Mar 042016
  March 4, 2016

To go with my ranking of all of the Bond films last week, here is my ranking of the Bond villains. Everyone always says that the villain makes the Bond film. I don’t think so. But there is some relationship.

Iā€™m going with main villains, as there are lots and lots of villains. Henches will get their own list, although having the right hench can make for a better main villain. Who counts as the main villain isnā€™t always clear in a SPECTRE film; I choose Blofeld only when he is the onscreen main bad guy and I also discount midlevel enforcers, like Mr. White. There are a few cases where I just have to go with multiple villains. Since the Blofelds are so different once they fully appear, Iā€™ve counted them as different villains. I am including the three non-Eon productions just for the fun of it. So, let us begin.

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blofeldspectre

#29Ā Ernst Stavro Blofeld/Franz Oberhauser (Christoph Waltz) ā€” Spectre

Who is he: Madman leader of SPECTRE and Bondā€™s brother.
Evil Plot: Gain power by controlling the worldā€™s intelligence gathering ability, revenge himself on Bond, and strip away any meaning and value from the Craig Years.
The Good: Christoph Waltz can be a good actor.
The Bad: To repeat myself from my Bond film rankings, HEā€™S JAMES BONDā€™S BROTHER! Really? Thatā€™s where they went? OK, the family metaphor can really work with Bond. See Skyfall and GoldenEye. But this isnā€™t a metaphor. This is just lame. Everything in the last few films has been because Blofeld thought his daddy loved James more than him. AH! He is the worst villain because not only does he drag down one film, he drags down four. He also turns out not to be scary, intense, or weird in a fun way, nor does he display any signs that he could run a criminal network. Everything we’re shown indicates that his organization should never have risen and would certainly fall immediately. But who cares if he is on the blah side because HEā€™S JAMES BONDā€™S BROTHER!

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drnoah

#28Ā Dr. Noah/Jimmy Bond (Woody Allen) ā€” Casino Royale ā€˜67

Who is he: Insecure leader of SMERSH and James Bondā€™s nephew.
Evil Plot: Use a virus to kill all men taller than him and make all women beautiful.
The Good: Ummmā€¦ Heā€™s not the worst thing in the film.
The Bad: The worst sin in a comedy: Jimmy Bond isnā€™t funny.

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dominicgreene

#27Ā Dominic Greene (Mathieu Amalric) ā€” Quantum of Solace

Who is he: A middle manager for Quantum, an organization that is SPECTRE, but the Eon lawyers hadnā€™t cleared that name yet.
Evil Plot: Control all the water in Bolivia, because that makes sense…
The Good: He gives off an evil vibe.
The Bad: But he gives off more of an oily vibe. He is also weak physically and in no way a real threat. Heā€™s a henchmen, except heā€™s the main guy. If you remember him at all, it is just as a vague slime bag. His timid, off-screen death is the final nail.

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blofeldonher

#26Ā Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Telly Savalas) ā€” On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Who is he: A weirdo with a cat fetish, who doesnā€™t act all that weird nor fetishy.
Evil Plot: To use his psychedelic, chicken hypnosis on European girls at his fake mountaintop allergy clinic to get them to take crop viruses back home that he can use as part of a blackmail scheme to get everyone to acknowledge his hereditary title. Yeah, it is as dumb as it sounds.
The Good: Telly Savalas can be a good villain.
The Bad: Blofeld is a weirdo with a cat fetish. Thatā€™s what he is. You do not play that straight. He is a silly camp character. You try and play down the weird and fetish and you end up with just silly and thatā€™s what we get. Dull and silly because the filmmakers wouldnā€™t go to the extreme that Blofeld requires (weā€™ll see it done right higher on the list). Savalas could have done itā€”see The Dirty Dozen where he’s really creepyā€”but here heā€™s bland while still being ridiculous. If you want a serious, scary, reasonable villain, then you do not make him a weirdo with a cat fetish, and you do not bring him anywhere close to a psychedelic, hypno chicken virus heraldry plot.

