I attended a second grief group this evening and the gender differences I observed at the all male group were easy to find again. This group was all female except for me, and they were as unanimous in their views as the men had been, just a different set of views. They all spoke about recovery (the men denied it). They all agreed it got easier over time (the men denied it). They all thought it was important not to second guess yourself, and give yourself permission to do this or that (it hadn’t occurred to me that second guessing yourself would be an issue, or you’d have to give yourself permission for anything—still haven’t grokked that, and no men said anything like this). They all took solace in some form of vague (or less vague) spirituality and meaning behind their spouses’ deaths (no males did). They all either cried, or thought you should cry, at the kindness of people (not mentioned by the men). They all spoke about the group being their safety place (not the males’ view). And it kept going.
Now I know I don’t have enough data points myself, but then I’m not creating the hypothesis here, just backing one that already has significant statistical support. Eugie would have loved this; well, she’d have rather there be an experimental component instead of just an observational one, but still, she loved studying people.
I’ll probably keep going to both groups for a little bit (the co-ed one that is all women meets a lot more often), but the women’s way of dealing with grief is so foreign to me, I doubt I’ll stick there long.