Space captain Abraham Van Helsing (Casper Van Dien) and his crew, Aurora Ash (Erika Eleniak), 187 (Coolio), Mina Murry (Alexandra Kamp), Humvee (Tom ‘Tiny’ Lister Jr.), and The Professor (Grant Swanby) find the derelict starship, Demeter. It had been transporting coffins from the planet Transylvania in the Carpathian galaxy (or solar system—both terms are used in the film). Boarding the ship awakens Dracula.
When there’s nothing left to do with an Earth-bound monster, someone tosses him into space. There was Pinhead in Space (Hellraiser: Bloodline), the Leprechaun in Space (Leprechaun 4: In Space), and Jason in Space (Jason X). I didn’t realize how poetic, philosophical, exciting, complex, and emotionally engaging those classics of the screen were until I saw Dracula 3000, Dracula in Space. Before I might have disparaged the interpersonal relationships evident in Leprechaun 4, where the little green fey creature converses with the space valley girl, and the man-spider-machine guy. Now I know that was art. Dracula 3000 changes the standard by which all films are judged.
A glance at the plot (go ahead, it’s about eight lines up from here; glance at it) reveals that this is a campy comedy. And I certainly laughed. However, as filmed, it isn’t intended to be. Yes, Dracula coming from the planet Transylvania is supposed to be taken seriously. Not that Dracula is in the film much. When he does appear, it is wearing a dime store vampire costume, complete with long cape and floppy collar. As the director, I would’ve kept him off screen as much as possible as well. If only he’d shown such good judgment when he decided to shoot shaking scenes of the empty hallway.
With only five minutes of the costumed count, there is plenty of time for the talent-low cast to utter dialog that couldn’t have been scripted. No one could write lines like “Yo Captain. Dude!” If you like squabbling, bad drug jokes, and characters stating the obvious, you’ll find much to appreciate.
Apparently in the year 3000, there is a great deal of racial unrest, with blacks using 1990s slang. You can’t blame them for being tense, since they are given names of ancient RVs or police codes—187 is the code for homicide (and remember, this isn’t a comedy). Humvee does remark on his contempt for the police with the line, “She’s a nark; she’s five-0.” It’s interesting that a reference to a 1970’s TV show would be remembered, but the concept of vampires, crucifixes, and God would be forgotten. He also expresses his concern about being attacked by one of his fellow astronauts with the near-Shakespearean, “As soon as I let you up girl you’re going to be all vampire on my black ass.” Lyrical, yet dramatic!
Coolio, who must have read the script and assumed it was a comedy, attempts to be funny, but manages only to reach annoying. Casper Van Dien plays it straight, as if he is a smirking action hero. He can smirk. It’s good to have a skill, and that’s his. Ex-Baywatch babe Erika Eleniak keeps her only talents covered. I would question the point in hiring her if the movie is going to be prudish, but when you’ve hired Van Dien and Coolio, it would be silly to claim that they started making mistakes with Eleniak. Actually, it’s foolish of me to comment on the quasi-performances as even Sir John Gielgud would look like a trained monkey if stuck in this movie.
There are movies that are so bad they’re good. Dracula 3000 creates a new category: so horrendous that you will laugh at the sad state of filmmaking.
A note to anyone confused by the title, Dracula 3000 has no connection to Dracula 2000. The name is a marketing gimmick to take advantage of a far less embarrassing film’s minimal success.