Jan 102012
 
two reels

Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield), whose parents disappeared while believing they were in a James Bond movie, is just your average, everyday super genius high school teenager. While attempting to connect with Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans), his father’s old one-armed colleague, he is bitten by a genetically altered spider and yada yada yada, Spider-Man, dead Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen)—you know the score. His girlfriend this time is Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone), whose father (Denis Leary) is the police captain and a jerk. And Connors becomes a giant evil lizard, because every adult Peter knows turns into a super-villain.

It is hard to get past how unnecessary The Amazing Spider-Man is. No one needed a second telling of Spider-Man’s origin story in ten years. I wasn’t all that fond of Raimi’s trilogy, but that didn’t mean it needed to be redone. If we were stuck with a reboot, did it need to be one made up of piece of Raimi’s Spider-Man films? Raimi had already run the same basic story into the ground, but here it is again.

If you want to see scenes you’ve seen before, you’ll get to. We have the Uncle Ben speech and his death. We get Peter breaking things and learning to swing. We get confrontations with the villain that are re-writes from the earlier films. We get the girlfriend rejection scene. We’re even given the working-Joes of New York all getting behind Spider-Man just like in the 2002 film. This is not the place to look for anything new.

If Sony insisted on doing it all again, they should have tried to do something—anything—better. Instead they once again failed with humor (Spider-Man is supposed to be funny) and gave us characters I am excited to ignore. Every second of family melodrama is unpleasant and there is a lot of family melodrama.

And they can’t get Peter right. At least this 29-year-old actor looks a little younger than the 27-year-old they tried last time. Too old, but better. They missed on “dweeby, average teen” as well as this Peter is handsome, agile, cool, and intelligent. Not just intelligent, but Einstein-was-an-idiot level of intelligence. And he’s the greatest tailor in the history of mankind. If they wanted to tell a story about this very special guy, that’s fine; rewrite the story so that it isn’t about a teen with regular problems growing up. This Peter is not someone with regular problems. Peter does now have an unnatural stutter. I’m guessing this was their nod to making him uncool. It doesn’t work but it is annoying.

The villain is a composite of past villains, without any concern for if that makes sense. He’s Doc Octavius—friendly to Peter, acting as a minor father-figure and, of course, being a super scientist. He suddenly finds his funding being taken away and his life’s work taken, so he tests his untried, super serum on himself, exactly like Norman Osborn. He even starts raving to himself like the Green Goblin. And like the Goblin, he figures out who Spider-Man really is and goes after him.

They added an espionage side-story that ran on into the sequel but never arrived anywhere. Maybe if the super secret spy Parkers had a purpose. Or maybe if Uncle Ben was less Yoda.

Andrew Garfield had potential, if he’d been allowed to play an age-appropriate Spidey. And been given a script that had any reason to exist. The film’s colorful and the FX is OK. And that’s about it.

It was followed by The Amazing Spider-Man 2, which killed the franchise, and forced Sony to make a deal for Spider-Man to appear in the MCU, starting with Captain America: Civil War and then Spider-Man: Homecoming.

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Sep 272011
 
3,5 reels

Thor

Thor, the arrogant and unworthy son of the Asgardian King is exiled to Earth, giving his troubled brother, Loki, a chance at the throne.

Thor is two movies: A bold, beautiful, epic fantasy of gods and monsters, and a small scale relationship/self-improvement flick. One of these works. Everything in Asgard is bright and huge and fun. It’s an opera and it is nearly flawless. On Earth, well, it’s a mess. The real problem is timing. Thor needs years and many trials to transform from a brave fool to a true hero. His relationship with Jane Foster requires weeks at the very least. It all happens in days.

“Hi, I’m Jane Foster, I love you.”
“Hi, I’m Thor, I love you too, and I think I’ve just reevaluated my entire life. Yup.”

Hemsworth and Portman have zero chemistry, but then the script never gives them a chance. Watch Thor by pausing the movie mid-way through the Earth section, go out for dinner, and pretend that while you’re away, the movie is still going on filling in all the missing material, come back and hit play, and you’re good to go.