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lecheffe67

#25Ā Le Chiffre (Orson Welles) ā€” Casino Royale ā€˜67

Who is he: Orson Welles being Orson Welles on screen. Character is irrelevant.
Evil Plan: Win enough at baccarat to cover lost SMERSH money, and do magic tricks.
The Good: Heā€™s Orson Welles, which makes him memorable.
The Bad:Ā He isn’t funny (an issue in a comedy) and he only does magic tricks because Welles insisted. Otherwise, Welles isnā€™t trying, and I canā€™t say I blame him. Peter Sellers was an ass on set, and picked a fight with Welles (and with the director and everyone else, in some cases, physically assulted them) and Welles was happy to play along with the feud. So the two wouldnā€™t appear in the studio together. The whole point of Le Chiffre is interacting with Bond while playing cards. When the actors are never together, it is clear that was doomed.

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Franz_Sanchez

#24Ā Franz Sanchez (Robert Davi) ā€” Licence to Kill

Who is he: South American drug kingpin right out of Miami Vice.
Evil Plot: Sell cocaine.
The Good: Looks the part of evil drug lord. For a stereotype, has a pretty developed character.
The Bad: Wandered into the Bond franchise from ā€˜80s exploitation pictures and couldnā€™t find his way home. Much like the rape & revenge plot of the film, he doesnā€™t belong in a Bond film.

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Blofelddiamonds

#23 Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Charles Gray) ā€” Diamonds Are Forever

Who is he: A weirdo with a cat fetish
Evil Plot: Blackmail the world, again, with his diamond magnified space weapon.
The Good: Gray has a good voice and distinct look.
The Bad: Another failed Blofeld. He just isnā€™t much of anything this time. Heā€™s not impressive. Heā€™s not scary. Heā€™s not funny. His plan is eye rolling, but mainly the problem is he just isnā€™t very interesting.

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Emiliolargo#22 Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi/Robert Rietty – body/voice) ā€” Thunderball

Who is he: #2 in SPECTRE
Evil Plot: Blackmail the world with stolen nuclear weapons.
The Good: Easily recognizable. Dies well.
The Bad: A bland version of the mad, old, white dude, villain who truly fails due to terrible acting. That isnā€™t surprising as he was dubbedā€”rarely the best way to get a good performance.

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Le_Chiffre#21 Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen) ā€” Casino Royale

Who is he: A banker for criminals.
Evil Plan: Win enough at poker to cover lost terrorist money.
The Good: He looks the part.
The Bad: Heā€™s less a character than a pair of physical traits. He cries blood and sweats. Thatā€™s his personality. That’s it.

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Maximillian_Largo#20Ā Maximilian Largo (Klaus Maria Brandauer) ā€” Never Say Never Again

Who is he: #2 in SPECTRE
Evil Plot: Blackmail the world with stolen nuclear weapons, same as in Thunderball since heā€™s in a remake.
The Good: While the first Largo was drab, this one turns up the lunacy. Heā€™s just a bit nuts, which makes him feel dangerous in a way the earlier version didnā€™t
The Bad: Heā€™s still stuck with a pretty silly plot and can never rise above it.

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Aris_Kristatos#19Ā Aristotle Kristatos (Julian Glover) ā€” For Your Eyes Only

Who is he: A Greek smuggler.
Evil Plot: Recover a sunken British ā€œATACā€ device and sell it to the Soviets while just being a dick.
The Good: A believable villain for a believable plot
The Bad: Heā€™s just bland. Heā€™s not bad, but not interesting.

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Safin#18Ā Lyutsifer Safin (Rami Malek) ā€” No Time to Die

Who is he: A disfigured poisoner out for revenge with an on-the-nose name and clearly a call back to Dr. No.
Evil Plot: Wipe out SPECTRE and then maybe have a family with Madeleine and her daughter, maybe, and then commit genocide with nanobots just because.
The Good: This guy feels properly weird and broken. You want a crazy villain. Here’s your crazy.
The Bad: His motivations are all over the place and not explained. OK, he wants to kill Blofeld for revenge. That makes sense. Then he wants something from Madeleine, but that’s left underdeveloped. Then he also has a plan to kill millions that comes out of nowhere and feels like he was supposed to be Thanos and they just chopped-out pieces. And speaking of chopped-out moments, we’re given all this stuff about his poison garden that goes nowhere. Also why was he walking around on his own at the end. And finally, why didn’t he die when he was shot in the chest? I assume it was based off Dr. No having his heart on the other side of his chest in the book, and this detail was lost in rewrites.

