Reptilicus (1961)

Miners discover a giant frozen reptilian tail and hunkiest miner sends it to Professor Marteen of the Copenhagen aquarium. Professor Marteen has two, hot, man-hungry daughters. It doesn’t matter for the story, but the film wants you to know just how male-crazed these two chicks are and how lucky any man is who they get their hands on or who gets his hands on them. I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be humor or if the Danish just dwell on hot daughters and midday sex with strangers. But then Professor Marteen meets the new female scientist and leaps into discussing what a babe she is, so maybe it isn’t just daughters.

After everyone recovers from the hotness and obsession of the women, the scientists bring in a dopy comic relief caretaker to… Well, he doesn’t do anything, though he’s set up to be the idiot that releases the giant monster. Instead that’s Marteen’s sidekick scientist, who leaves the refrigerator door open, allowing the tail to defrost and then regenerate into a giant snake puppet. Later, the sidekick gets eaten so I guess we can’t get too upset with him.

Luckily the UN has sent in grumpy US general Mark Grayson. He’s always unhappy and sweaty, and apparently the hero even though he’s the worst general ever. He does cheer up by taking the babe scientist on a stock footage travelogue of beautiful Copenhagen, which is handy as the film doubles as a vacation planner. Of course he gets grumpy again when the Reptilicus (cute name) goes on a rampage. He’s there to order lots of bomb attacks on the monster that can regenerate from any lost tissue. You’d think we’d end up with tons of Reptilicuses by the end, but snake puppets are expensive.

Can the general, scientist and hunky minor save the day? And what is the hunky minor still doing there? Really, doesn’t he have a job or something?

“You’ll have to fire point blank. At very close range.”

Reptilicus was Denmark’s low-budget, lower-talented entry into the ‘60s giant monster craze. It was shot, poorly, in Denmark, but with the actors speaking English. Since that sounded as good as expected, their voices were dubbed, which also sounds as good as expected. At least the words generally fit the lip movements. A comedy song was also cut, along with many of the most egregiously awful effects sequences. But to make up for that, the snake puppet was given animated acid spit that splotches on the screen and never has any visible effect (though the voices on the radios do seem quite upset about it.

This is a terrible film on every level. The monster is a string-pulled puppet that just waves its head back and forth. There is nothing connecting the fleeing townsfolk to the monster as they run through actual streets (though in random directions) while Reptilicus is tugged over cardboard boxes. Most of the indoor scenes stick with an unmoving camera and the actors often line up in a row, facing forward, like the blocking of a middle school play.

However, with the right crowd, and the right amount of alcohol, Reptilcus might fit into the “so bad its good” category. There are plenty of spots to insert your own MST3K routine. It certainly has the “so bad” part down.