On New Year’s Eve, a giant wave capsizes the luxury liner…wait. It seems to be terrorists with a bomb. Well, that’s a horrible idea. Let me check on that. Yup, it’s terrorists. OK, scratch the wave. Stereotypical Middle Eastern terrorists blast a hole in the side of the Poseidon, causing it to tip over in defiance of physics. Luckily, manly, noirish, homeland security tough guy, Mike Rogo (Adam Baldwin) is there to exploit 9/11. To survive, a random group, including the already mentioned he-man, a bishop (Rutger Hauer), a weak-willed family man (Steve Guttenberg), his successful wife and their two kids, his new mistress, the ship’s doctor (C. Thomas Howell), a TV executive (Bryan Brown) and his hot, singer wife (Tinarie Van Wyk-Loots), and an older Jewish woman, must travel up to the bottom of the boat. Meanwhile, a lot of military people say lots and lots of official sounding rescue terms while moving very little.
Terrorists on the S.S. Poseidon. Huh. That’s an idea, a “let’s put our hands in the buzz saw to see what will happen” kind of idea, with all the pain that would involve. But hey, at least it’s an idea. And this is miniseries TV, where ideas are rare. The other idea, also a horrendous one, was remaking the 1971 hit The Poseidon Adventure one year before it was scheduled for a big screen make-over. That’s three takes on this material: two big budget, effects-laden extravaganzas, and one movie-of-the-week. Guess which one is going to suffer by comparison.
The cast is your usual collection of has-beens, never-haves, and not-yets. Most play to their expected level. Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner) is an exception, surpassing the material, but that’s something he’s done many times in his career since he hasn’t had a string of good parts in twenty years. Baldwin (Serenity) doesn’t embarrass himself in the embarrassing role of the anti-terrorist cliché. Steve Guttenberg also stands out, but not in a good way. Now I’m going to have to go watch his earlier films to see if he could ever act. There’s no sign of it here. I recall he could at least manage a mild level of charm, but that’s missing too. He has no idea what to do with his melodramatic lines, but then it would be hard to find anyone who could make his constant, overlong speeches on how he’s made mistakes in his life either believable or entertaining. I’d settle for slightly less painful.
I’ll make it simple. The problem is that this is a miniseries. Cut it down to movie length, and it would be an amusing, mid-level disaster flick. To pad the running time, we’re given the aforementioned apologies (if you’re on a sinking ship, escape now, discuss your interpersonal relationships later), the hackneyed terrorist subplot, and scenes of the military and a British spy standing around in an operations room figuring out how to send in a rescue team. Do you know what breaks up the tension in a thriller? Cutting away to scenes of the military and a British spy standing around in an operations room figuring out how to send in a rescue team. That’s screenwriting 101.
While the basic story and occasional scenes were lifted from the previous film, little effort has been made to placate purists. A few characters haven’t changed, while others retain only their names. Married blue-color cop Ernest Borgnine, traveling with his ex-prostitute wife, transforming into super-spy Baldwin might be the biggest alteration (for those with any connection at all). It doesn’t harm the picture to have a mainly different group worming their way through flooded corridors, but it does that some of them (the dysfunctional family) are so drab.
This flick is more entertaining than its description makes out (it pretty much has to be), but I’m left without a reason to recommend it. There are two superior versions of this story, and it wasn’t all that deep to begin with. Watch the original 1971 version. If you still have an appetite for upside-down cruise ships, try the 2006 theatrical remake. After that, read the book. That’s enough Poseidon for anyone.