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max#17 Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) ā€” A View to a Kill

Who is he: NAZI created psychotic and tech company CEO.
Evil Plot: Cause an earthquake to create a microchip monopoly.
The Good: Walken looks the part.
The Bad: Walken is king of psycho weirdoes. He should have created a truly memorable character, but nothing works. Itā€™s as if no one bothered to tell him who he was playing, or give him his lines, so he just goofed about a bit in Walken-mode. And for a genetic superman, he doesnā€™t do anything super, neither physically nor mentally. At least Walken in Walken-mode is entertaining.

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KarlStromberg#16 Karl Stromberg (Curt JĆ¼rgens) ā€” The Spy Who Loved Me

Who is he: Megalomaniac, white dude with a sea fetish
Evil Plot: Start a nuclear war to save the sea, as if nuclear war would be good for the oceans.
The Good: Heā€™s not particularly weak nor is he overly serious. He has a great henchman with Jaws, but as they barely interact, he doesnā€™t gain anything by that.
The Bad: One of the multiple mad, megalomaniac, old white dudes, and not a very distinguished one. He barely moves. Basically another Blofeld.

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HugoDrax#15 Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) ā€” Moonraker

Who is he: Mad, megalomaniac, white dude with a space fetish
Evil Plot: Wipe out humanity with nerve gas and replace them with his superior stock thatā€™s heā€™s kept safe on a space station.
The Good: Heā€™s an improved Stromberg. Same basic personality, with a touch more racial purity, humor, and movement. Yes, it matters if your villain appears in more than one room. And judging by the company he keeps, he gets a point for Jaws, one of the great henchmen.
The Bad: These mad, megalomaniac, white dudes are getting really old hat.

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RaoulSilva#14Ā Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem) ā€” Skyfall

Who is he: Ex-agent who worked under M and now runs a cyber criminal enterprise while causing havoc.
Evil Plan: Use his magical hacking skills to release info on MI6 agents as a step toward getting revenge on M.
The Good: This guy is freaky. The only Craig-era villain who is not only slimy (they all are), but a real threat. This is not a guy you want to meet, ever. Thereā€™s some humor, some philosophy, and a whole lot of discomfort. This is The Joker, in Bond.
The Bad: Well, another film already did The Joker. And God, do we ever need the evil plan that includes getting caught on purpose again? Itā€™s generally lame and doubly so this time as it requires so many unlikely events to occur (Q plugging the magic computer in at the right time, etc. etc.). And lets not forget Silva knowing exactly where a train will be and where he will be in a chase situation from a year ahead. All of his actions push verisimilitude even in a Bond film. And the Craig-era is too full of villains with personal attachments to Bond & company.

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GustavGraves#13Ā Gustav Graves/Colonel Moon (Toby Stephens/Will Yun Lee) ā€” Die Another Day

Who is he: Son of a North Korean general with big time daddy issues that force him to take on a new identity, that of an obnoxious upper-class Brit modeled on Richard Branson (though he claims he modeled himself on Bond)
Evil Plot: Use conflict diamonds to fund his solar energy weapon that will allow the conquest of South Korea.
The Good: Wonderful cheese. He seems strong enough both physically and mentally to be a contest for Bond, and the rage issues, plus his contempt, make him a lot of fun.
The Bad: Iā€™m just ignoring the Asian to White conversion and take him for what he is. As such, heā€™s good, except for the space laser plot (no more laser weapons or space weapons please) until the last third of the film when he’s in his Iron Man costume. But hey, it is Die Another Day, where everything falls apart in the last third.

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RosaKlebb#12Ā Colonel Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya) ā€” From Russia With Love

Who is she: #3 in SPECTRE having defected from SMERSH.
Evil Plot: Use the British and Soviets to unwittingly steal a Soviet decoder for SPECTRE by sending innocent Russian Tatiana into Bondā€™s bed. Additionally, get revenge on Bond for killing Dr. No.
The Good: No question, you wonā€™t forget her, and sheā€™s oozes evil.
The Bad: Could have seen a bit more of her. And I like her lesbian vibe, but the number of gay villains is really stacking up over the number of gay good guys (which I believe is zero). But she’s the first, so maybe lay that at the feet of Silva.