Apr 262011
 
2.5 reels

Irresponsible test pilot Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is given a ring by a dying alien, making him a member of the Green Lantern intergalactic police. His powers are based on his strength of will, but there is another power in the universe, one based on fear. Parallax uses that power to destroy worlds, and he’s on his way to Earth.

Ryan Reynolds kept trying superheroes till he got it right. This wasn’t that time. But Green Lantern isn’t as bad as its reputation suggests. It just isn’t very good.

Reynolds has plenty of charm and the basic idea of the Green Lantern corp, which is powered by will, having to fight an enemy of its own making, powered by fear, is a solid one. And the rest of the cast, particularly Mark Strong, does the best it can with some clichéd characters. The foundation is here for a good action flick, if not a great one. The problem isn’t the one-liners or the CG, as is often suggested, but a pointlessly unlikable protagonist and a lack of imagination. For twenty minutes we’re shown that Hal is an asshole, and not an interesting asshole like Tony Stark or an understandable one like Steven Strange. He’s just an asshole. He screws over everyone at his company, supposedly due to daddy issues, expressed in a way that made me want Hal to die in a fiery crash. When he is confronted with angry ex-coworkers, we are supposed to be on Hal’s side, particularly as this is the first time he uses his powers (and in such a way that should have killed his opponents if the movie cared about things like physics), but I found myself siding with the out of work men and their desire for revenge. Sure, Hal gets better, but that’s demonstrated in speeches we’re heard a hundred times before.

The battles are not exciting, and there is too much CG, but the problem is with character. I’ve seen a lot worse action, but with no one to care about, and nothing innovative or unexpected, Green Lantern ends up as a might have been.

As is common now, a second cut of the film was released for home viewing. Sometimes adding footage helps. More often it harms a film. In the case of Green Lantern Extended Cut, it is a disaster. It contains the positives and negatives of the theatrical cut and then adds significant pacing problems. The Extended Cut slaps on ten minutes of footage, all of which is unnecessary. A majority of it involves young Hal. Pre-MCU superhero movies had a strange obsession with childhood flashbacks and they are never a good idea. Here it is worse than normal. We learn nothing about Hal that wasn’t clear from later scenes, but we do get to spend a lot of time watching him run around, gaze at his father, and violate any reasonable safety protocols (jet test sites let kids run around on the runway during dangerous tests? I don’t think so.). The additional scenes slow the film to a crawl, destroy the opening, and so irritated me as a viewer that the movie never won me back. Green Lantern had a lot of problems already; it couldn’t afford more.

The original cut is also available, so skip the extended one.

Oct 042010
 
four reels

Dave (Aaron Johnson) is a nerdy, comic-book reading, bullied, high school student who decides that he will be a costumed superhero, though he has no reason to believe he will be any good at it.  Wearing an unusual wetsuit, he sets out to foil crime, and fails miserably. But a hospital stay later, he becomes an Internet sensation as “Kick-Ass” when he is filmed fighting off local gang-bangers.  He also attracts the attention of Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong), a crime lord who suspects Kick-Ass of ruining his coke trade. Unknown to all, the slightly deranged father-daughter superhero team of Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage) and Hit-girl (Chloe Moretz) are cleaning up the streets and plan to destroy D’Amico, and Kick-Ass’s path puts him right in the middle of their war.

Seventy-five percent of Kick-Ass is old-school teen comedy. Dave tries to step out of his average life and gets more than he bargained for. There’s a girl, of course, and a pair of goofy side-kicks. It’s fun, with some above average gags, and a few engaging if underdeveloped characters. The plot is linear, rarely even trying to slide in a surprise, except for how thin it all is and how unnecessary large chunks are (the love interest could be plucked from the film without a re-write). The voice-over works, which is a shock in itself, and the villains are properly diabolic. It takes itself way too seriously, but that is a flaw of many films even thinly connected to the super-hero genre; it isn’t to Hulk  levels, but it could be turned down a few notches.

