Jan 092016
  January 9, 2016

This is a ranking of modern Doctor Who, from 2005 (or NEW WHO). I’ll get around do ranking the seasons of Classic Who, but that’s for a different post. I’m looking at the seasons as a whole, so while that mostly means, “were the episodes in it better or worse?”, the structure of the season as a whole and any season long arcs are also factors. I am counting 14 seasons. So FLUX counts as a season, and the four Specials after season 4 also count as a season. I normally group any other specials with the nearest season, with the exception of two during Matt Smith’s time since, when I evaluated the nearest seasons, the BBC insisted that those were separate, and the fandom agreed, so I’ve just ignored 2 eps.

And for more info on which episodes brought a season up or pulled it down, check out my ranking of every modern Doctor Who episode:

The Lowest 3rd
The Middle 3rd
The Top 3rd

Now, starting in last place:

 

 

#14 Season 13 (FLUX)

doctor-who-flux2Oh dear god, does Chibnall have no concept of story structure? FLUX is a single adventure split among 6 episodes. Two of those, War of the Sontarans and Village of the Angels, feel like stand alone eps that were rewritten to fit the longer work, but the other four eps cannot stand alone. And as a single, season long story, it is a mess. OK, the good first. The cinematography is very good, probably the best Doctor Who has ever been shot. And Yaz is much more of a character now, even with a bit of agency and less petulant. And while new companion Dan doesn’t do much, he is amiable and a pleasant addition. Semi-companion Jericho is also reasonably well developed. And I like the makeup and performance of the two villains, Swarm and Azure. And that’s it. The rest is junk.

OK, what went wrong: Two many story threads, many left dangling or missing parts. Far too many characters. Extra villains who are irrelevant and underdeveloped (Sontarans, Daleks, Cybermen, The Grand Serpent). Extra allies who were irrelevant and underdeveloped (Vinder, Bel, Kate). No emotions on events that deserve big emotions (trillions upon trillions have died and the universe is in ruins and no one shows any sign of caring). Lots of emotion shown when there’s no explanation of why they deserve any concern (why does the Doctor care about her past?). Vague motivations (what exactly did the Doctor do that so upset The Division? Bringing “hope” is not an answer). Really distracting concepts of the size of the universe (apparently it is very small) and of physics (matter “slows” antimatter…). Everything ended way to quickly.

Word is that the season was supposed to be 10 episodes long and got cut. OK, then there needed to be some re-writes before they started filming that removed things that didn’t matter to the story so that important things still had room.

Best “individual” ep: Village of the Angels
Worst “individual” ep: The Vanquishers

 

#13 Season 11

In comes a new Doctor and a new showrunner, creating a season of consistency. Unfortunately, it’s consistently not very good. It doesn’t have the worst episode, but it is close, and it never shines. A majority of the eps sit in the middle of the lower third of all modern Who. Itā€™s easy to blame the generally drab writing, but the problem is larger, with the structure of the show. Perhaps three companions were too many. None of them develop personalities, or enough agency to do anything other than meekly obey The Doctor. And none of them have any kind of relationship with The Doctor. They are non-entities that hardly react, and when two of them are motivated by a recent death, not reacting is a huge problem. This is one of the worst depictions of widowhood I’ve ever seen.

Jodie Whittakerā€™s general take on The Doctor has potential, but that consistency becomes a problem again. She doesnā€™t change. Not only does she lack an arc (most Doctors don’t have one), she doesnā€™t behave any differently in different situations. Sheā€™s always the same. She’s a little breathless and rattles off exposition with a single tone. The playful childlike Doctor could work, but she needs to respond to her environment.

Chris Chibnall brings with him a dark, ugly aesthetic. Heā€™s trying to make the show look more cinematic, but he lacks the skill and the money. The blocking is flat, the lighting is dim, and the colors are off. Oddly, to go with that, he makes the show more juvenile, with non-stop messaging to kids to ā€œbe the best you can beā€ and ā€œgosh, you can overcome your disadvantages.ā€ Itā€™s both off-putting and twee.

Best ep: Demons of the Punjab
Worst ep: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos

 

#11Ā Season 12

Itā€™s like Season 11, with all its flaws, but a little better. Not much, but a little. The Doctor is still too unchanging, the companions are still drab and have no relationship with The Doctor (but do become petulant once, which is not an improvement), the production is still weak, and the message is still only suited to pre-teens, but individual eps are a step up. The big change was more references to older seasons, with a lot of returning villains, which isnā€™t in itself good, but the writers seemed to have a better idea of what to do with those.

There were multiple big reveals, that really didnā€™t mean much. The Doctor is the Timeless Child… So? How does that effect anything? Why would that effect anything? Big emotional arcs need to be emotional. This one isn’t, and, based on 50 years of the show, shouldn’t be. This is the one time the Doctor is emotional, but we’re given no reason why she’s emotional. Considering how often the Doctor has tossed off past personalities (and sometimes shown distain for past selves), why is this past important? The show needs to show us, not just assume that it is.

Best ep: The Haunting of Villa Diodati
Worst ep: Revolution of the Daleks

 

#12 Season 10

This was the season of unfulfilled potential. Peter Capaldi had perfected his Doctor in season 9 and then was given nothing to do with him. Bill was an interesting new companion, on paper, but never developed a rapport with the Doctor and was made into an idiot by the second ep, and truly annoying by the third. The Doctor was a professor (for 50 years) and that was ignored. The great mystery of the vault was no mystery at all and Missyā€™s arc promised to be the best part of the season but did nothing and petered outā€”that might be the seasonā€™s greatest flaw as it brings a memorable character to nothing after repeatedly building her up.

The individual episodes were surprisingly close in quality, with a majority ending up in the lowest third. Season 10 doesnā€™t sink to the abysmal lows ofĀ Season 8, but it has eight episodes in my lowest third. I count the Christmas episodeĀ Twice Upon a Time as part of season 10 instead of part of season 11 as is usually the case asĀ it has The Doctor, companion, writer, and showrunner from season 10, all of which would change for season 11. And season 10 could use the help.

Best ep: Twice Upon a Time
Worst ep: The Pyramid at the End of the World / The Lie of the Land

 

#10Ā Season 8

If I gave equal weight to the bad episodes in a season, S8 would end up worse than S12, as this season has some truly awful eps. It has both the very worst and the third-worst. But it also has multiple mediocre eps, which isn’t something to be proud of, but is more than S11 or 12 can say.

Clara was weak and distracted. The Doctor was grumpy and miserable; in theory that could make a fine story, but in practice, it was simply unpleasant to watch. Past grumpy Doctors took some pleasure in it.Ā Then there is the arc. Missy/Heaven turned out not to be the arc, as the little glimpses along the way were only preludes to a single two-part episode. The true arc was the Clara/Danny relationship, which was mishandled, starting with the lack of chemistry between the actors, and then going into the poor writing and underdevelopment of the two. It needed warmth, but we never saw that.

Best ep: Dark Water / Death in Heaven
Worst ep: Kill the Moon

 

#9Ā Season 7

Matt Smithā€™s final year was sloppy: Starting with a Xmas ep (the Narnia take-off Motherā€™s story) that didn’t require The Doctor, passing through some family Pond and overly moralistic eps, and then slipping into the whole ā€œClara is a Mysteryā€ arc. That arc not only ended with a whimper and a cheat, but also was designed to strip Clara of all agency and strength. She was great in her two pre-companion appearances but then had all her personality stolen and she didn’t get it back till season 9. This season has only one ep in my top 3rd and four in my bottom 3rd.

Note: The 50th Anniversary and Elevenā€™s regeneration eps are not considered parts of season 7, belonging to no season, though they wouldnā€™t change 7ā€™s placement if I included them.

Best ep: The Angels Take Manhattan
Worst ep: Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS

 

#8Ā Season 6

This is a strange season. With the exception of A Christmas Carol and The Doctorā€™s Wife, all the best episodes are part of the arc, but the arc completely falls apart into meaningless pudding and a huge cheat in the end. Still, I can’t recall having more fun with pudding and a cheat. Amy & Rory are the heart of it all and are engaging and funny. River is the icing. Those three together are a riot, producing some of the funniest episodes of the show, while also pulling at heartstrings.Ā 

The non-arc eps were a tangle of repeats, giving us another stupid healing machine, another horror story based on a kid needing love, another thick morality tale on identity, and another joke ep that included defeating cybermen with love.

Best Ep: A Christmas Carol
Worst Ep: The God Complex

 

#7Ā Season 9

A huge improvement over S8, S9 avoided the depths of S8 & S7, but rarely reached the top tier of episodes. It managed to break into my top 3rd, but only with the solid and emotional final eps,Ā Heaven Sent and Hell Bent, and with the wonderful Christmas episode, The Husbands of River Song. Most of S9’s eps hovered a bit below the mid-point. What worked was the improved Doctor. Theyā€™ve never shifted the personality of a Doctor so noticeably before, and only Sylvester McCoyā€™s and William Hartnellā€™s come close. Gone is the man who hates everything. In comes the old rocker, and him I want to watch. Clara returned to a character worth watching by finally reverting to the person we first saw as SoufflĆ© Girl.

The arc was a non-starter, since Moffatā€™s main concern seemed to be setting up red herrings. The hybrid, Missy, and ā€œMeā€ came to very little and the Time Lords should have been left out of the season.

S9 just barely edges out S6, not due to overall quality, but by its best being a step up from S6’s best. There’s a good argument for moving it above the Specials, but its four eps in my lowest 3rd drag it down.

Best ep: The Husbands of River Song
Worst ep: Sleep No More

 

#6Ā The Specials “Season”

Not exactly a season, but with five oversized episodes, it manages a half-season. Itā€™s a mixture of fluff, the ridiculous, and the brilliant. Both Planet of the Dead and The Next Doctor get a lot of undeserved hate in Who Fandom, mostly due to expectations (did they really think that the Next Doctor in The Next Doctor was going to be the Doctor?). They are both pleasant upper mid-tier eps.

After the buildup in The Waters of Mars, I’d have liked to have seen a final for Tennant dealing more with his slip into godhood, but the long, wandering goodbye was satisfying. If I could chop off the last 25 minutes of that rambling two-parter and make it into its own episode, it would be the best of the season and one of the greats.

Best ep: The Waters of Mars
Worst ep: The End of Time

 

#5Ā Season 5

Matt Smith takes over, switching The Doctor from a brilliant, dangerous, romantic figure to a cocaine-fueled, slapstick comedian. It’s a move toward the series’ roots as a kid’s show. Luckily kids shows can be fun, and this one is. Eleven works well in the light eps, but doesn’t pull off the serious ones, and never appears dangerous, though he is supposed to.

