The effects, particularly the lightning, fire, and atomic beams are better than the monsters.  If you like your destruction in the form of colorful rays, you’ll be in heaven.

But there is another side to the film, one filled with embarrassing excuses for “science” and “mythology.”  There’s too much to write it all down, but a few of the choicer elements include: the baby godzillasaur is a vegetarian (although he’s fed a hamburger anyway, which has got to cause him no end of digestive problems). Although the baby is a different species, he has a psychic call (that is not limited by distance) that Godzilla can hear. He also can psychically send an SOS to Rodan because their eggs were next to each other. And I can’t forget that ancient ferns can somehow store music, which can be extracted by computer. When the fern-music is sung by school children, it can be heard by a dead monster hundreds of miles away, and resurrect him into a super version of himself.  The list goes on.

Worse than the new rules on how dinosaurs behaved and what level of psychic power was around a hundred million years ago, are the characters. They are foolish (beyond any normal level of human folly) and a mixture of annoying and dull (the last being the greatest cinema crime). One character does slapstick routines, which would be fine if this was a Three Stooges picture. And two of the females slobber all over the baby Godzilla, and the big one as well. They don’t notice that people are dying everywhere; they just think it would be swell for Godzilla to stick around, and the baby to grow up to be a giant monster that squishes citizens as he marches through Tokyo. I guess Toho felt they had to bring back some of the old, “Gosh, Godzilla is swell” sentiment that filled the 1970s films.  They were wrong.

Watching the Japanese version is interesting for an English speaker, as the G-Force “pilots” speak English. There are a few Americans sprinkled in (the Caucasian actor playing the scientist is bad as only an actor speaking in a language his director doesn’t understand can be), but most of the cast is Japanese, and they are allowed to speak with harsh accents. It adds to the realism of an international force that must communicate.

Purely on an action scale, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (the “II” was added to the title for the American release, and has no meaning) is great entertainment. Too bad doesn’t have a script worthy of the combat.