It’s 2019, and Lincoln Six Echo (Ewan McGregor) and Jordan Two Delta (Scarlett Johansson) live in an enclosed, sterile, controlled, post-apocalyptic society where the only goal is to win the lottery and be sent to The Island, the last uncontaminated spot on Earth. But Lincoln is discontented and having nightmares, so he sneaks out, and learns everything he’s been told is a lie. With Jordan in tow, he runs from the facility, getting help from McCord (Steve Buscemi), an engineer friend who already knew the truth. Doctor Merrick (Sean Bean) cannot afford the rest of the world to learn what he’s been doing, so sends a squad of assassins, led by Albert Laurent (Djimon Hounsou) to take out the two escapees.
For a few minutes, The Island pretends that it is going to be about something. It’s not exactly a new somethingâif you’ve seen THX1138, you’ve seen thisâbut it’s not a bad something. There are some concepts dealing with oppressive government control tied into some recent advances in biological science. But any serious science fiction disappears quickly, first under the weight of homages to (read: “rip-offs from”) other films, and then in the ash from all the explosions.
I suggest getting together with a few friends and make it a competition: who can come up with the most concepts, scenes, and even lines lifted from earlier flicks. Let me get you started:
- A person in-the-know explains to an artificial person that her memories are implanted. The created woman then begins to tell a story about her childhood to prove she has memories, which the other person finishes. That’s Blade Runner. And for an extra point, there’s the moment when the two artificial people, one male, one female, turn together to the put-upon person who’s been working with the bad guys, and says “Help us.” That’s Blade Runner too.
- Innocent masses leaving from the top of their enclosed city to see the true world. Yup, that’s Logan’s Run. Much of the first half of the film is swiped from Logan’s Run.
- “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.” A slight cheat. That’s not from a film, but a mainstay of Bill Cosby’s standup routine.
I don’t want to spoil all the fun, but if you still need help, just think of Nineteen Eighty-Four, Brave New World, Coma, The Matrix, and two of the Star Wars movies. Of course you’re always going to win the game if you just write down every scene as coming from The Clonus Horror. You’d think someone would have been upset that the earlier film was remade without any credit or royalties going to its makers, but then The Clonus Horror was a low budget film remembered only by fans of TMST3K, and The Island has a big-money studio behind it (but I thought the studios were against copyright infringement…).
Playing the âlines from other filmsâ game with you is the always charming Ewan McGregor. Is it possible not to like him? He would make a successful psycho-knife-killer as each of his smiling victims would be only too happy to oblige: âWell, tut tut, if you really feel you need to carve out my heart, well, Iâm sure you know whatâs best.â McGregor smiles, and makes the over-used concepts and dialog seem new. I canât say I was worried about Lincoln Six Echo, but I did want McGregor to escape. Joining him is Scarlett Johansson, who looks great in a tight, white jumpsuit. It is vitally important that she does look exquisite (in that tight, white jumpsuitâŚ), because thatâs her function in the film. Her character could have been eliminated from the script without making any other changes. All that would be lost would be her in thatâŚtightâŚwhiteâŚjumpsuit.
So, thereâs charming McGregor and jumpsuit-clad Johansson walking through some previously used science fiction storylines, which is all well and good, except the unanswered questions begin to mount up. Why are a humanâs organs only healthy if he is awake? Why (and how?!) are memories being transferred between individuals? These are questions that need to be answered for the film to makes sense.
Guess what? The film never makes sense.
In its second half, the story, themes, characters, and even the unanswered questions are lost in a barrage of over-the-top action that is surprisingly low on thrills. Things blow up. Lots of things, generally in washed-out colors, and none of it is engaging. It doesn’t help that it is so fake. Hitmen hit just about everything in the city except our heroes. Not that it would have mattered if they were strafed with fifty caliber machineguns as nothing can hurt them. They plummet from a skyscraper, never losing their grip on a giant sign, and walk away from their landing. We’ve long passed improbable and have leaped over impossible. This is OK stuff for a comedy, but it is presented as gripping and perilous adventure. I was really trying to buy into all the absurdities, but there is a point when suspension of disbelief becomes impossible.
I shouldnât have been surprised, as The Island was directed by Michael Bay (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor), who equates excitement with big booms. It doesnât matter that none of the booms are connected to anything threatening, just as long as they are loud. And when even a gunshot or a rocket isnât enough, Bay solves the problem by shaking the camera. If you rate films by the unsteadiness of the camerawork, than The Island is going to be a favorite.
Itâs hard to hate a film that is this dumb. It is what youâd have gotten if Ed Wood had found a hundred million dollars and had access to A-list actors. Itâs fun as long as you donât think too hard and donât pay too much attention. If you have a few household chores to do, toss on The Island for background. It should work great if you have a cabinet to build as you can hear all the explosions over your hammering, and you can rest your arm when McGregor is speaking or Johansson is standing around in her jumpsuit. Plus, if you miss parts, it really wonât matter.