Oct 111986
 
two reels

Raving, French anthropologist Jean-Claude Pommier (Pierce Brosnan) is carried into an emergency room where he manages to bite Dr. Eileen Flax (Lesley-Anne Down) before dying. Flax now has Pommier’s memories of the last week. She experiences his arrival in town with his wife, and his discovery of a vicious street gang that turns out to be made up of evil spirits.

Writer-director John McTiernan (who somehow managed to be responsible for both Die Hard and Rollerball 2002) creates a creepy movie of unknown evil all around us.  With an abundance of atmosphere, Nomads presents a world where most people don’t notice the darkness in their midst, and that’s why they live long lives.  Pommier, as an anthropologist, is too observant for his own good.  He knows there is something odd about the leather-clad punks that vandalized his garage and they notice him too.

The concept is frightening as are occasional scenes, but atmosphere is not enough and Normads has little else.  The real problem is Brosnen’s Pommier.  I don’t know French, nor do I know what a real French accent is like, but I do know that whatever Brosnen’s using isn’t it.  Pepé Le Pew sounds more like he comes from France.

Nomads asks us to care about Pommier, who brings all the trouble on himself.  Yes, I know he is a fanatic anthropologist, but why is he just studying this gang?  Wouldn’t any sane person call the police?  Pommier instead follows the punks around town with all the skill of Inspector Clouseau, making all kinds of noises, and squatting down behind a car directly across the street from them.  How could he not be seen?  In one of the dumbest scenes in any film, Pommier hides, watching, as the punks beat a man to death.  Then, when they lift the body to dump it in a garbage bin, Pommier leaps up and yells at them to stop.  Is that exactly a good time to accost a gang of killers?  Alone?  If he was going to be mindlessly courageous, perhaps he should have gone into action before they killed the guy.  I guess murder doesn’t bother him, but he’s not going to sit still for the unlicensed disposal of a body.  I never had any sympathy for Pommier, instead repeating “what an idiot” almost every time he appeared on screen.

The film fares much better when Flax and the wife are the intended victims, but that is too little, too late.

Little is explained of the nature and motivations of the spirits.  There are a few vague lines about Eskimo demons but not much else.  They are some kind of ghost/spirit mix (several, if not all, of the gang members were people who died unpleasantly), that only harm those who notice them, but multiple people see their van and nothing more happens to them.  It’s probably best that no information is given as I doubt it would make sense.

As if horrendous character development and an incoherent plot weren’t problematic enough, McTiernan adds in multiple, excruciatingly long, slow motion shots.  It doesn’t raise the tension level; it put me to sleep.

With all its flaws, I’m not recommending you avoid Nomads; the basic idea has value.  I just wish it had been used in a better film.

 Ghost Stories, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 111986
 
one reel

After nice-boy Jamie is murdered by road racing, teen, thugs, a mysterious teen (Charlie Sheen) appears in town, as well as a rubber-suited figure in a super car that can’t be destroyed. As the new teen strikes up a relationship with Keri (Sherilyn Fenn), the super car has fatal road races with the murderers until only their leader (Nick Cassavetes) is left.

Quick Review: A combo of High Plains Drifter and The CrowThe Wraith is either a ghost story or an alien resurrection story. If it’s a ghost story, ghosts are a lot more interested in rubber space suits than moaning and chains.  But they do still like mindless revenge, and it doesn’t get more mindless than this.  Why do the thugs keep racing the super car? Everyone who does dies. Doesn’t that mean you probably shouldn’t? And why does the super car race at all when it just kills the murderers by ramming them?  Why doesn’t it pop into town and run down all the bad guys on the first night? For that matter, why do none of the teens have parents?  Why are the police absolutely useless against a few moronic teens? Why does Charlie Sheen wear tons of makeup? And why did they cast Nick Cassavetes as a teen when he appears ten to fifteen years too old? The car races are poorly done, the music is ’80s tunes that couldn’t get radio play, the dialog is over-the-top serious, and the drama is unintentionally funny. There are a few brief topless scenes if that’s enough to excite you (if so, I can suggest a hundred better films with more).