Amy is everything I’d want in a companion: strong, sexy, a bit wild, and smart. More than The Doctor, it is Amy who caries the season. Rory, the man who dies, starts off uninteresting, but improves greatly, though some of that shows more in later seasons. River is wonderful, but Alex Kingston has no chemistry with Matt Smith. This is more of a problem in season 6.

Both the plot arc and character arc are unusually heavy, with the crack in time not only mentioned in all the episodes but actually playing a part in many. Luckily, it was an arc that worked. The new Matt Smith music is excellent if overused.

Best ep: The Eleventh Hour
Worst ep: The Hungry Earth / Cold Blood

 

#4Ā Season 3

S3 was all over the place. Only Season 9 has as extreme quality changes. Leaping from The Family of Blood to The Daleks Take Manhattan can give you whiplash. However, most episodes are above the average. In the end, I rank it above S5 due to awarding more points for great episodes than the number I take away for terrible ones. And now, with so many weaker seasons, The Lazarus ExperimentĀ doesn’t seem quite as bad as it once did.

The arc is a complete failure for multiple reasons, but none more so than its ending, with mini-troll Doctor becoming Jesus due to the old Tinkerbell ā€œkids wish really hardā€ shtick, the Master going for bad comedy, and the whole thing being undone. Basic rule with an seasonal arc: You have to stick the landing. This didn’t.Ā Last of the Time Lords would be the worst ep if it wasn’t part of a two-parter, and gets slightly elevated by its first part.

Freema Agyeman could have made a good companion, but her Martha Jones was given nothing to do, and her failed love story was a bust.

On the other hand, donā€™t blink.

Best ep: Blink
Worst ep: The Lazarus Experiment

 

#3Ā Season 2

A new Doctor, and for my money, the best, along with a continuation of one of the great companions makes this a solid season. This was the most emotional season and the two leads had fantastic chemistry. The Torchwood/Alternate World/Cyberman arc is well done as it isnā€™t overly intrusive while telling a story and not cheating in the end. But S2 ends up in 3rd place because it can’t beat the writing for individual episodes in several of the other seasons. A majority of this season is in my top 3rd, with real standouts like The Girl in the Fireplace, and The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit, in addition to the arc-heavy eps, but it barely cracks my top 10 and has several episodes below the 50% mark (Fear Her, The Idiots Lantern).

Best ep: The Girl in the Fireplace
Worst ep: The Idiot’s Lantern

 

#2Ā Season 4

So much good: The Doctor is fantastic; Companion Donna starts overly shrill but ends up golden; The return of Martha, better than she was in her own season and of Rose, and both get better endings than they had previously. The Dalek/Doctor Donna arc is one of the best, finishing with a fan service episode that delivers exactly what this fan wanted while avoiding being embarrassing. And we get the introduction of River. There’s real emotion in these tales while also telling good stories and delving into the characters. Even the weaker episodes aren’t that weak, not compared to other seasons.

Season 4 has twelve episodes in my top 3rd (counting two-parters as 2), including multiple in the top 10.

Best ep: Silence in the Library / Forest of the Dead
Worst ep: Midnight

 

#1Ā Season 1

It started with the best. With 12 eps in my top third, including #1, and none in the bottom 3rd, S1 easily ranks as the best season. The plot of the arc is wobbly, but the real arc is the change in The Doctor, from broken, angry warrior to a Time Lord with a future, and the growth of Rose, and those both work beautifully. Add in Captain Jack, meaning, emotion, and a lot of fun, and S1 sings. The only flaw is that there isn’t more of it as Christopher Eccleston was a great Doctor and there was a lot more that he could have done. But perhaps his arc wouldn’t have had quite the power if he’d stuck around, but I’d have been willing to chance that.

Best ep: The Empty Child / The Doctor Dances
Worst ep: BoomTown

 

 

Dec 232015
  December 23, 2015

Following up on my 7 worst post, it’s time for the best 8 SF films of 2015. And again, I’m doing less than 10 because the year isn’t quite over yet. I’ll fill in those last 2 slots if anything deserving pops up. Here’s the best 2015 had to offer, starting with:

 

#8 Terminator Genisys

In the future, just after John Connor sends Kyle Reese back in time to save his mother, Doctor Who infectsfuture humanity with Skynet. Reese appears in a past that has changed from the first two Terminator movies. Sarah Connor has a protector Terminator and is already a kick-ass fighter. They have to take out a few cyborgs and stop the creation of skynet.

That this showed up on my Top list for the year does not say good things about the SF films of 2015. Well, it was better than the previous Terminator film. If you were of the opinion they should have stopped after two, this movie isnā€™t going to change that. Emilia Clarke is a fine replacement as Sarah Connor, though Jai Courtney fails as the rebooted Kyle Reese. Things blow up, terminators get crushed and I didnā€™t care. Itā€™s fun in a way that Terminator 4 was not, but also forgettable. I enjoyed it while watching, but canā€™t think of any reason to see it again.

 

#7 Jurassic World

Theyā€™ve rebuilt Jurassic Park and to keep attendance high, theyā€™ve genetically designed a super dinosaur. A generically evil military guy is drooling over the raptors as a new weapon, because, wow, is he stupid. Some kids get lost, the big dino escapes, the nasty corporate lady must become good, and Chris Pratt, the raptor whisperer, saves a few folks.

My list continues with another film that wasnā€™t all that great. Jurassic World is stupid on an epic scale. Not a single decision made by a character makes sense. Everyone is an idiot. Luckily the film isnā€™t based on sense. In a movie like Ex Machina, that needs to be smart, being stupid, which it is, is fatal. For Jurassic World, it weakens the film, but it still gets by as dino porn. It has big monsters and they eat people. Then people run around, and then thereā€™s some more people-eating. As a reboot/retread, Iā€™ve seen worse.

 

#6 Mad Max: Fury Road

Furiosa leads an escape of the sex-slaves of an insane warlord in an apocalyptic, sandy future. Her escape is simply a very long car chase one way, and then back again. End of film. Oh, and thereā€™s a guy named Max there for no reason.

I enjoyed the vehicular combat in The Road Warrior and Thunderdome, so I was going to enjoy this. I didnā€™t really need those chases extended till they became the entire movie. There is no plot here. None. Thereā€™s some dialog, but Max is not a big talker. Fury Road functions purely on punk outfits, people acting insane, and quick moving cars. The world is nonsensical (how is the water hoarded, and is that really a good way to distribute it?), so best to enjoy it for the look and leave your brain off. Tom Hardy does nothing with Max, but Charlize Theron is excellent, as is usually the case with her.

 

#5 Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Luke Skywalker finds a droid with an important message inside. After a slaughter that upsets him, he boards the Millennium Falcon with a team that includes a rogue, an elderly mentor, and a Wookie. Luke gains insight from a small, wise creature and begins his journey to become a Jedi Knight. They are hunted by a masked, evil Sith Lord with a strange personal connection to the team and a fascist army of stormtroopers. Somehow, they must destroy the Death Star before it blows up the planets of the Republic.

Now, change ā€œLukeā€ to ā€œRey,ā€ change the masculine pronouns to feminine, and rename the Death Star.

Star Wars 7 is a construction more than a film, made up of pieces from the other six films (mainly the original three). Itā€™s all homage and repeats. Itā€™s well done, though lacking in WOW moments. The actors do better than under Lucasā€™s care, and so do the characters. It supplies exactly what the audience asked for. I donā€™t believe art involves supplying just what an audience asks for. Thatā€™s the job of hucksters and conmen. This is the finest movie you are likely to see that demonstrates the emptiness of the blockbuster business. Itā€™s fun, hollow, corporate fun. It would have never created a legend, but it can live off of one.

 

#4 Ant-Man

Super scientist and ex-Ant-Man, Hank Pym, recruits cat burglar Scott Lang to become the new Ant-Man in order to stop yet another scientist/industrialist from selling shrinking tech to terrorists. And Hankā€™s daughter, Hope van Dyne, sheā€¦sheā€¦umā€¦well, sheā€™s there too.

The action is a lot of fun, and they manage to make shrinking and ant-friendship into powers you can take seriously. The same canā€™t be said for everyoneā€™s plans. Pymā€™s initial trick to pick up Lang is just silly. The evil guyā€™s plot to sell shrinking suits (instead of the really useful shrinking gun) to terrorists is stupid, but the ringer is the ridiculous and completely unnecessary plan by our heroes. Pym could have driven by and tossed a shrink bomb out of his car windowā€”done. Stupid plans are part of the MCU, but this film dwells on them. In other films, the eye-rolling plans are hidden with action or by our hero not knowing whatā€™s going on, but Ant-Man is all about the plan.

Then there is the whole problem with The Wasp. If you donā€™t think you can sell a female-led superhero film, then donā€™t make it so obvious this should have been one.

(Full review)

 

#3 The Martian

Assumed dead, an astronaut is left behind on Mars when his crewmates make an emergency launch. He attempts to survive as NASA works on a way to rescue him.

As this is a slow, survival film that could be about a guy on a lost island, it should be dull. Why isnā€™t it? Sharp dialog. Multifaceted Characters. Real emotion, The Martian is way better than it has any right to be. In a year of films where I just didnā€™t care, I cared. Story-wise, it isnā€™t much. But then it is never about story, but how you tell it. They told it well.

 

#2 Avengers: Age of Ultron

Tony Starkā€™s need to find a way to defend the Earth leads to the creation of Ultron, an artificial intelligence more attuned to destroying the planet. The entire Avengers team, along with a few newcomers and SHIELD agents are needed to stop this threat.

Joss Whedon works his ensemble magic again, crafting an extravaganza thatā€™s really a character piece. Each line counts and each character has his moment.

Sure, this second Avengers outing doesnā€™t rival the first, but then thatā€™s a high bar. The action is a bit much (quite a bitā€”Iā€™d have exchanged fifteen minutes of crowd saving and building breaking for a couple more group discussions) and a few of the characters are slipping into their clichĆ©s (Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Iā€™m looking at you). No problem. Thereā€™s lots of heart, lots of wit, and fabulous new characters to take up the slack. Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, and Vision are exactly what the franchise needed, and Iā€™d be content with an entirely new Avengers team as long as several of these new characters are a part of it.