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Blofeldonly#11 Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Donald Pleasence) ā€” You Only Live Twice

Who is he: A weirdo with a cat fetish that runs SPECTRE.
Evil Plot: Start a war between the US and Soviet Union by capturing spacecraft from each and getting them to blame each other.
The Good: Finally, this is how you do it. If your character is a wild, impossible, camp creation, than play him as such. This is the Bond villain who seems would really have man-eating fish around. Heā€™s smart and crazy, and the iconic comic book spy villain.
The Bad: He is way, way over the top. Blofeld always is by his very nature. But you can only be so good and this outlandish. Yes, he’s iconic, but he really doesn’t do much. Once we see him actually in action, he isn’t as good as the mystery that was just a voice and a hand on a cat.

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GeorgiKoskov#10 General Georgi Koskov (Jeroen KrabbƩ) &
Brad Whitaker (Joe Don Baker) ā€” The Living Daylights

Who are they: A renegade Soviet General looking for money and power, and a war-obsessed arms dealer who likes to pretend he is more than he is.
Evil Plot: Gain power and money via Afghan opium and arms deals.
The Good: Koskov is a different kind of Bond villain (and with so many films, different is good). Heā€™s cheerful, showing a playful weak side, making everything he does a lie. Heā€™s light and enjoyable.
The Bad: Whitaker is forgettable. The producers even thought so since they used the same actor in a different role two films later. With a better second villain, Koskov could have been one of the best, or better still, for him to take over as sole villain. But for the film, the duel big bads work.

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FranciscoScaramanga#9 Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee) ā€” The Man with the Golden Gun

Who is he: The greatest freelance assassin in the world.
Evil Plot: Use a McGuffin to power his solar energy weapon and sell it to competing governments.
The Good: Christopher Lee. When he is dark and ruthless, which shows through mainly when he is with his sex slave, he is nasty and powerful, and is easy to hate.
The Bad: Suffers from Bond Duality Syndrome. They wouldnā€™t just let him be a cool assassin dueling with Bond. They added a secondary plot giving him a secondary personality as a megalomaniac with ambitions for world power that doesn’t fit at all with his assassin persona. A sad let down. If they’d kept him as just the assassin, heā€™d be a top 5.

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KhanOrlov#8 Prince Kamal Khan (Louis Jourdan) &
General Orlov (Steven Berkoff) ā€” Octopussy

Who are they: An exiled Afghan prince and smuggler & a nationalist Soviet hardliner.
Evil Plot: Steal Russian Jewels. Set off a nuclear bomb on a US Base in Germany, causing disarmament by the West in Europe.
The Good: They fill in each otherā€™s missing parts. Khan does the slimy yet charming, elitist evil things and Orlov fills in the rants and emotion. Louis Jourdan is fun just to listen to. Khan also hangs with the best people, particularly Octopussy, but also henchwoman Magda. And Orlov stays true to the end, dying as he should.
The Bad: As a single villain, heā€™d be top notch, but split into two makes both a bit lackluster. Not bad, but I wanted more.

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LeChiffre54#7 Le Chiffre (Peter Lorre) ā€” Casino Royale ā€˜54

Who is he: Evil banker who likes razor blades.
Evil Plot: Make up for his losses of criminal funds at a high stakes baccarat game.
The Good: Heā€™s Peter freakinā€™ Lorre. Heā€™d make a better villain than 90% of actors while sleeping. This Le Chiffre is evil with a capital ā€œEā€.
The Bad: Stuck in a poor production that just doesnā€™t let him shine.

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ElektraKing#6 Elektra King (Sophie Marceau) ā€” The World Is Not Enough

Who is she: A kidnap survivor and daughter of a powerful industrialist who happens to be friendly with M.
Evil Plan: Take revenge on those who abandoned her and irradiate a large chunk of land so that she gains an oil pipeline monopoly.
The Good: Beautiful. Sensual. Believably scary. Vicious and fun simultaneously. It helps that she is partly justified. She certainly is in her hatred.
The Bad: Suffers from Bond Duality Syndrome. She was fantastic as a revenge driven sociopath, but they just had to add a nuclear subplot that split her motivation and weakened her. If theyā€™d stuck with her one concern being revenge, sheā€™d be higher on the list.