But then there is that other twenty-five percent, the stuff that saps away time from the teen romance and coming of age story, and it is nothing but surprises. After ten minutes of that cookie-cutter tale, we’re introduced to Damon Macready (Cage), a loving and caring father with a special relationship with his eleven-year-old daughter, Mindy. They laugh and chat and share their feelings. Oh, and they kill people.  Lots of people. With guns and knives and grenades and some kind of pole arm, and every moment is hysterical mayhem. Cage is in top demented form (and he’s an actor that knows demented) as the bubbly dad who puts on a Batman-like bodysuit and carries a sniper rifle. But no matter how much fun watching him cause havoc is, he is overshadowed, as is the rest of the picture, by Chloe Moretz’s Mindy/Hit-Girl.

Hit-Girl swears like seven sailors with syphilis and cuts down bad guys like Neo merged with Jason Voorhees. Limbs fly, blood sprays, the little girl smiles happily, and every second is a joy to behold. It’s over the top, highly violent, and just great fun. The real flaw of the film is that it leaves Hit-Girl. Every moment with Dave and his high school friends is a moment you’ll be longing for Hit-Girl. Does her screen time make up for the general amusing mediocrity of the rest of the movie?  Oh yes, many times over.

Even the mediocre stuff is satisfying by the time the end credits roll around. The comic-opera combat just takes it to a higher level. It is simple to determine if this is a film for you. Do you like fast-moving, tear-down-the-walls, death and dismemberment action like you would find in a Hong Kong kung fu or cop epic? If yes, would you like it even better if a tween girl was the killing machine? If so, this movie is for you, and the humor is just a bonus.

If not…your life is missing the warmth that can only be gained from knowing what sweet little girls are really like.

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Jun 262010
 
one reel

In the old west that never was, Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) was disfigured and his family murdered by General Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich). The events gave Hex the power to speak to the dead. Years later, Turnbull has returned with a plan to destroy the U.S. government, and President Grant wants Hex to stop him.

Jonah Hex is usually listed as a superhero film because its source material is a DC comic book. Based on the content, it shouldn’t be on a list of superhero films. But then, based on the content, Jonah Hex shouldn’t be on any list of movies at all. If, however, someone was foolish enough to suggest it, then they should have come up with an idea for it. They could have made a serious western or a cult, spaghetti-style western. They could have made a supernatural drama or a horror film. They could have made a superhero action pic or a wild fantasy. They probably should have made a dark comedy. They needed to have made a decision. They didn’t, and ended up with a combination of all of the above, with a lot of cheese spread on top. The film flopped and the stars have admitted it was a mess.

The actors either sleep or smirk their way through their parts. None of Brolin, Malkovich, Aidan Quinn (as Ulysses S. Grant), Will Arnett (as an arrogant officer), and Wes Bentley (as some unimportant Businessman) seem to be anything other than they are—modern men reciting some lines. Only Megan Fox and Michael Fassbender understand their roles. Fox’s is nothing more than to be pretty, which she manages admirably. Fassbender pulls off psychopath with ease, but then I’ve never known him to fail in any role.

The action scenes aren’t terrible, the art design is pretty good, and at a scant 81 minutes, it doesn’t drag on, which leaves it as a tolerable film. So my rating is a bit severe. But I don’t have a one and a half reel rating. One Reel means skip it. Two means see it. I didn’t think I needed a “sorta see it” category. But that’s where Jonah Hex sits. It isn’t bad enough to avoid. It’s fine as background should it pop up on TV.

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Dec 262009
 
two reels

In an alternate 1985, costumed superheroes have been outlawed. When one ex-“hero” is murdered, his former colleagues look into it. They include:

  • Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley)—a sociopathic fascist detective without powers
  • Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson)—a drab wealthy guy with lots of super-gadgets
  • Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman)—a generic female vigilante
  • Ozymandias (Matthew Goode)—the richest and perhaps smartest man in the world, with lots of high tech toys and faster than normal reflexes
  • Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup)—a scientist who, through an accident, has become a god.