 

#1 Nothing

Even grading on a curve, nothing this year deserves to be called ā€œThe Best.ā€Ā My top film of the year is 3rd on my ratings of the twelve MCU movies. My 4th is 12th on that same MCU list. My 5th ranks 4th among Star Wars films, and 7th in terms of the most interesting of that series. Ā All of the films on my best list are part of a series except The Martian, and none of them are the top of their series. That’s pathetic. Only The Martian isn’t at least slightly embarrassing. There’s been rough years before, but I canā€™t think of any significantly below this one. Perhaps what is worse than the failures is the lack of imagination. Sequel after sequel and nothing new or fresh or interesting in even one of them. What wasnā€™t just more of the same due to being part of a series was more of the same due to copying what had been done in unrelated films. Movies below my top 10, like Vice, Infini, and Pixels (those last two on my worst list) are part of that second group. Gee, I wonder if the filmmakers ofĀ Vice, a film about a luxury resort where you can play out your fantasies with robots until a robot becomes self-motivated, ever saw Westworld? At least Jupiter Ascending failed relatively on its ownā€”though it did fail. Ex Machina wasnā€™t part of a series and didnā€™t steal directly from another film, which sadly is a big deal this year. Too bad it went over well-tread AI tropes, and functioned by having incredibly stupid characters doing incredibly stupid things (key cards? No weapons? Girls being so mysterious?). Not a good year. So, unless I uncover some hidden SF gem, this year goes without a #1.

Dec 222015
  December 22, 2015

It’s that time of year again to choose the best, and the worst of the year. I’m starting with the worst. Why 7? Because the year isn’t over yet, and there are a few films I haven’t seen yet (though I doubt The Hunger Games 4 will make either my top or bottom list if the past episodes are anything to go by). I’m using “science fiction” in a very broad sense. If the film pretends to be SF, it is. I’d planned to make a “genre” list as I have in the past, but there’s a good number of fantasy films I haven’t seen yet, and the ones I have didn’t make either my top or bottom list. Fantasy is very middle of the road this year. So, counting down the worst of the worst, starting with #7:

 

#7 Self/less

A stereotypically nasty businessman is given a chance to extend his life by transferring his consciousness to a lab grown body. When he discovers the body wasnā€™t grown, but has a past which includes a wife and child, he becomes guilty, and the secret company decides he needs to die.

This action film, that could have been rewritten without the science fiction elements, plays like a first draft spec script. Guns get fired. Cars crash. Itā€™s not horrible. It is simply completely forgettable. Nothing about this film will be remembered in a year. It isnā€™t worth the effort to avoid. Ben Kingsley, who’s demonstrated he’ll be in anything if paid is again there for the paycheck, while Ryan Reynalds demonstrates, again, that he ought to be good in genre films, but somehow isn’t.

 

Ā #6 Tomorrowland

A teen genius, a robot girl, and a cynical ex-inventor travel to a parallel universe to save ours.

A corporate created kidsā€™ film that should have been a family film, Tomorrowland has some interesting ideas but they were wasted. The main character is irrelevant. The movie could have been about the robot and older man, but then it should have been rewritten before even getting to that point. This is a movie that needed magic and adventure and it came up empty. Miscasting of Clooney didnā€™t help matters.

 

Ā #5 Jupiter Ascending

A maid learns sheā€™s the genetic duplicate of the dead matriarch of a powerful galactic family (sureā€¦) that owns the Earth. Their wealth is build on harvesting humans for a youth tonic and every member has a scheme for using the maid. But she has a protector in the form of a wingless, man-wolf, soldier, hoverboard pro (OKā€¦). Do man-wolfs usually have wings? Seems so.

How far the The Wachowskis have fallen: Channing Tatum in wolf ears on a hover board; Mila Kunis spending two hours playing damsel in distress and being more worried about her outfit than the fate of the world; Eddit Redmayne overacting such that any proper society would repossess his Academy Award. Donā€™t worry about the story; they didnā€™t. Itā€™s very pretty. The pretty doesnā€™t make up for the poor acting, nonsensical plot, or annoying characters, but its enough to put it a few notches away from worst of the year.

 

Ā #4 Infini

A rescue team teleports to a deep space outpost to stop a deadly cargo aimed at Earth and to rescue the lone survivor. They just have to avoid dying from the cold and from whatever pathogen drove the last rescue team insane.

Remember Event Horizon? Remember how it was pretty good, but copied too much from Alien? If not, watch Event Horizon. Or better, watch Alien. Infini is what you get if you set out to make a copy of a copy, and run out of script and money halfway through. It looks good, and the acting is passable, but all we end up with is crazy people who like to talk and walk down mysterious corridors. It had potential, and I still had hopeā€”though fading hopeā€”an hour in, and then they just give up. Suspense, mystery, and action fades away, replaced by crazy people chatting. I doubt if you could save this, but cutting twenty minutes would be a step in the right direction.

 

Ā #3 Insurgent

In an post-apocalyptic dystopian city, citizens are split into five rigid sects. A divergent girl (doesnā€™t fit into a single group) and her combat-trainer boyfriend are on the run after the first film. The evil, nasty, bad, naughty smart people want to capture her for a secret weapon.

Insurgent, the sequel to the clichĆ©-ridden, anti-intellectual, but well-structured young adult film, Divergent, drops the ā€œwell-structuredā€ part, and gives us dreams and tantrums. Lots of dreams. If you like your films filled with events that turn out neither to be real nor matter, this is the film for you. Thereā€™s ten minutes of story, pointless grousing, and dreams. If youā€™ve seen the first film, and want to see the upcoming third one, have someone spend a few minutes explaining the very little you need to know from this one. Then go watch something else.

 

#2 Fantastic Four

A soft spoken young genius with no charisma is brought onto a dimension jumping project. He, Doctor Doom, his abused buddy, and the son of the project leader experiment withā€¦Ā  Wait. Isnā€™t Sue Storm one of the fantastic four? But she isnā€™t part of the 4 that try out the experiment? Huh. OK. So, the experiment goes wrong and gives them super powers, which they donā€™t do much with.

On the bright side, the pre-release word on this film was so bad that I was not disappointed. Itā€™s as bad as youā€™ve heard, but no worse. The characters have no chemistry, no interesting dialog, and I wouldnā€™t have cared if that experiment had killed them all. The superhero part of the film doesnā€™t start for an hour and doesnā€™t go anywhere. And to strip away an possible enjoyment, the movie is tinted an ugly green. Ā The best thing I can say about this film is that the actors would be goodā€¦in something else.

 

#1 Pixels

Aliens attack using weapons that look and act like old arcade games. Adam Sandler, playing the same guy he always does, must save the day with his old time video game skills, because that isnā€™t stupid in any way.

Could a good movie have made from this premise? No, but a better one. If theyā€™d let the not-very-funny moments come from the weak story, it could have been watchable. Instead itā€™s filled with horrible jokes that could have been extracted from ten other Adam Sandler films. Sandler spits out his low level quips, and they are never funny and usually unpleasant. When Kevin James is the sophisticated one in your film, youā€™re in trouble. Peter Dinklage deserves better, although youā€™d never know from his performance.

 

Oct 082015
  October 8, 2015

doctors

The top 3rd feels like two groups. About half would fit comfortably with the last section, while the best of the best here really soar. Maybe I should have split this into 5 or 6 posts.

Ten dominates the list, though if Nine had been in more episodes it would be a close call. Eleven shows up less, Twelve less still, and Thirteen is entirely missing.

Lowest 3rd
Middle 3rd

 

#49Ā The Runaway BrideĀ (S3-E0)

whorunawayTen, Donna
Donna is always a bit shrill, but here she is truly unpleasant. Her mother isā€¦ wowā€¦ Doctor Who hates mothers. Donna gets better over time; her mother does not. The story isn’t great and the FX spider is worse. It’s fast-paced, which helps, and funny, which helps more.Ā But it is Ten that makes it all work. He switches from emotional & dramatic to funny to an action hero three times in the same scene and it always works.
Doctor: Very Good.Ā Companion: Annoying.Ā Villain: Weak.Ā Plot: Middling.

 

#48Ā Vincent and the Doctor (S5-E10)

whovincentEleven, Amy
A good episode, but it gets far more credit than it deserves. It is not a deep exploration of depression, though it would like to be. There is way too much lightness and silliness for an episode that takes itself so seriously. Plus the music over Van Gogh’s visit to the library belongs in a different type of show–one that I don’t watch.
Eleven definitely isn’t the one for this. Ten would have pulled it off better. Amy, is of course, fantastic, and Vincent is well drawn.
Doctor: Wrong for the ep. Companion: Excellent. Villain: Weak. Plot: OK.

 

#47Ā The Sontaran Stratagem / The Poison Sky (S4-E4/E5)

whosontaranTen, Donna, Martha
The return of the classic villain, the Sontaransā€”another SF warrior & honor race that is horrible at war. A solid episode, but while the previous one, Planet of the Ood, felt like it was a two-parter, this one felt like a single-part ep when seen from a distance. Not enough happens. The genius kid was unnecessary, as was Donna remembering her previous episodes.
Funny that Martha didn’t come into her own until after she was done with the TARDIS.
Doctor: Shrill.Ā  Companions: Good.Ā  Villains: Good.Ā  Plot: Good.

 

#46Ā Partners in Crime (S4-E1)

whopartnersTen, Donna
This is a lightweight ep. A good re-introduction to Donna. She is 50% less annoying than as a bride, which still leaves a good deal. Some humor and a desire for adventure counter the annoyance. It leans a bit too far on the juvenile, however, the first meeting between The Doctor and Donna in this ep makes me give a pass to everything else.
Doctor: Excellent.Ā Companion: Good.Ā Villain: OK.Ā Plot: Weak.

 

#45Ā Hell BentĀ (S9-E12)

HellbentTwelve, Clara
Twelve goes crazy in an attempt to save Clara. I rather like that he flipped out. I wasnā€™t so fond of Gallifrey. The great civilization of the Time Lords has never been smaller. They could, and should, have done this ep without the Time Lord politics. It made them tiny and unimportant (well, not the first time that’s happened). Clara, however, got a good sendoff.
Doctor: Very Good.Ā  Companion: Very Good. Villain: Vague.Ā  Plot: Very Good.

 

#44Ā The Doctor’s Daughter (S4-E6)

whodoctorsdaughterTen, Donna, Martha
It gets a couple of points for its meta nature (David Tennant married the actress who played his daughter, who is in real life the daughter of Peter Davison, the 5th Doctor). The fish people are not the greatest creation, but more than made up for by Jenny as well as for the point about what it is to be a soldier. Budget limitations show up. This was an odd ep to bring back Martha as she’s stuck in a side plot that could have been cut.
Doctor: Good.Ā  Companions: Good.Ā  Villains: OK.Ā  Plot: Good.

 

#43Ā Gridlock (S3-E3)

whogridlockTen, Martha
A surreal episode that works amazingly well for its unreal premise. The people of New New York get on a freeway and just stay on it, forever, moving only yards each day in the dense traffic. It’s also a “save the companion” episode. The many secondary characters are well-drawn and we get the return of a few old ones, giving Whoviens something to dwell on.
Doctor: Excellent.Ā Companion: fair to good. Villain: None.Ā Plot: Good, if slight.

