The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

Saved from the destruction of Earth by hitchhiking with his friend Ford Prefect (Mos Def), who is secretly an alien, Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman) finds himself on a stolen spaceship with the dim-witted, two-headed Zaphod Beeblebrox (Sam Rockwell), an astrophysicist girl from Earth, Trillian (Zooey Deschanel), and a depressed robot.  Together, they seek the question of life, the universe, and everything.

To discuss 2005’s The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, I need to mention the previous incarnations of Douglas Adams’ story.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to condemn or venerate this version for how closely it emulates the others.  But no review is done in a vacuum, and I am not coming up with a quality rating in a void, but a suggestion on whether or not you should see the film.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy started as a multi-part radio play.  It was a satire with fast paced wit of a kind seldom heard on radio (or in any medium).  It is hard to find a single line which isn’t funny, and yet there is a great deal to think about, if you are so inclined.  A second, lesser radio play followed, along with novels, a stage production, and a six part BBC TV series.  As the goal was laughs and satire, the plot was not sacrosanct, though they all started in the same place. What was important was to keep the humor and the cynical examination of humanity and our society, and this they all did (well, I only have the vaguest of reports on the stage play, but as you are as unlikely to see it as I, I’ll just assume it is a thing of beauty, like digital watches).

So, after some twenty years of attempts, this wonderfully twisted work has found its way to the big screen, fueled with tons of cash and the latest special effects, with the result…the result being proof that lots of money doesn’t buy quality.

Missing, or forgetting, the fundamentals of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, the filmmakers (which included Adams for a time before his death) go for plot and slapstick over meaning and wit.  There’s a lot of material to be jammed into a film (the television version is twice as long), so I understand having to cut, but instead of removing sections, they just chopped out all the jokes from each scene, leaving a rather flat adventure tale.  An excellent example of how the film went so wrong can be seen in the changes made between the series and the movie when a contractor tells Arthur he should have looked at the plans for the bypass that’s about to go through his house, as they have been on display in the local planning office.

TV version:
Arthur: “On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.”
Contractor: “That’s the display department.”
Arthur: “With a flashlight.”
Contractor: “Ah, well, the lights had probably gone.”
Arthur: “So had the stairs.”
Contractor: “But look, you found the notice, didn’t you?”
Arthur: “Yes, yes I did. It was on display on the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying Beware of the Leopard. Have you considered going into advertising.”

Film Version:
Arthur: “On display? I had to go down to a cellar.”

Having to go down to a cellar isn’t funny.  More importantly, two people discussing the plans being in the cellar isn’t funny.  There’s nothing ridiculous about plans being in a cellar.  And so it goes for the entire film.  We get the setup for a joke, and then no joke.  We get the buildup for a satirical jab, and then nothing.

As this is a Hollywood film, we’re also handed unnecessary, un-engaging, and unfunny romances, one with Arthur and Trillian and another with Zaphod and the vice president of the galaxy.  The director has stated that he likes the first of those as it is emotionally satisfying (actually, he shoves in multiple “emotionally satisfying scenes,” such as the “switching on of life” on Earth).  But this story isn’t supposed to be emotionally satisfying.  It is supposed to be funny.  And these romances take even more time away from the comedy.  The message suffers even worse as it is missing.  The soul of the story has been sucked dry.

There are plenty of nifty effects. The vogons, hulking green aliens with bad dispositions, have more life than many of the actors, and are some of the Henson Company’s best puppetry.  The space ships are also bright and shinny.  But then if I want cool effects with little depth, I’ll watch Revenge of the Sith (which has far niftier effects).

Martin Freeman makes an adequate, though flat Arthur. There is no zing to his delivery, but he’s an acceptable everyman.  Mos Def appears to be high or drunk for half of the movie, tending to mumble.  It doesn’t make a lot of difference as Ford’s part has been reduced to that of a guy who’s just hanging around.  Zooey Deschanel does OK with the role she’s given, but it is a poor one.  Her job is now to emote sadness at her relationship problems, which, not surprisingly, supplies no laughs and as many insights into the human condition.  Zaphod, in any version, is a tricky character, walking the thin line between amusing and stupid.  Sam Rockwell’s Elvis combined with Bill Clinton interpretation wildly leaps onto the wrong side of that line.  Instead of wit, he gives us pelvic thrusts and high kicks.  I will give the director credit for attempting something different with Zaphod’s second head.  It doesn’t work, but I don’t recall ever seeing an effective two-headed person on film (or in life for that matter).  Only Stephen Fry, as the voice of The Guide, and Alan Rickman, as the voice of the depressed robot, Marvin, appear to understand their roles.  However, Fry’s work is diminished by the bland visuals displayed when Guide passages are read.

John Malkovich makes a brief appearance as a character who has no part in the film, though does have nice spindly, special effect, metal legs.  The additional material stuck in for this character isn’t humorous as the joke is already in the story as a brief guide entry—this just makes the joke longer.  One minute jokes are rarely as funny when told over ten minutes.  This new character is also a second act motivation for the leads, giving them reason to quest for a gun.  But they were going to where the gun was anyway, and the gun’s only purpose in the film is to provoke yet another emotional moment for Zooey, so would have been best left out of the story.  But, at least I have nothing bad to say about Malkovich’s performance.

Watching the big screen adaptation of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is like reading Cliff Notes.  It ruins the work if you don’t know it, and is unnecessary if you do.  If you don’t know any version, don’t start here. Get the radio play or the BBC series.  If you are a fan, you might want to see this as a curiosity, though probably not.