This is Zack Snyder’s first bleak, superhero murderverses—before he transformed the DCEU into one. The difference is it fits Watchmen. The story of Watchmen is dark, depressing, and generally nasty, so it ought to be shot that way. Snyder’s tendency for bombast, for posing, and for speeches instead of conversation may also be fitting, but that doesn’t mean any of that is good. Watchmen didn’t need to be subtle. It couldn’t have been. But it didn’t have to be this. Grandiose voice-overs, excessive use of slow motion, and too many close-ups makes Watchman the cinematic equivalent to someone screaming in your face for three hours.

The story is episodic. It would have been more fitting for a miniseries (or a comic book—hey, now that’s an idea). What passes for the overall arc is put on hold for 30 minutes here, 45 minutes there. That makes it a bit of a slog to sit through. So does having no character to like or follow. Everyone is either an unpleasant fascist or just drab. The fascists I could deal with, although if that was all we were going to get, three hours is too much. Well, it beats Batman v Superman.

Zack Snyder has gone on to bring his Randian sensibilities and dreary style to Man of Steel (2013), and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016).

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Aug 202009
 
four reels

A Romulan travels back in time and sets out to take revenge upon Spock, Vulcan, and the Federation, in that order. His initial attack changes the timeline as we know it, giving particularly Kirk and Spock altered lives and personalities. The young crew of the Enterprise, Captained by Christopher Pike, responds to a distress call from Vulcan and ends up being the only hope to save the Federation.

Well, it is pretty. This reboot of the franchise brought in new actors and a new non-Star-Trek point of view. It gave us a petulant and illogical Spock and an immature Kirk. Pretty much everything else was borrowed from an earlier Star Trek film (and in several cases, from Star Wars films—points for working out the two most obvious cases of Star Wars invasion). We have the home world of a major enemy of The Federation destroyed (Star Trek VI). An enemy, driven insane by grief intends to avenge himself on a member of the bridge crew (Star Trek II, Nemesis). That enemy goes back in time when destroying the Federation is easier to accomplish (First Contact). He captures a captain and uses a mind altering pincer bug to force him to talk (Star Trek II). He has an unstoppable weapon that will destroy everything and plans to use it on Earth (Star Trek I, II, IV, Nemesis). The Enterprise is forced to set out with cadet crew (Star Trek II). I could go on.

What isn’t swiped plot points is fan service. The sexy green alien is one of the more blatant cases, but almost every scene has something. Sulu caries a sword… Really?

Does all that make it a bad film? No, although the nonsensical way the plot is stitched together doesn’t help (Spock maroons Kirk on a nearby planetoid that happens to be in sight of Vulcan and also happens to be where old Spock was marooned by Nero and where Scotty was stationed—ummm…Wow, that might be the definition of lazy writing), but in the end this film isn’t about sense or thought or originality. It is lowest common denominator fun. And as I will mention again a few films up this list, it is more important to get a bullseye with an easy target than to miss a harder one—less interesting, but more important. Star Trek 2009 might not have gotten that bullseye (Abrams’s love of annoying lens flairs—that make it impossible to see half of what is going on in early scenes—is enough to dock the film a few points), but it is a solid hit. It’s supposed to entertain and nothing more. It’s fast paced, occasionally funny, reasonably exciting, and, minus those lens flairs, it looks good. And if you are a fan, a little fan service is kinda nice.

My ranking of all Star Trek movies is here.

Oct 292008
 
three reels

At a Spanish medical school, Bárbara (Macarena Gómez), a beautiful and fashion-conscious student, dreams of a future with a plastic surgeon husband, a lovely house, multiple jobs, and two kids. Med school is for husband-shopping. While there, she goes on a joyous murder spree. Most of her victims are scumballs, but she isn’t out to punish; she’s just having fun. The police have no leads on the “Campus Killer” and end up asking the help of two students, one of whom Bárbara falls for, mistaking his talk about his work in forensics as an admission that he too is a serial killer and thus, a kindred spirit.

There’s no punches pulled or pauses for reflection. Sexy Killer leaps into the fun from moment one and keeps running. It’s an hour and a half of jokes, violence, and gore mixed into a fine paste. The 4th wall is torn down as Bárbara addresses the audience and points out how this isn’t going to be your typical slasher; she’s no victim.