 

#42Ā Wild Blue Yonder (60th-Anniversary Special 2)

Wild Blue YonderFourteen, Donna
It’s amazing what you can do with so little. This is one of the most frightening Who stories, and yet there’s very little story. We don’t know what’s the creatures are or why any of this is happening, but we sure know something is very wrong. Tennant and Tate have tons of chemistry. This episode just pulled me in and didn’t let go. Normally specials go big. This one went small, and it worked.
Doctor: Excellent.Ā  Companion: Excellent.Ā  Villain: Scary.Ā  Plot: Slight.

 

#41Ā School Reunion (S2-E3)

dwschoolTen, Rose, Mickey, Sarah Jane, K9
This one is all about bringing back Sarah Jane Smith, and to a lesser extent (much, much lesser), K9. The story isn’t much, but the character interaction is first-rate. Acted as a pilot for the young kid’s show, The Sarah Jane Adventures.
Doctor: Excellent.Ā Companions: Excellent.Ā Villains: OK.Ā Plot: OK.

 

#40Ā The End of the World (S1-E2)

whoendofworldNine, Rose
After a first episode that said this show was not going to be like the past, the second episode of modern Who said the opposite. It felt like a kid’s show, a pretty good kid’s show, but a kid’s show. And Rose, who came off as strong and resourceful in the first seems weak, bitchy, and useless here. What’s her problem with aliens? She is the portal character, so who is her attitude supposed to appeal to? However, she does learn, and The Doctor is engaging, the tree woman is a nice addition, there’s a nice mix of humor and tension, there’s plenty of character development, and The Doctor and Rose’s relationship grows.
Doctor: Very Good.Ā  Companion: Disappointing.Ā  Villain: Comical.Ā  Plot: Fair.

 

#39Ā The Giggle (60th-Anniversary Special 3)

Fourteen, Fifteen, Donna
Well, that was unexpected. So much seemed just what I thought it would be, and then it would all get twisted. I expected Fifteen to appear, but not when how how he did. And I do like being surprised. I loved how visible the pain and weight was on Fourteen, and how energic and fresh Fifteen was. And who’d have thought I’d be happy seeing Mel. This works nicely as the end of the three special that brought life back to the show.
Doctors: Excellent.Ā  Companion: Excellent.Ā  Villain: Good.Ā  Plot: Good.

 

#38Ā Let’s Kill Hitler (S6-E8)

LetsKillHitlerEleven, Amy, Rory, River
A combination of a lot of fun and a lot of stupid. So, we have time travelers who just go around and torture people for “justice.” Hmmm. Shouldn’t another group of time travelers be The Doctor’s greatest concern? Ah well, why worry about the problems when you’ve got Rory punching Hitler, River’s numerous assassination attempts, River vs Nazis, and everything with Amy. This may not be the smartest Doctor Who episode, but it is one of the most fun.
Doctor: Good.Ā  Companions: Excellent.Ā  Villains: Hard to say.Ā  Plot: Best not think about it.

Continue reading »

Oct 082015
  October 8, 2015

doctors

Part 2 of ranking all the Doctor Who episodes (Top 3rd, Bottom 3), and the main thing to take away from the middle 3rd was how close together they all are. The bottom 3rd had far greater range with some terrible eps and some pretty good ones. These are all good, and I wouldn’t have a lot of trouble swapping them about in the rankings. Yes, 97 is not a winner the way 49 might be, but there is nothing here not worth watching once, or twice, or maybe more. I sound a bit grumpy with these, but only because I’d rather, in reviewing, focus on what should have been better than what is already excellent. The excellent has no need to improve.

The middle section is ruled by Matt Smith and Peter Capaldi.

 

#98Ā The Idiot’s Lantern (S2-E7)

whoIdiotsLanternTen, Rose
A weak, middle of the season ep. There usually is one, and at time of first broadcast, this was the weakest the show had been. Ah, those were the days. In general, this feels like the earlier, more juvenile version of Doctor Who. There is some satisfaction in seeing the fascist get his comeuppance, and both the political and television-related themes are solid (always amusing to see a TV show attacking TV). But the real joy here is in Ten and Rose interacting. At this point, the two of them together are fun no matter what they are doing, which is handy as they aren’t getting much help this time.
Doctor: Good. Companion: Missing too long. Villain: Weak. Plot: Weak.

 

#97Ā Night Terrors (S6-E9)

nightterrorsEleven, Amy, Rory
Another non-arc horror story about an alien child that’s not getting enough love. It seems to be a re-write of Fear Her, and I can’t think of any reason why you’d want to revisit that episode. The Doctor isn’t bad, and Amy and Rory are entertaining. Too bad they didn’t have a better story.
Doctor: OK. Companions: Good. Villain: Weak. Plot: Seen it before.

 

#96Ā Nightmare in Silver (S7-E12)

whonightmareEleven, Clara, Annoying children
Gaiman’s a good writer, but you wouldn’t know it from this, although if he was assigned the plot of children at an amusement park and the Doctor fighting himself, there isn’t much he could have done. Why would you write this and not kill the children? Clara doesn’t bring much, but she’s more amusing than the Doctor. The only time Clara worked with children was in The Snowmen, but they just kept trying, and failing.
Doctor: Weak. Companion: Weak.Ā Villains: Weak. Plot: Middling.

 

#95Ā The Rings of Akhaten (S7-E7)

whoringsEleven, Clara
The main things this ep establishes is that Clara is going to remain weaker and less fun than her two earlier incarnations. Bad space scooter FX, and the music gets cloying. Not surprising when, once again, love saves the day.
Doctor: OK. Ā Companion: OK. Ā Villain: OK. Ā Plot: OK.

 

#94Ā The Return of Doctor MysterioĀ (S10-E0)

WhoReturnofDoctorMysterioTwelve, Nardole
After a twelve-month drought following the spectacular The Husbands of River Song, this is one of the most disappointing moments in Who history. It isn’t a bad episode; it isn’t significant enough. It is emotionally empty. Since superheroes are all the rage, they added a costumed superhero to the Who universe, but they had no idea of what to do with one and nothing to say. There are some lackluster villains and a forgettable story. Twelve is in pretty good form but that’s not enough to make this memorable.
Doctor: OK.Ā Companion: OK.Ā Villain: Weak.Ā Plot: Poor.

 

#93Ā Oxygen (S10-E5)

whooxygenTwelve, Bill, Nardole
One of the ā€œa few people stuck on a spaceship about to dieā€ eps that Doctor Who loves so much. This is weaker than a majority of the others but is strong for season 10 with an emphasis on theme. The look at capitalism is solid.
Doctor: Good. Companion: Good enough. Villain: Good. Plot: Good.

Continue reading »

Oct 082015
  October 8, 2015

doctors

We are squarely in Doctor Who season again (yes, that’s an official season of the year), which has not only focused my interest but focused the interest of others who then foolishly ranked all of the episodes. The problem with their rankings was that they were wrong–wrong in that they were not my rankngs. Yes, sometimes it is that simple. So it seemed necessary for me to rank them. This I have done, from worst to best, in three posts (and I’ve updated this list now many times as new episodes came out). In general, I grouped multipart episodes together.

Naturally, I didn’t go at this as a blank slate since that would make it meaningless. Rather, I have a few positions that greatly determine my rankings. Those are:

  • Writing is the most important.
  • I’m good with Doctor Who being a family show–not so much with it being a kids show. If things get too silly or are directed only at children, my ratings go down.
  • I don’t expect the science to be good, but I do grade down when things completely lose internal consistency or when an episode takes pains to point out something egregiously stupid.
  • The season arcs matter. A bad arc hurts more than a good arc helps.
  • Yes, I think some Doctors were better than others. This is mainly due to versatility of the actor and versatility of the role, plus charisma.
  • Yes, I like some companions better than others. Some never worked (the “Fam”). Some should have worked but never jelled (Martha). Some started poorly but improved (Mickey, Donna). Some started great and fell apart (Clara). Some were perfect (Rose, Amy, Captain Jack). Some were great in so many ways, though scripts or arcs let them down (River). I universally hate all mothers on the show (I think someone had mother-in-law issues).
  • I started watching Doctor Who in 1978 and picked up the earlier ones later. I’ve watched every existent episode, many of them multiple times. That makes me an old-time Doctor Who watcher. However, I do not have some of the qualities attributed to those earlier fans. I do not give a pass to horrible FX. I do not give points for the show merely referring to its past. And most importantly, I am not against romance and sexuality. (Original Who was famously asexual. People forget that the Ā biggest outcry against the 1996 movie was not the half-human line, but rather that The Doctor kissed a woman.)

For the most part, the modern Doctor Who has been very good, though the bottom quarter is skippable and contains a few stinkers. So, let’s start with the one that smells the worst. Luckily, it gets better. (And yes, I might seem a bit harsh here, but it is the bottom 3rd.) This section is ruled by Twelve and Thirteen, who have between treen and four times the eps in it as Ten and Eleven combined (Nine is never in this section).

 

#147Ā Kill the Moon (S8-E7)

whokillthemoonTwelve, Clara
The most ill-prepared and dimwitted astronauts in history head to the moon to blow it up and Twelve, Clara, and one of her students (yes, a student) tag along. The moon is an egg for a giant alien and it is gaining mass (because that makes sense). None of the characters come out of this one looking good, but that doesn’t matter when the central point is this stupid. The only positive is that there is very little Clara and Danny faux-romance. Use this episode to argue over which character, The Doctor, Clara, the teenager, or the dim astronaut is the most annoying. If you watch Doctor Who and ask, “Oh, why can’t there be more pointless arguments?” this is your episode.
Doctor: Annoying. Companion: Annoying. Villain: Missing. Plot: Deeply stupid.

 

#146Ā Legend of the Sea Devils (Special)

Thirteen, Yaz, Dan
Itā€™s hard to think of anything good to say: The Sea Devils look ā€œbetterā€ than they did in their last appearance in the ā€˜80s and thereā€™s an OK Stephen King joke. Thatā€™s it. The rest is junk. The fights are unlikely, the characters ridiculous, the tone is bleak for no reason, the relationship material is annoying, and the ending is a meaningless lightshow. And wow, Chibnall does not understand what the Earthā€™s magnetic field is.
Additionally, the editing is horrendous with the same shot being used multiple times (sometimes reversed), and establishing and transition shots missing. Apparently this was due to COVID lockdown, which is an explanation, but doesnā€™t make it better.
Doctor: Lame. Companions: Idiots. Villain: Weak. Plot: Pointlessly complex.