 Ghost Stories, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 111986
 
five reels

Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is rescued and brought out of suspended animation fifty-seven years after the events of Alien. Since then, a colony has been established on the planet where the alien eggs were found. When contact is lost with the colonists, a group of space marines (Michael Biehn, Bill Paxton, William Hope, Jenette Goldstein, Al Matthews, Lance Henriksen), a company man (Paul Reiser), and Ripley, mount a rescue operation.

It took me a little time to accept Aliens. Ridley Scott’s Alien is a startling film, intelligent, exotic, and terrifying. I have only been frightened by three films, and Alien is one of them. So, When James Cameron decided to change the feel of the Alien franchise, to remove the fear and replace it with thrills, I wasn’t on board. Don’t mess with the best. Silly me.  One of the biggest problems with sequels is that they just give us what we’ve already been given. Cameron made a sequel the way it should be done: a new story, a new theme, mostly new characters, but continuity in style, world, and star. Aliens is as extreme as its prequel, but with a different focus.

For action fans, it doesn’t get better than this. It’s fast, it’s loud, and it’s non-stop. For the last hour of the film, there is barely time to breathe in the constant assault of gunfire, explosions, fire, and quick moving monsters.

With so many characters, Cameron cleverly uses recognizable, movie-marine templates (the wet-behind-the-ears officer, the bellowing sergeant, the butch female, the panicky private), but allows each actor to impart real personality into his stereotype. That makes these more than generic red-shirts. I know who is who when they die (or survive in rare instances), and I care. Paxton does the most with Private “We’re all going to die man!” Hudson but the cast is universally good. A real surprise is nine-year-old Carrie Henn who manages the least annoying child in film history. Sigourney Weaver was rightly nominated for an Academy Award for her multilayered performance; quite a feat considering how seldom genre work is noticed outside of effects categories.

There is little to complain about. A few plot elements seem odd or overly coincidental (the marines leave no one on the orbiting ship, the aliens appear again right after Ripley is found), but none that deserve more than a moment’s thought. The only thing that bugs me is that the aliens have become weaker in this second outing. Where the unstoppable creature in Alien survived the exhaust of a spaceship before drifting off, these new ones can be killed by a shotgun. Something of a comedown.

I first saw Aliens in ’86, in what is now called the “theatrical version.” Now, the more common version is a “special” or extended edition which adds seventeen minutes. Both are available on the newest DVD. Surprisingly, both films feel the same. The changes are substantial, but somehow do little to the pacing, action, or characters.  The additional character development moments are all nice, and I’m happy to have them, but don’t notice them when they are missing. The automatic sentry gun sequence is the best of the added scenes, giving yet another source of tension to an already tense film.  The biggest change is the inclusion of several scenes at the colony showing happy people, children, and Newt’s family finding a facehugger. It’s all unnecessary (we know what happens) and jolting as it shows us things before Ripley discovers them. If I could choose a version with the guns and without the thriving homesteaders, I would, but as is, I’m equally pleased with the available cuts.

The other films in the series are Alien (1979), Alien³ (1992), Alien: Resurrection (1997), AVP: Alien Vs. Predator (2004), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Prometheus (2012), Alien: Covenant (2017)

 Aliens, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 111986
 
two reels

A horde of fuzzy, little balls, with razor-sharp teeth, descend upon a small rural town, eating everything and everyone they meet. With the Brown family trapped in their home, things only get worse when intergalactic bounty hunters land.

Among killer hand-puppet films, Critters is one of the best. You didn’t even know there was a category of killer hand-puppet films? You have so much to learn (and you’ve missed so many bad movies). Following Gremlins, screens (and more often, video stores) were inundated by cute, cheaply made, toothy monsters. They came from outer space, from demonic realms, and from the far reaches of the Earth.  Most are horrible, but the fuzzball crites (or is it Krites?) are entertaining enough for a few hours.