Most everything is good about the film—cinematography, music, the co-stars and bit players, makeup & effects—but the real weapon is Macarena Gómez. She is the film. It didn’t matter where the plot went as long as it is going with her. She has a real skill with comedy while making it seem totally believable that, in this world, she is scary. Michael Myers has nothing on this girl. She has a long list of credits in Spain, mainly in horror films; I only know her from Dagon, where she made quite an impression but unfortunately had limited screen time. Here, it’s all about her and she owns it.

For a movie titled “Sexy Killer,” it’s a lot less sexy than expected. Bare breasts pop out in the pre-credits scene, but never again. And there are numerous times when less clothing was called for such as the oddly dressed sex scenes. It’s no coincidence that the only nudity is shown while referencing another slasher—Sexy Killer often references other horror films, never making it clear if it is homage or ridicule.

A bit more “sexy” in Sexy Killer could have raised blood pressure a touch and elevated it to the top rung of horror comedies, but it is good fun.

Sep 292008
 
one reel

After receiving a phone call from herself, prophesizing her death, a twenty-something co-ed is drowned in her fish pond by unseen hands. The next friend to get a call also dies, and so on and so on. Beth (Shannyn Sossamon) was a friend of all the victims, and as the the ghostly killer appears to to use cell phone contact lists to choose who’s next, it’s only a matter of time before she gets the call. Teaming up with a police detective (Edward Burns) whose deceased sister is part of the chain of death, Beth attempts to uncover the mystery of the original caller before it’s too late.

There’s a pivotal moment in One Missed Call, when Beth explains who the ghost is and how she operates, that says it all about this film. She spells out the plot, and the preview audience around me laughed. It wasn’t a nervous laugh, nor was it “with” Beth. No, it was at the actress, and the writer, and director. That’s not a good sign.

One Missed Call is a surprisingly faithful remake of a Japanese film (Chakushin Ari) that teetered on the brink of horror, ready at any moment to fall into full-on parody. It had little to offer with regard to originality, being a close copy of Ringu and following the ghost movie template without variation. Outside of a clever (and satire-laced) scene where a soon-to-be victim appears on a sleazy faux news show, Chakushin Ari has nothing worth remaking. It got by not on its plot, but on cult director Takashi Miike’s style and on some substantial scares.

One Missed Call ’08 can’t brag about its style, misses the parody boat completely, and isn’t frightening. Oh, it’s got a few jump startles, but nothing that’s going to keep a small child up at night. That means it has to rely on its plot—you know, that horror plot that left the audience laughing.

Sossamon and Burns are never believable, not in specific situations nor as their characters in general. There isn’t a moment when they behave like actual humans, but they can’t be blamed. With the dialog they were given, they didn’t have a chance.  This is the type of movie where people speak only to spell out plot points: a girl reads the day and date aloud off of her cell phone screen, even though the only person around has read it herself, and then goes on to explain that the date is two days in the future. How helpful, at least to audience members who don’t know the date within the film.

One Missed Call is more coherent than its Japanese counterpart and Ray Wise has what it takes to play the sliminess of Geraldo Rivera, but those don’t make a movie.  One Missed Call isn’t unpleasant to sit through.  I wouldn’t even call it bad, not compared to the dozens of low budget slashers I’ve been subjected to in the past month; it’s just silly and pointless.

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Sep 192008
 
2.5 reels

As world leaders meet to discuss—and fail to do anything about—environmental destruction, a spaceship crashes, releasing the giant Guilala on the people of Japan. Realizing this will be great PR, the leaders stick around and come up with one ridiculous (and culturally revealing) scheme after another to defeat the monster. Meanwhile, a cute tabloid reporter has discovered a hidden shrine where the singing and dancing might be the key to saving the planet.

Forty years after The X From Outer Space (1967) failed to light up the box office, this non-sequel brings back Guilala, the infamous chicken-lizard with tennis balls. But while the original tried, and failed, to be a serious adventure film, Strikes Back is a satire and parody that devolves into a deeply stupid parody. But the satire is fun and even the stupidity can be enjoyed in the right environment.