 

#145Ā In the Forest of the Night (S8-E10)

whoforestTwelve, Clara
So who thought it was a good idea to stick a group of school children with the Doctor and have Clara stuck in teacher mode? I suppose it was an attempt to pull in the kid audience, or maybe it was just stupid. The kid-filler was needed as the plot should only have filled about fifteen minutes. It isn’t a bad plot; there just isn’t much to it as there is no adversary or actual problem. So a brief story about intelligent foliage, a fair amount of wasted time, and plenty of bad character development. I didn’t think Danny could be any less interesting. The family ending is saccharine and comes out of nowhere and is just another piece of wrongness.
Doctor: Weak. Ā Companion: Weaker. Ā Villain: None. Ā Plot: OK, but brief.

 

#144Ā The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos (S11-E10)

battleofranThirteen, Ryan, Yaz, Graham
The problem with big eps that are supposed to prove a point is that sometimes they prove the opposite. This one plays down all the death and pain so as to claim that killing the big bad wasnā€™t and isnā€™t the best idea, but it clearly was and still is. And that big bad ends up being strangely wimpy.
Doctor: Weaker. Companions: Eh. Villain: Wimpy. Plot: Underwritten.

 

#143Ā Revolution of the Daleks (S12-E11)

RevolutionThirteen, Ryan, Yaz, Graham, Captian Jack
The return of Captain Jack is wasted, and he’s the only good thing in this episode. The poor plot and poor use of the daleks don’t sink the ep, nor does setting up events and then ignoring them (The Doctor has been in jail for years, and…?), but there’s no getting around the whining. This is the worst appearance by Thirteen, but I hardly noticed how bad she is due to Ryan, Graham, and Yaz sucking the life out of the show. Well, at least two of them are leaving; that’s something.
Doctor: Whiny. Companions: Whiner. Villains: Weak. Plot: Weak.

 

#142Ā Flux (S13-E1 to E6)

Doctor-Who-Flux-SwarmThirteen, Yaz, Ben
Since two of the six parts of Flux can’t stand on their own, I’m counting it as a single episode, and as that, it doesn’t work. You have to stick the landing, and Flux falls on its face. Too much time is spend on things that don’t matter with the main plot being given far too little time. Characters are undeveloped, motivations are vague or missing, and nothing matters. Yaz finally seems like a character, but she still doesn’t do anything that counts. Major questions are left unanswered and unexplored whereas things of no consequence are explained in detail.
Doctor: OK. Ā Companions: A bit better. Ā Villain: Vague. Ā Plot: Nonsense.

Continue reading »

Sep 292015
  September 29, 2015

I’ve seen multiple rankings of all the Doctor Who episodes (or just all the modern ones) recently, and they all have been horribly wrong. I know this because they don’t match mine, and mine are correct. That’s just the way the universe is. Obviously I will have to fix this.

OK, if I’m going to rank all the modern Doctor Who episodes, let’s start with the minisodes. And there are a lot of them, and many of them are hardly stories. With that in mind, I’ll skip anything that was intended as an intro or break for a film, musical production, or non-Who TV show, or anything which is a game or part of a game show. I’ll also skip cut scenes (like Born Again) or episode prequels (there are a lot of them). Few of them are required viewing in any case (only the two Lady Vastra ones that act as prequels to The Snowmen really need to be searched for). Though in some cases, the “minisode” prequel is a bit more, in which case I’ve included it.

deathiis#17

Death is the Only Answer

The Doctor meets Albert Einstein in the TARDIS. Written by school children who won a competition. Well, hard to say mean things about something written by children.

#16

Good as Gold

Another episode written by children. Eleven and Amy want to go on an adventure and instead end up saving the spirit of the Olympics. Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like it would be. Again, don’t want to say mean things about something written by children.

Continue reading »

Jul 062015
  July 6, 2015

Generally I write about film–something I know a bit about. Lately I’ve been posting on the Hugos and the Sad Puppy smell–something I am acquainted with. Today I felt it was time I brought up something I know nothing about: Japanese Metal. Why? Because it is awesome. If you follow Japanese music, you will find nothing new here, but I suspect many of you don’t.

American & British Metal has become boring. Europe has some fun things going on with symphonic metal, but the Japanese have gone in directions Westerners fear to tread. They’ve merged metal with other forms of expression to make things new and bizarre. So here are a few things you need to experience. Even if you dislike metal, these are worth your while, at least once. And one isn’t metal, but I had to include it because, again, awsomeness.

So, going from most conventional to jaw dropping:

Kishida Kyōdan & The Akeboshi Rockets (Metal/Anime J-Pop)

Anime opening themes have gotten harder in recent years, while still keeping that sweet pop sound. The theme for High School of the Dead took it that step further, pounding where others strummed, because you need to pound if you are a high school student killing zombies, and they kill a lot. The series is on pause, leaving our heroes in a city of the dead and Kishida and co free to move on to other anime titles.

Continue reading »

May 302015
  May 30, 2015

With the Nebula Awards coming up in a week(ish), all things are science fiction. So, here is my list of the top 15 SF-related songs. Just so one or two groups/artists didn’t dominate, I’ve restricted it to one song per group. And I’ve given a little nudge to songs that truly show their love of SF. I’m pretty flexible on where songs ended up on this list–so just make a mix of all of them.

 

#15 Keeper Keep Us – Intergalactic Touring Band

The Intergalactic Touring Band was a concept album that barely appeared and then slipped into obscurity. I discovered it in the back bins of a record store in 1979, two years after its release. Half of the working rock musicians of the time seemed to pop up on the album, which told a vague story about a musical group flying about space in the distant future. The last track, Keeper Keep Us, was a religious hymn. Since the previous song had been about a planet where people leap into the fire so their burning bodies could give some warmth to those left behind, I think the Keeper isn’t doing his job.
(Edit: That song is no longer available to post, so I’ve replaced it with an earlier song, Star Ship Jingle a future ad used to persuade people to go into space.)

 

Continue reading »

May 092015
  May 9, 2015

one-shots

The Marvel One-Shots were a fantastic idea in a long list of fantastic ideas from the Marvel Cinematic Universe team: shorts films that could tell smaller stories, expand on concepts from the features, introduce or flesh out characters, and fill in missing pieces. This brilliant idea was followed by a horrible one: stop making the One-shots. It isn’t clear why they cut them off after five when they paid such rich dividends. I would assume it was a financial matter, but it is difficult to imagine they couldn’t come up with the cash for a few more shorts.

The One-Shots were distributed on blu-rays of MCU films (not the ones that the shorts were related to–for example, Agent Carter, which flows straight from Captain America: The Winter Soldier, was on the Iron Man 3 blu-ray). Since the One-Shots were canceled, Marvel has produced other shorts and I’ll be including those in my rankings.

Like their larger cinematic cousins, the MCU One-Shots are never bad. Unlike them, they never really soar. But if you like The Avengers, you need to see them. (The videos are what I found online, so not in perfect shape.)

 

#7 WHIH NewsfrontĀ (2015/2016)

A newscast discusses the wrong-doings of Scott Lang and the collateral damage when the Avengers intervene.

Newsfront is a series of short videos (9 and counting) released online, each between 1 and 3 minutes, advertising upcoming features. Each is a news segment discussing some aspect of an upcoming film–either Ant Man or Civil War so far–within its fictional setting. Several discuss Scott Lang’s prison record while others focus on who should pay for all the property destruction when superheros get involved and if they should be under government control. Unlike the One-Shots, they do not add anything you couldn’t get from the films. And also unlike the One-Shots, they are skip-able. They would be unpleasant to watch if they weren’t so short, assuming you are not entertained by news commentators arguing.

 

#6Ā Team ThorĀ (2016/2017)

Thor is hanging out in Australia during the events of Civil War.

Not officially Marvel One-Shots, the two Team Thor shorts are plotless jokes. The first has Thor unhappy that neither Tony nor Steve have contacted him to be part of their team during Civil War, as well as pointing out what a bad roommate Thor would be. The second doubles down on how bad he would be to live with. Ā Bruce Banner makes a cameo in the first. They are funny, dealing with the Geek-only question of why some of the Avengers were missing during Civil War. I doubt if Team Thor is intended to be canon.

 

#5 A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor’s Hammer (2011)

Agent Coulson stops for gas and snacks at a convenience store on his way to New Mexico (for the events in the film Thor) right before two robbers attempt to hold up the place.

Marvel realized that Coulson’s death in The Avengers would be more meaningful if we got to see a bit more of him, so two shorts were green lit. This is the bigger of the two, using most of the budget intended for both films. The idea is simple: show how cool Coulson is in a non-super setting. Running just over 4 minutes, there’s not a lot here, but it does a good job of expanding the character, giving the audience more reason to grieve later.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor’s… by eks-diel

 

Continue reading »

May 062015
  May 6, 2015

I ranked the MCU films, so I thought I’d dig a bit deeper. The quality of the villain can have as much to do with the quality of a film as the quality of the hero. Die Hard is often cited as an example of when a great villain makes a great movie. But for the MCU, that normal relationship doesn’t hold up. Except for a very few cases, the Marvel villains are weak. This isn’t a flaw; it is a feature. In a twisted way, this is what makes the MCU films work, because these are not action driven films, but character driven ones. The Iron Man films are not about how Iron Man solves a particular problem and defeats a villain; they are about Tony Stark. The Captain America films are about Steve Rogers. Strong villains can change that focus. A strong villain is all about the plot he creates for the hero to dwell in. And plot isn’t that important in the MCU. In only a couple cases dos the villain really matter. These movies shine because we know these characters, and we love them. Still, ranking villains is fun and I do not want to rank the heroes. So here’s my ranking of the Marvel Cinematic Universe Villains, from weakest to strongest.

I’m only dealing with main villains, so no henchmen (except for one special case) or stooges. I am sticking with the films, where direct comparison makes more sense. That makes it 36 (the Iron Man films have two each, as does The Incredible Hulk and Cap 2, while there are two cases where a single villain is the big bad in two films). Also, SPOILERS!, as sometimes it’s meant to be a surprise who the main villain is.

 

#36 – Dar-Benn (Zawe Ashton)

Film: The Marvels
Fiendish Plot: Use a magic bracelet to steal resources from other planets.
Motivation: Restore the Kree and revenge

Sheā€™s pretty much Ronan or Malekith, 2.0, and as the originals werenā€™t very good, a retread is worse. Sheā€™s just there. She hits things with her hammer (didnā€™t Ronan have one of those) and not much else. And as several other of the poorer villains, her power levels are impossible to figure from the movie. Ashton isnā€™t just there in her acting, but is way over the top (again, not unlike Ronan), but not in a fun hammy way, but more as if she had no idea what she was supposed to do so just yelled.