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Kananga#5 Dr. Kananga / Mr.Big (Yaphet Kotto) ā€” Live and Let Die

Who is he: Dictator of a small Caribbean Island who disguises himself as an American drug lord.
Evil Plot: Gain a heroin monopoly.
The Good: Points for not being an old white guy. Actually sinister and the voodoo backdrop makes him stand out. His treatment of Solitaire makes him one of Bondā€™s most menacing opponents. Heā€™s also one of the few villains that doesnā€™t look silly trying to fight 007 physically. He goes way up when judged by the company he keeps: Solitaire, Tee Hee, and Baron Samedi. Tee Hee is only under Odd Job in the long list of hulking behemoth sidekicks. Solitaire is magic (in every sense) and Baron SamediĀ (who would have taken 1st place if the script had made him the main villain)Ā is fun, funny, scary, and just odd. Does he have occult powers? Who knows.
The Bad: His disguise as an American drug lord makes little sense, and involves poor makeup, which my not be a huge problem since there’s no reason that a Caribbean dictator would be a great makeup artist. His entire heroin plot wouldn’t mean much in a few years time, but more importantly, isn’t very exciting. Drugs. Oh boy. He’s got his own country. That’s way cooler.

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drnovillain#4 Dr. Julius No (Joseph Wiseman) ā€” Dr. No

Who is he: Half German, half Chinese, nuclear scientist, ex-treasurer for the Tong, and current member of SPECTRE.
Evil Plan: Disrupt American missile launches by interfering with the guidance systems. Why is never covered.
The Good: Of the mad scientists bent on world conquest (and cash), heā€™s the best. A bit creepy and his God complex works a bit better than all the other villains with God complexes. It doesnā€™t hurt that he appears to be intelligent.
The Bad: Why doesnā€™t he kill Bond after he sees Bond isnā€™t his kind of man? Or put him in a cell that isnā€™t so easy to escape from? Or not have a knob that blows up the lair? And what was his plan?

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Elliot_Carver#3 Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce) ā€” Tomorrow Never Dies

Who is he: Amoral media mogul in the mold of Rupert Murdoch with a dose of William Randolph Hearst.
Evil Plan: Start a war to raise his ratings (not far from what Hearst actually did).
The Good:Ā A satire of Murdoch (and Hearst, with dialog close to things attributed to Hearst), Carver is joyful and if any Bond villain ever was socially relevant, this is the guy. Words are his weapons and he uses them so well. Pryce, who is always good, is marvelous, chewing the scenery without ever coming off as silly. And a point for his henchman, Dr. Kaufman.
The Bad: Not much. Others have questioned why he insists on showing up at places when he could have stayed in the office and connected by video, but it seems in his character to go.

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Goldfinger#2 Auric Goldfinger (Gert Frƶbe/Michael Collins – body/voice) ā€” Goldfinger

Who is he: Repugnant, mad, white dude with an indeterminate accent who has a thing for gold.
Evil Plan: Irradiate U.S. gold reserves to make his gold more valuable.
The Good: The best in a string of mad, white dudes, with points for being different as the only villain in the first seven films not part of SPECTRE. He has the best line in all of Bondumā€”ā€œNo Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.ā€ He also has THE Bond song. And judged by the company you keep, Odd Job and Pussy Galore are great henches.
The Bad: Well, being the best still makes him one in a string of mad, white dudes. He isnā€™t actually scary, or clever. But heā€™s got the line.

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AlecTrevelyan7#1 Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) ā€” GoldenEye

Who is he: Ex double 0 agent and acquaintance of Bond’s who holds a grudge over Britainā€™s betrayal of his family.
Evil Plan: Use an EMP satellite weapon on London for revenge and to cover a bank robbery.
The Good: The metaphorical brother of Bond, heā€™s a challenge both physically and mentallyā€”and Bean has never been better. Bondā€™s behavior is often questionable, and now we can see that same behavior from a different perspective. And judging him by the company he keeps, he hangs with #1 hench, Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janseen). She is a constant joy: sexy, dangerous, beautiful, and funny. Boris is another top hench, so in a case where the villain is so good he doesnā€™t need extra points, he gets a bunch.
And he has so many good lines. Many are funny, but a few have heft: ā€œI might as well ask you if all those vodka martinis ever silence the screams of all the men you’ve killed… or if you find forgiveness in the arms of all those willing women for all the dead ones you failed to protect.ā€
The Bad: Nothing.