On a paradise planet, the members of the species known as Pearl live perfect lives until Armageddon comes from the skies. Thirty years later, agents Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and Laureline (Cara Delevingne) are sent to the Alpha Stationâwhere millions of creatures from many species interactâand assigned to guard suspicious-acting Commander Filitt (Clive Owen). A radioactive zone has appeared on the station and no one sent to investigate it has returned. If the zone continues to expand unchecked, it could kill everyone on the station. But Commander Filitt knows more than he is telling, and somehow this is related to the genocide of the Pearl. Before Valerian and Laureline can solve the mystery, they will encounter Jolly the Pimp (Ethan Hawke) and shape-shifting Bubble (Rihanna).
Director Luc Besson has an eye for art design. His crime/spy dramas LĂ©on: The Professional and La Femme Nikita looked fantastic, but were nothing compared to what he did when allowed the freedom of science fiction. His 1997 film, The Fifth Element, is gorgeous from beginning to end. The cityscapes, space ships, and aliens are all beautiful, richly colored, and fully realized. And as he based some of those designs on the comic Valerian and Laureline, it was a given that when he made a film directly from that source, it would be glorious eye candy. And it is. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is everything you could ask for and more in terms of cinematography, art direction, and world building. I could have happily spent two hours watching the Pearl frolic on their strange and wonderful planet. The beginning montage is a great short film on its own (watch it here on Youtube), showing humanity meeting species after species.
And then Dane DeHaan opens his mouth and it all goes to Hell.
Story-wise, what we have is a 1930s-era colonialist adventure. And that makes sense when looking at the comic, where Valerian is a square-jawed, time-traveling, by-the-book agent, and Laureline is an 11th century peasant girl. Her desires are a bit old fashioned, and he is a good natured chauvinist who learns a lesson over the course of the story. Thatâs how the script is written, but thatâs not how it is played out. My guess is that Besson is not an actorâs director, simply letting the actors do what they do. So Clive Owen plays his part as heâs played multiple others before, and its fitting. Rihanna essentially is in a music video, dancing around a pole and changing outfits. And Ethen Hawke slips into his zany mode. That works. But DeHaan has no knowledge of â30s adventure flicks, or of parodies of those, so just gives us the same modernist (for 2017), smart-ass, weaselly character he took on in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and A Cure For Wellness, which is wrong for this film. It makes every line either non-nonsensical, uncomfortable, or just out of place. Valerian says he always follows the rules, but DeHaanâs performance says otherwise. Valerian repeatedly tells Laureline to stay back in dangerous situations in what is clearly meant to show his over-protective nature, but DeHann plays it in some weird, arrogant, misogynist mode. Every scene where he speaks is unpleasant.
Cara Delevingne (Enchantress in Suicide Squad) is miscast as well, as her part required an older actress with a stronger presence, but she could have been passable with a different lead. And a re-write of all the dialogâwhich is simplistic and uninspiredâwould have helped, but the difference between the disaster Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is, and the pleasing spectacle it could have been is DeHaan. With a mans-man, tough guy actor, weâd have ended up with that somewhat sexist â30s film. For this century, a far better choice would have been to play up the silliness of that square-jawed hero. Paul Iutzi suggested Patrick Warburtonâmaybe a ten-year-younger Patrick Warburton; he would have been perfect. Those same lines coming from him, as the wide-shouldered, heart-of-gold, rule-following, socially-backward, a bit ridiculous hero would have elevated the film from pleasing to great, and reversed the sexism. Or Chris Hemsworth, just repeating Thor, would have done the trick. But we got DeHaan, who looks too young, lacks the physical attributes, but most importantly, didnât understand the character.
Watching Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets made me angry. It is a wasted opportunity. Watch the opening scene, and then the next few minutes of CGI wonder on the Pearl planet, once someone posts that online, but as for the rest of the film: Skip it.