 

Malekith#35 – Malekith (Christopher Eccleston)

Film: Thor: The Dark World
Fiendish Plot: To bring darkness to the universeā€¦maybe metaphorically, maybe literally. Maybe just part of the universe. Honestly, not sure he’s thought it through.
Motivation: Feeling mopey

So, they spent money on an actor instead of buying a manikin and there’s no way to tell. Eccleston is invisible under his makeup. Since he was given a script that gave him nothing to do and no personality to play, he apparently just gave up. The greatest sin in art is to be boring, and Malekith is boring.

 

#34 – Namor (Tenoch Huerta MejĆ­a)

Film: Black Panther: Wakanda Forever
Fiendish Plot: Do as many stupid things as possible, I guessā€¦
Motivation: Protect his kingdom

Namor was a disappointment in a film that was destined to be disappointing. Heā€™s supposed to be noble, an anti-hero who just happens to be on the opposite side of our heroes. Instead heā€™s a wishy-washy idiot. He never makes a single move that makes sense. Why attack Wakanda? It isnā€™t his enemy, and he knows it. Why force others to do what he could do himself? Heā€™s written too poorly to be higher on this list.

 

Ronan#33 – Ronan (Lee Pace)

Film: Guardians of the Galaxy
Fiendish Plot: To killā€¦people
Motivation: Angry zealot.

So Malekithā€¦oops, sorry, I meant Ronan, is unhappy about some stuff that’s given no importance in the film, and he wants to hurt a lot of people who don’t mean a whole lot to the audience. His method of expressing this is to stand and yell. If it wasn’t for the dance-off, he’d only have one expression. A shame as Lee Pace has a great deal of character, none of which shows here.

 

yellowjacket#32 – Darren Cross / Yellowjacket (Corey Stoll)

Film: Ant-Man
Fiendish Plot: To make money by selling shrinking technology to bad guys.
Motivation: A bit of an ego issue, but really he just wants money.

In case all the many, many Iron Man “industrialist” villains aren’t enough for you, here’s another one. Like those higher on this list, he’s businessman first, but scientist next. He just isn’t a good enough scientist to do what he wants to do. If he’d spent a bit more time in the lab, maybe he wouldn’t have all these problems. Though his biggest problem is he doesn’t seem to understand what’s valuable. He desperately wants shrink-suit technology, for no reason other then selling it, then he ignores that he has ultimate assassin gun technology already. He could just sell that and stay clear of any Ant-Men. As Marvel villains go, he isnā€™t bad, but heā€™s drab, and too much like so many others.

 

#31 – Kang the Conqueror (Jonathan Majors)

Film: Ant-Man & the Wasp: Quantumania
Fiendish Plot: Use Hope to repair his power core.
Motivation: Escape so he can conquer and destroy.

Donā€™t know if this went wrong in the writing stage or the directing stage, but just as the movie as a whole lacked character and depth, so did Kang. He seems like the stand-in for the real villain that theyā€™d write later. It made it worse that his power levels fluctuated so wildly. I had no idea what he could do and what actually was a threat to him.

 

Ross#30 – General Ross (William Hurt)

Film: The Incredible Hulk
Fiendish Plot: To kill the Hulk and make more super soldiers.
Motivation: The Hulk is a threat. Or Banner is a leftist. Or Banner dated his daughter. Or Super soldiers will save the US.

I always like William Hurt and he put more life into Ross than anyone else could have, but there’s so little to work with. Ross is an old clichĆ©ā€”the grumpy, right-wing general who yells a lot. He’s not interesting in the comics and he’s not interesting here.

 

#29 – Dreykov (Ray Winstone)

Film: Black Widow
Fiendish Plot: To continue using mind controlled female assassins for world domination.
Motivation: Well, world domination

As the master mind, the general, the puppeteer, controlling an army that does his bidding, heā€™sā€¦fine. Heā€™s arrogant and cruel, but it isnā€™t enough to give him much of a personality. Thereā€™s nothing wrong with him, but thereā€™s also nothing to make him interesting. Heā€™s got no charismaā€”the very impersonal threat who is supposed to be personal. Heā€™s generic bad guy #17. He doesnā€™t do the fighting, but then he doesnā€™t do a lot of thinking either. He mainly just sits by his desk.

 

#28 – Xu Wenwu (Tony Leung)

Film: Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings
Fiendish Plot: Destroy a magical city unless he gets his dead wife back
Motivation: Love and grief

Wenwu had everything to make him a great villain. Thereā€™s lots of back-story, first with his rise as a warlord, then his redemption due to love, then his grief causing him to abuse his children, and finally his delusion of resurrecting his wife. But it doesnā€™t work in the film because Legend of the Ten Rings wants us to like him, to deeply care about him having a healthy relationship with his children and doing the right thing in general. And I do not. Yes, I understand how and why heā€™s evil, but that doesnā€™t mean I want to cuddle. Heā€™s the bad guy. Let him be that. It’s OK for his abused children to hate him and another redemption is one too many.

 

erik-killmonger#27 – Erik Killmonger (Michael B. Jordan)

Film: Black Panther
Fiendish Plot: To kill T’Challa and become king
Motivation: Revenge for how his father was treated mixed with random evil

The problem is that Killmonger isn’t really a character. He’s whatever is needed to set the tone. So sometimes he’s rational, sometimes he’s crazy, sometimes he’s trying for justice, sometimes he’s just an evil SOB. His background makes him a justified advisory for T’Challa, but that makes for a complicated film with lots of shades of gray, and MARVEL was already taking all the chances they wanted to with Black Panther,Ā  so they simplified him so the kiddies wouldn’t have to wonder if maybe he ought to win. He could have been top notch, but he’s a disappointment.

 

Killian#26 – Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce)

Film: Iron Man 3
Fiendish Plot: To gain money and power by killing the president in the most awkward way imaginable, and soothing his ego.
Motivation: Tony was mean to him at a party (hey, it’s the Sad Puppies)

Iron Man gave us an industrialist out for money and power. Iron Man 2 gave us an industrialist out for money and power. So Iron Man 3 plays it wild, giving us an industrialist out for money and power. How original. Killian lacks the backstabbing paternalistic substance of Obadiah Stane. He lacks the comedy and cruelty formed from stupidity of Hammer. Instead he hasā€¦ wellā€¦ He dresses well. Killian is smarmy, but not in a good way. He’s mainly pathetic, but he does breath fire, which really is not a plus.

 

ghost-hannah-john-kamen#25 – Ghost (Hannah John-Kamen)

Film: Ant-Man and the Wasp
Fiendish Plot: Suck away the energy from JanetĀ Van Dyne
Motivation: One part revenge to two parts making the pain go away

You can’t have a top villain when she’s in a movie that didn’t need a villain. She’s simply unnecessary. She could have been cut in favor of two or three extra scenes with the three leads. I suppose it would have been OK if she’d been a touch more interesting, but the script never seems to decide what to make of her. Is she sympathetic? Is she evil? For a moment I thought they had something when she acts gothic and weird after she’s captured Ant-Man, The Wasp, and Hank, but that was apparently her just goofing off (which doesn’t fit anything else we ever see of her).

 

#24 – Green Goblin (Willem DaFoe)

Film: Spider-Man: No Way Home
Fiendish Plot: Get Spider-Man
Motivation: Heā€™s crazy

I almost left him off as the real villain of the film is Peter Parker. All the pain, suffering, and death are due to Peter being naĆÆve, childish, and arrogant. OK, Aunt May is an enabler, but itā€™s all on Peter. But then I suppose the same could have been said for Tony Stark on several occasions, so Green Goblin gets the job as big bad (with Electro, The Lizard, and Sandman being sidekicks, and Otto Octavius in a different category). The Goblin does as well as possible in the role due to Willem DaFoeā€™s ā€œI can out-Joker the Jokerā€ performance. As itā€™s mainly a repeat performance from a previous decade, involves limited screen time, and he’s not really the big bad, he can only rank so high.

 

Kaecilius#23 – Kaecilius (Mads Mikkelsen)

Film: Doctor Strange
Fiendish Plot: Allow the demon Dormammu access to Earth and by so doing that, gain immortality
Motivation: Hatred of death due to losing both his wife and child.

Kaecilius is a solid villain, if not a particularly interesting one. Like many MCU bad guys, he doesn’t get enough screen time to become layered. He has a few nice speeches, he looks good fighting, and he displays significant malice. He feels like a threat. He serves his purpose, but he could have been replaced by another standard villain without changing anything. I’m not counting Dormammu on this list (in one way of looking at it, he’s the actual villain and Kaecilius is a henchman) as he is barely in the picture and really just takes the place of a weapon–he’s the equivalent of a gigantic nuclear bomb.

 

RazaIM#22 – Raza (Faran Tahir)

Film: Iron Man
Fiendish Plot: Acquire big weapons
Motivation: Terroristy motivation.

Raza is a one trick pony, a generic Arab terrorist, but he oozes menace and supplies what the film needs. As the primary villain, he’d have been wanting, but as a secondary who exists to prod Tony to become Iron Man, and as a red herring, he is adequate.

 

#21 – The Supreme Intelligence/Yon-Rogg (Annette Bening/Jude Law)

Film: Captain Marvel
Fiendish Plot: To gain the powers Carol absorbed and/or use her in their destruction of the skrull
Motivation: Devotion to the Kree genocidal empire

Iā€™ve got to include both as neither quite qualify on their own. And one half of this dyad is much better than the other. Beningā€™s Supreme Intelligence should be a frightening representation of fascism, but sheā€™s just sorta snarky.

Luckily, Yon-Rogg is much better. Giving off Nietzsche’s Ɯbermensch vibes, he works so well due to his appearance of kindness and caring. And it isnā€™t clear that itā€™s all an act. He goes out of his way to be a mentor to Vers. Of course heā€™s gaslighting her the whole time, but he no doubt believes itā€™s for the good. Heā€™s a recruiter for fascism. It all looks nice and pure and good, until it isnā€™t. So much of this comes from Law, who gives such a likeable performance, until you want to strangle him. He seems helpful, until challenged, and then heā€™s a patronizing ass. I think there might be a message there.

 

#20 – Gorr the God Butcher (Christian Bale)

Film: Thor: Love and Thunder
Fiendish Plan: To kill all gods
Motivation: Justifiable hatred of Gods

I give big points to Baleā€™s performance. He sells Gorrā€™s anger, loss, and bitterness. I buy it all. In a vacuum, Gorr is one of the better MCU villains, but he seems to be in the wrong movie. Gorr is one creepy dude, but was a creepy dude what was needed? Hela had threaded the needle on frightening and fun, which is what Love and Thunder should have had. Gorr is too intense for the mostly comedic movie heā€™s in.

 

thanos-gauntlet#19 – Thanos (Josh Brolin)

Film: Avengers: Infinity War, End Game
Fiendish Plot: Collect the Infinity stones so as to kill half the life in the universe
Motivation: To save the Universe from over population.