Much of the film is spent making fun of the G8 Summit leaders. The American president (obviously Bush) just wants to kick-ass and get press. The French president (equally obviously Sarkozy) is interested only in getting laid. The rest of the world leader come up with plots that speak very poorly about their countries (Russia wants to inject the monster with the same poison the Putin used to assassinate a dissident a few years back). It isn’t subtle satire, but it is funny.

Our main character is an attractive reporter, following in a long line of attractive reporters in diakaiju films. And like those before her, she spends most of her time just watching. When she does act it is to join in on another diakaiju trope: the summoning of the ancient god. While we’re deep in parody here, the satire runs off and her time with the natives is played far to seriously for a zany comedy. However, I suspect I missed a few Japanese in-jokes with the dance, so it may get more laughs in Japan.

If you are looking for monster action and city smashing, you are going to be disappointed. But then this is a film with the giant chicken-lizard, so if you came for anything other than silliness you need new directions. The few scenes of actual building destruction were lifted straight from the 1967 film, which is part of the charm.

You have to know the diakaiju genre but also not be fanatical about it to like this film. If you don’t know what a “kenny” is, you’ll miss the best joke. If you think that guys in rubber suits wrestling are really cool, you are going to feel insulted. I seem to be the target audience, and I found Monster X Strikes Back amusing. The humor was getting pretty stale before the end credits, but there was enough good on screen to justify my time.

Apr 272008
 
3,5 reels

Incredible Hulk

Bruce Banner hides out from authorities as he tries to find a cure—a cure that will take him back into the life of Betty Ross, and put him into conflict with her obsessed father and a megalomaniac soldier.

Rebooting the green rage monster after Ang Lee’s miserable Hulk, Marvel decided to aim low, and they hit their target. Edward Norton never feels like a brilliant scientist, but does manage a likable and engaging blue collar Banner. The relationships are simplistic, the motivations even simpler, but it’s all good fun with giant monster hitting giant monster. There’s enough story to keep me caring about who wins the battles, but not much more. It would be four years till Mark Ruffalo created the definitive Banner/Hulk when the part was recast for The Avengers. When Ruffalo isn’t around, this will do.

Mar 062008
 
four reels

Long ago, mankind attempted to wipe out the fair folk and take Earth for its own. To save themselves, the goblins made an indestructible, clockwork army that would kill all men, but the king of the fey had a change of heart and pulled back the army. The prince (Luke Goss) saw this as a mistake, and went into exile. In modern times he has returned to gather the three pieces of the crown that controls the golden army, and unleash it on humanity. When, he kills everyone at an auction as part of retrieving the first piece, the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense is called in. Hellboy (Ron Perlman), Liz Sherman (Selma Blair), and Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) are back, joined by their new boss, the ghostly Johann Krauss (John Alexander / voice: Seth MacFarlane).

The second Hellboy film feels much like the first, but avoids the problem of so many sequels; it is neither a copy nor simply “bigger” and “louder.” It jettisons Hellboys’s portal character—Myers—and brings in Krause as a new semi-antagonist, but the big shift is in mythology. Hellboy was Lovecraftian. Hellboy II is high fantasy immersed in faerie lore. These aren’t the gentle fairies of Disney. The film is filled with the twisted, sometimes beautiful, often mesmerizing, but always dangerous faeries of the tales invented to frighten children into behaving.

Director Guillermo del Toro demonstrated his knack for the faerie world and its bizarre creatures in Pan’s Labyrinth. Here, he takes it far further. There’s the giant, furred, Mr. Wick with his mechanical hand connected by a chain. There are the tooth fairies that will devour your bones while you are still alive. There are the raven-masked guards. There is the legless goblin, the rock giant, the angel of death with eyes upon her wings, and the denizens of the Troll Market. They are the stuff of nightmares, but the coolest nightmares that call to you in the night.

The story kept my interest. The actors are marvelous; Selma Blair steps up her game and Ron Perlman continues to totally own his character. The villain is sympathetic, our heroes become deeper and more complex in a film that presents morality in shade of gray and black. But it is the world-building that is the star of the show. This is a film to see on the big screen, but then own at home so you can pause it to examine the incredibly inventive universe.

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