The Nun (2018)

A nun commits suicide at an abbey known for evil activities. The Vatican sends mystery-solving Father Burke (Demian Bichir) and clairvoyant Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga) to investigate. The nuns of the abbey are all weird, some paranoid and abrasive and some ghostly and evil. Their only help comes from Frenchie (Jonas Bloquet), a local who found the body of the nun. As soon as they arrive, a non-stop sting of random ghostly/demonic events occur, the sort that would lead anyone to get the hell out of Dodge immediately, but they stick around so that more random ghostly/demonic things can happen.

The Conjuring films, based on the writings of a pair of sleazy conmen who lied about “demonic activity,” were extremely successful, so New Line Cinema has made and is making a string of sequels and prequels, jettisoning the claim that any of this is true. The Nun is the latest, taking a minor evil from The Conjuring 2 and Annabelle: Creation and giving it a back-story. And you end up with what you’d expect from a cash-grab film in a lucrative franchise. It’s got a decent budget and a skilled cast and crew. The sets are great and they’re obviously using good equipment. And either these are great actors or director Corin Hardy knows how to milk the best from mediocre ones.

But with all that good stuff, we’re still stuck with a film that had no reason to be made. They didn’t have a story to tell. So they came up with a vague foundation, and then filled in most of the runtime with “evil stuff happens.” There’s no reason for any specific thing. The priest gets attacked early on and buried in a coffin. Why? Why not just kill him if you can dig a grave, drag a guy in, and fill in the dirt? Blood flows on the stairs, just because. Visions occur (so many visions), but except for one dealing with Mary, none of them matter. Some ghost nuns want to talk while other ghost nuns very much don’t. Why? There’s no way to tell if something is dangerous because anything can happen. I wonder if any of this stuff was scripted before they started shooting, or if they just came in each day and said, “Hey, what can the makeup people and set dressers do that will look cool or at least scary?” But it isn’t scary because it is so random. Horror needs a structure, and something approaching rules.

Also, if you are going to steal your big moment, steal from something better than a Tales From the Crypt movie.

They had everything they needed to make a first class horror film, except a story and a theme, and it turns out those are important.