Thanos is the main character of Infinity War as we follow his story, giving him the opportunity to be one of the very best. Brolin does a nice job and there’s plenty of emotional beats but in the end he’s just OK. What drags him down is that he is both nonsensical and inconsistent. Marvel decided his motivation from the comic books (love of the incarnation of Death) was too…comic-booky, so they removed that to be replaced by wishy-washy fears of overpopulation. Love I’ll buy. Overpopulation is just stupid as he could solve the problem in so many other ways (more resources) while killing people doesn’t actually solve anything for more than a few years–and if he’d been developed well, I shouldn’t have been thinking that while watching. At least as problematic is his powers. Sometimes he seems just slightly stronger than an Avenger and at others he’s unstoppable. For all his back-story, we don’t get anything clear on what he can do. And End Game makes his powers even more inconsistent.

 

zemo#18 – Zemo (Daniel BrĆ¼hl)

Film: Captain America: Civil War
Fiendish Plot: To set The Avengers against each other
Motivation: To avenge himself on The Avengers.

I liked everything about Zemo. There’s no downside to this sympathetic, violent killer, except, perhaps, that he doesn’t have any wild, standout quirks. But this is as high as I can put him on the list because he just doesn’t have enough screen time. He’s a good villian, but not an important one. Zemo instigates the problems, but the direct conflict doesn’t involve him, or even his minions. Note: Zemo has no minions.

 

Abomination#17 – Emil Blonsky / The Abomination (Tim Roth)

Film: The Incredible Hulk
Fiendish Plot: To become a fearsome killing machine
Motivation: He’s old. And he likes to kill.

Tim Roth has personality to burn, which comes in handy since Emil Blonsky is not exactly a deep character. He apparently is very violent and would like to be more violent. That’s all he is. But as the monster he becomes, that’s all he needs to be.

 

Obadiah#16 – Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges)

Film: Iron Man
Fiendish Plot: Kill Tony and take his inventions to build better weapons
Motivation: Money and power

The personification of the coldness of the corporate world, Stane has just the right amount of fatherly charm to make him truly vile. He’s not a genius, and he knows it, but he’s smarter than most and he’s ruthless. I’ve seen this type of character too many times to be really excited by him, but he’s a good rendition of the type, particularly due to Jeff Bridges spot on performance.

 

#15 – Mysterio (Jake Gyllenhaal)

Film: Spider-Man: Far From Home
Fiendish Plot: Use illusions to get Peter to give him power over Stark Industries
Motivation: Adulation

Just how many super villains is the Stark family responsible for creating? Mysterio would be higher on this list if it wasnā€™t clear he was the villain before the film started. The story REALLY wants us to think heā€™s a good guy which is a problem when we know he isnā€™t. Still, Quentin Beck is believable, and played so well by Gyllenhaal, with his easy switch from caring father-figure to angry, sleezy bro.

 

ego#14 – Ego (Kurt Russell)

Film: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Fiendish Plot: To make all life himself
Motivation: It’s in his name: ego. Lots and lots of ego.

Ego is a really nasty guy. What works so well about him is he doesn’t act that way. He’s a jovial villain. He smiles and pats shoulders and really does want to spend a little time with his son. Kurt Russell can be quite charismatic and he turns that up to 11 for Ego. Still, Ego is not a top notch villain; he isn’t important enough. The film is about the development of the Guardians, and there are a lot of them. Ego doesn’t get enough time, thought, or focus to really thrill. He’s as good as any villain could be who’s forced to play 10th fiddle.

 

#13 – Ikaris (Richard Madden)

Film: Eternals
Fiendish Plot: Do anything necessary to make sure the Celestialā€™s plan comes to completion.
Motivation: Fanaticism mixed with Despair

One of the best twist villains in any film, Ikaris is so likeable, heroic, and bland right up until itā€™s clear he isnā€™t any of those things. Unlike Obadiah Stane, Alexander Pierce, or Ego, I felt his betrayal.

Iā€™ve seen some press counting Kro the Deviant or Arishem the Celestrial as the big bad, which clearly isnā€™t how the film is written.

 

Winter#12 – The Winter Soldier / Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan)

Film: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Fiendish Plot: To kill whoever he’s told to kill
Motivation: none

The Winter Soldier makes a great adversary for Captain America in the action scenes, and he’s got more of a back story than most villains from being Bucky in Captain America 1, but outside of the fights, he’s a robot. He doesn’t have his own motivation. He doesn’t want things or do things. He’s a terminator. He becomes more of a character as a hero, but for what he was in Captain America 2, he ends up at #12.

 

Redskull#11 – Red Skull (Hugo Weaving)

Film: Captain America: The First Avenger
Fiendish Plot: To destroy major cities, allowing Hydra to take over the world.
Motivation: A belief in the inferiority of everyone else

You can’t dislike Hugo Weaving playing evil. Plus an Anti-Captain America is a good adversary for Cap. He’s also very familiar. Take away the red head and he is a typical Nazi commander from about a hundred movies made in the ’40s and ’50s. That’s not a bad thing as there’s a reason why that kind of villain was common, but Henchman Dr. Arnim Zola is more interesting and a lot more fun.

 

Alexander#10 – Alexander Pierce (Robert Redford)

Film: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Fiendish Plot: Use terror to convince people to give up their freedoms, and then shoot any potential opposition.
Motivation: To make a better world

Pierce is the political villain in a political thriller, and as Redford had played the hero in similar films, it was brilliant casting. What makes Pierce stand above so many others is that he’s not a typical comic book “bad guy.” He doesn’t want to hurt anyone, or damage the world, nor is he out for his own gain. He genuinely wants to help and is willing to do as much as any hero. It’s just he has a different view of how to help the world than The Avengers. Freedom leads to pain. People are not capable of leading themselves. And he wants what is best for them. He even got part of his philosophy from Nick Fury. True believers are always the most dangerous.

 

hammer#9 – Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell)

Film: Iron Man 2
Fiendish Plot: Get new weapons from Vanko to sell to the military
Motivation: Money is good

Justin Hammer is what Stark might have been, if he was not so brilliant and didn’t change his ways. Hammer is smarmy (but unlike Killian, in a good way), greedy, and powerful in the corporate world, but not powerfulĀ  enough. He’s the only purely comedic villain on this list, and he runs with it unapologetically. There are some great actors in the MCU that never connected with their characters (see the bottom of this list), but Rockwell inhabits Hammer with glee, and glee really is the word to use when discussing Hammer.

 

#8 – The Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen)

Film: Doctor Strange In the Multiverse of Madness
Fiendish Plot: Steal the power from a young superhero
Motivation: To be with her children

Sheā€™s appeared as a villainous hench in Age of Ultron, then a hero Civil War, Infinity War, and End Game and back to a villain in the twisty WandaVision. Sheā€™s a solid hero, so not surprisingly, a solid villain. Nothing is scarier than a mother, if you are standing between her and her children. I understand her, and completely believe sheā€™ll do horrible thingsā€”not that she wants to, but she will.

 

#7 – The High Evolutionary (Chukwudi Iwuji)

Film: Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol 3
Fiendish Plot: Kidnap Rocket so he can use him to create a perfect race.
Motivation: God Complex and hating everything.

You want evil? Hereā€™s evil. The High Evolutionary might be the most loathsome villain of the MCU: A vivisectionist with no empathy. What makes him all the worse is heā€™s less competent than most MCU villains in that he has never succeeded, and never will. Heā€™s delusional. Whatever he creates will never be good enough and heā€™ll kill it off like has done so many times before. Heā€™s insane in a way we havenā€™t seen before. When your villain cuts up small animals, itā€™s good to not attempt some complexity. Heā€™s just evil, making it all the better when he loses it all.

 

Vanko#6 – Ivan Vanko / Whiplash (Mickey Rourke)

Film: Iron Man 2
Fiendish Plot: Use arc technology to screw with Tony Stark in any way possible
Motivation: Revenge and hatred, not entirely without basis.

With drab and understated villains filling much of the MCU, it is nice to get one that goes full bizarro. Vanko has a truly unique look (tats, shiny teeth, questionable hygiene, and an epic hair style), a flashy if impractical weapon, and a love for his “bouuurd.” He also has what many of his colleagues lack: complexity and a touch of reality. He’s angry and hurt and mourning. Angry people do not yell all the time (Ronan, that’s for you). Mourning people do not stand still and mope (that’s you Malekith). They do sometimes act a bit odd, lashing out one moment, laughing the next, switching from in control to lost. They do what Vanko does. And since Vanko really only wants to hurt Tony Stark, the questionable nature of his plans isn’t a problem. He’s not trying to win. He just wants Stark to lose. I know this is where I’ll get the most disagreements. But read what I’ve written, then go watch Iron Man 2 again, and see if you warm to him.

 

Ultron#5 – Ultron (James Spader)

Film: Avengers: Age of Ultron
Fiendish Plot: Wipe out humanity so that it can evolveā€¦kinda.
Motivation: His programming to save the world, the blight of humanity, and daddy issues.

Ultron is a drab, predictable android in the comics and animated films/shows. He could have been that in the MCU film, but he isn’t. Whedon’s script, and the always twisted performance of Spader (voice) created a deranged robot with major issues, and those issues make him enjoyable. Ultron never feels like the world-threatening menace he no doubt was meant to be, but his psychological failings did make me think he was a specific threat, someone who could cause pain, misery, and death to a few of the characters I did care about, and that makes him a fine villain.

 

hela#4 – Hela (Cate Blanchett)

Film:Ā Thor: Ragnarok
Fiendish Plot: Conquer everything and kill anyone in her way. Less of a plot than a lifestyle
Motivation: Primarily she likes killing and conquering, but a bit of nostalgia and wanting to be noticed.

Sometimes you want a villain with nuance and layers and sometimes what you need is pure evil. Hela goes the pure evil route, with fabulous flamboyance. Her costume does half the heavy lifting, making her the best looking MCU villain by a significant margin. She’s a heavy metal album cover come to life. Like the film, Hela manages the strange feat of being epic while also being funny. She’s repeatedly hilarious, right before she murders an army or after she stabs out someone’s eye. Now that’s a balancing act.

 

KeatonlSpiderMan#3 – Adrian Toomes / Vulture (Michael Keaton)

Film: Spider-Man: Homecoming
Fiendish Plot: Use recovered high tech items to steal and create more high tech items to sell to criminals
Motivation: Take care of family and those he is responsible for, plus a bit of anger at those screwing the little man.

What allows Michael Keaton to create one of the best villains in the MCU is the same thing he used in one of the best superhero portrayals (that being Batman): his ability to layer two opposing character traits on top of each other. Keaton can appear to be an everyman while also coming off a bit deranged. And that works perfectly for Vulture. He’s just a guy, trying to get by and give his family a good life. But he’s been pushed and now as he embraces his new way of providing for them, he becomes dangerous. There’s something likable about him at the exact same moment there is something very scary. Toomes is relatable–for an older member of the audience, his life and problems are more understandable and feel more important than Peter Parker’s. I wanted him to win even as I knew that wasn’t a good idea. Which puts him at #3.

 

Trevor#2 – The Mandarin / Trevor Slattery (Ben Kingsley)

Film: Iron Man 3
Fiendish Plot: To destroy Western civilization via terror, or to get some drugs
Motivation: Righteous indignation, or addiction.

The Mandarin, as introduced in Iron Man 3, is powerful and full of menace. An excellent way to start, but as the character is just an amalgamation of terrorist clichĆ©s, he gets boring very quickly. But then we’re thrown a twist, a twist despised by some comics purists (nothing is more boring than a comics purist), that makes The Mandarin something very different, and pulls the film out of its two acts of whining. The big twist shouldn’t have surprised anyone. Marvel was not going to have so racially problematic of a villain. Something was going to change. The change was Trevor, and he earns his spot at #2.Ā  If The Mandarin’s ranking seems high compared to how I ranked his film, look where I placed the other villain of the piece.

 

Loki#1 – Loki (Tom Hiddleston)

Films: Thor, The Avengers
Fiendish Plot: To become king of Asgard, and then take over Earth and rule it as a god
Motivation: Family politics, ego, need to do something.

Loki not only wins as best MCU villain, he is one of the greatest film villains of all time. In Thor, he was the semi-sympathetic, thoughtful, but damaged one in a room full of idiots. In The Avengers, he was the sympathetic, thoughtful but damaged, witty, doomed, needy, lonely, cruel, overwhelmed, powerful, brave, egotistical one in a room full ofā€¦well, mainly idiots, but a few geniuses. Hiddleston balances these conflicting characteristics and creates a personality that’s more fun than any of the heroes. Since his villain turns, he’s appeared in several more films playing part hero, part villain and he’s continued to be one of the best things about the MCU.

 

 

 

May 042015
  May 4, 2015

Today’s list: The Marvel Cinematic Universe Movies, ranked in order from weakest to strongest (see also my ranking of MCU Villains and The Worst of Marvel). Normally I end up discussing some reasonably terrible films on the low end of a list, but that’s less true here. The lesser MCU films are better than most other superhero films, and all are generally fun flicks. For a change, this is a list of films mostly worth seeing in a theater and owning.

(Updated for The Marvels)

So, time to start with the least of them.

 

33 – Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)Ā 2.5 reels

Doctor Strange is extremely irresponsible with a spell which ends up ripping holes in the universe and allowing Spider-men and villains from other universes to enter this one. Peter Parker then one-ups Doctor Strange by making irresponsible and stupid decision after irresponsible and stupid decision, causing death and pain all around, including for himself.

Walking in, I figure my problem with the film would be all the fan service and nostalgia related to bringing back previous actors and characters from the non-MCU Spider-Man films, after all, I liked all those films less than MCU movies. But nope, that all worked well, really surprisingly well, and retroactively made those films, particularly The Amazing Spier-Man pair, better. The problems came with the MCU Peter Parker. They’ve always played him as naive, but they double-downed on that with a character who should be a bit more worldly as he is older, and it just made him into an annoying brat. He was more of a child when he should have been more of an adult.

Now just because I didn’t like him didn’t mean I wanted to see him tortured, and this film really wants to torture him. The ending is painful and pointless. And then there’s the whole “Guess we can’t kill Uncle Ben… Who can we kill?” bit. This is still an MCU film, so there’s lots to like, but more than any other, there’s lots to annoy.

 

32 – Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)Ā 2.5 reels

As the people of Wakanda mourn the death of King T’Challa, Namor, Lord of Atlantis, shows up to threaten Wakanda if they don’t give him an American student who’s discovered how to track vibranium. Although there are an almost infinite number of smarter things to do, Atlantis attacks Wakanda which then attempts to respond in as stupid a way as they can. Oh, and in America there’s a white dude because apparently there can’t be a movie without a white dude.

This isn’t a terrible movie, but it is a mess. Of course the problems come from a tragedy (the death of Chadwick Boseman), so they were screwed. That’s an explanation, but it doesn’t make the film any better knowing it. And of the not-good options they had, they didn’t choose the best. On top of that, it was a rough production, interrupted by the pandemic as well as foolish actions from an anti-vaxxer actress.

But wow, just basic mistakes. I’d say it was too long for their story, but I suppose not since they never chose a story and dipped into far too many. They needed to choose a main character, and stick with her. They didn’t. It would have been nice to have characters I liked and cared about, but nope. It would also have helped if characters didn’t keep making stupid decisions. And with so many characters, it was a poor move to introduce Iron Heart, who was completely unnecessary here, just so she’d be around for later films and series.

Then there were a few problems that have cropped up before, but they were worse here: tech being able to do anything one minute and nothing the next, a “war” consisting of a few dozen people; a token white dude.

Generally MCU films can dig out of any holes by being fun and witty — but this one was pretty serious — probably too serious. The way they set it up, they had little choice, but then, I’d have set it up differently. I can’t think of a single thing that was done well. After seeing what they did, I am more sympathetic to the people who wanted T’Challa recast, but I also see why they felt they couldn’t. They were in a lose-lose situation, and they lost.

 

31 – Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023)Ā 2.5 reels

Scott, his daughter Cassie, Hank Pym, Janet Van Dyne, and Hope are pulled into the Quantum Realm, where they are separated into two group, both trying to find a way home. They eventually meet to fight Kang The Conqueror, who has a past with Janet.

The problem here is character, or lack there of. Director Peyton Reed is unable to to deal with five main characters. Everyone is underdeveloped and underutilized. In this film, Scott is Cassieā€™s dad. Thatā€™s it. Thatā€™s all he is. He has no other traits. He isnā€™t Scott Lang; heā€™s Cassieā€™s dad. Cassie is Scottā€™s daughter. Thatā€™s it. All we have is Cassieā€™s dad and Scottā€™s daughter. They donā€™t have a story. They have no arc. They do nothing. Hope is barely in the movie. Physically she is. We see her standing or sitting or walking, but she has zero character. Janet isnā€™t a character either, though in a different way. Half the time, sheā€™s an exposition machine. The rest of the time sheā€™s an anti-exposition machine, refusing to tell even the most essential information, instead simply saying how bad things are and leading the others forward. Which leaves Hank, who is the only one who has a personality. Since he does no more than Hope, that’s only so helpful.

Other aspects of the film donā€™t work as well as they should: Kang is generic and his power levels fluctuate wildly; Bill Murrayā€™s cameo comes off as Bill Murray, not a character; The art design is pretty, but nothing stands out. But none of that matters. MCU films are about characters, and this film doesnā€™t have them. I donā€™t want to spend time with Scott and Cassie and Hope and Janet because thereā€™s nothing there to spend time with. I donā€™t care about what happens to them because thereā€™s nothing to care about.

(Full review here)

 

29/30 – Avengers: Infinity War/Endgame (2018/19)Ā 2.5 reels

Thanos sets out to collect the six infinity stones which will allow him to carry out his plan to reduce the universe’s population. His quest brings him into conflict with The Avengers, The Guardians of the Galaxy, and just about everyone in the previous MCU films. When he succeeds, the remaining Avengers set out to undo his “snap.”

Avengers: Infinity War is not a movie.Ā It’s half a movie. Endgame is its second half. With them both out now, I no longer have to dwell on the incomplete nature of the first, and instead look at how the whole works, and for an MCU film, it doesn’t work very well. Fan service rules, without properly building to those moments or giving them context. Jump editing leaves far too much missing and yet at times the pace is too slow. Characters shrug off their personalities and major traits from previous films just to give the moments the directors wanted, without integrating those moments into a coherent, flowing story. Infinity War/Endgame isn’t a bad film, but it is a disappointing one, where little is earned, and spectacle and “cool moments” take precedence over good storytelling and character development.

Finally, this franchise looks less like refreshing, exciting, fantasy pop art, and more like the giant ticking machine run by a mega-corporation that it is.Ā Infinity War/EndgameĀ cannot even masquerade as being made for art or to tell a story. It was made to make money. Sure, movies generally are, but itā€™s nice if thatā€™s a little less obvious, or at least if there is some secondary motivation visible.

Its 2Ā½-Reel rating is an indicator that if you wish to see it, you should see it at a theater, where all that spectacle can shine. If you miss the opportunity to see it on the big screen, think of it as a 2-Reel film, more comfortable sitting next to Justice League than its MCU brothers.

(Full reviewĀ  of Infinity War here) (Full review of Endgame here)

 

28 – Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)Ā 2.5 reels

Shaun, his friend Katy, and his sister Li are kidnapped by his super-powered, warlord father whoā€™s convinced that his dead wife is talking to him and will destroy his wifeā€™s mystical village to find her.

The action is great, which is a given for an MCU film, but the fights are a step up from even most MCU movies. If youā€™re coming for the martial arts, youā€™ll be happy, at least if youā€™re not asking for much else.

The character work is less enthralling. Shaun, when heā€™s not fighting, is a generic nice guy, which is a drab, action hero clichĆ© that the MCU has generally avoided. Heā€™s not witty, heā€™s not complex. Heā€™s just kinda pleasant, which isnā€™t enough to lead a film. Michelle Yeoh and Ben Kingsley do their best, but arenā€™t in the film enough to give it some personality.

Which leads me to the real problemā€”this movie really wants me to care about Shaunā€™s fatherā€™s feelings and his redemption arc, and also about Shaun and his fatherā€™s relationship, and I did not. I just wanted Shaun to kill him, but since Shaun is a generic nice guy, that wasnā€™t going to happen, so itā€™s clear from the start that coincidences will save the day.

 

27 – The Incredible Hulk (2008)Ā 3 reels

Incredible Hulk

Bruce Banner hides out from authorities as he tries to find a cureā€”a cure that will take him back into the life of Betty Ross, and put him into conflict with her obsessed father and a megalomaniac soldier.

Rebooting the green rage monster after Ang Lee’s miserable Hulk, Marvel decided to aim low, and they hit their target. Edward Norton never feels like a brilliant scientist, but does manage a likable and engaging blue-collar Banner. The relationships are simplistic, the motivations even simpler, but it’s all good fun with giant monster hitting giant monster. There’s enough story to keep me caring about who wins the battles, but not much more.

It would be four years till Mark Ruffalo created the definitive Banner/Hulk when the part was recast for The Avengers. When Ruffalo isn’t around, this will do.

Continue reading »