After a reasonable low-budget opening at a deep space penal colony, Critters slows to a crawl as we are introduced to people who are either unpleasant or uninteresting. Dee Wallace-Stone, who must have an agreement that she gets first crack at all genre moms, is fine as Mrs. Brown, but the rest of the family I could have done without. Brad Brown (Scott Grimes) is a rotten, disobedient child, which would be fine if he was disobedient in an entertaining way. The father is a standard bumpkin, and the daughter has no personality except that she likes boys. All of them are better than the mentally challenged, drunken handyman. Add in horrible ’80s pop-rock, and I thought I was in for a rough ride. But things change once the aliens show up. The crites chew up a few people while the bounty hunters supply comedy by shape-changing into everyone they meet and using guns about ten times more destructive than they need.

Critters, once it gets started, is a remedy to the saccharin poison of films like E.T. Unfortunately, it pulls its punches. It should have been double-barreled nasty, but it plays it too close to the films it is parodying, letting a child be the hero, killing few (and no one important), and keeping blood to a minimum. Still, you just have to like those hand-puppets.

It was followed by Critter 2: The Main Course, Critter 3, and Critters 4.

 Aliens, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 101986
 
toxic

During a war between humans and the alien Drac, two pilots, human Willis Davidge (Dennis Quaid) and Drac Jeriba ‘Jerry’ Shigan (Louis Gossett Jr.) crash on a barren world.  The two enemies must work together to survive.

An embarrassment to science fiction, Enemy Mine starts as an after school special, switches to a weepy, and ends up as an incoherent action film. The first half of Enemy Mine is moving, interesting, and carries an important message, as long as you are five. For anyone older, this is pabulum. OK, it’s pabulum for everyone, but pabulum may be a good choice for a young child.

It starts with Quaid performing Davidge as Rock Rightman, Space Cowboy.  With wide eyes and woops, he fights for the American (make that human) way. Then he crashes his plastic ship on the papier-mâché rocks.  The Buck Rogers retro look could be charming in a light homage to early sci-fi serials; here it just looks fake. Once on the planet, Quaid shouts for the next thirty minutes. Now that’s character development! On the other hand, Gossett Jr. plays the alien Drac by wearing a rubber mask and gargling. Keep in mind, this is the high concept part of the film. You see, here is a meeting between a human and something completely different, a life form unlike our own, evolved on a different world, with a strange culture we couldn’t hope to understand. Delving deep into science fiction, the filmmakers managed a guy in a mask. Davidge and Jerry don’t end up overcoming their differences; instead, they find out that they don’t have any. Of course actually making the alien be…alien might confuse the young’ens that the film is force feeding its message to. In case you missed it, the message is “people of different races can get along.”  Gosh. Next week we will learn about cleaning our room.

Ah, but then the film changes course because we find out that Jerry is pregnant (that’s the big difference between his species and ours—they only have one gender). Yes, we get to see Louis Gossett Jr. with the I’m-with-child glow that ’40s films loved so. Sentimentality washes over everything as the man with the funny mask and the smug unshaven guy make gleeful plans for the blessed event. Forget science fiction. Forget a child’s morality play. Once Jerry is showing, Enemy Mine becomes the kind of “women’s picture” that they stopped making fifty years ago. As those were all tear-jerking melodramas, do I have to tell you what will happen?

Which brings me to the end (yes, I’m pretty deep in spoilers now, but think of this as a service to all of you who make the wise decision never to see this picture). Because someone (I’ve been told it was the studio) realized that nothing had happened for 90 minutes, suddenly, things happen. They make no sense, but they do happen. First, Davidge is shot dead. Dead. Not kind’a dead, or mostly dead. Not only does a bullet take him out, but he lays there for hours or days until his body is picked up, and determined to be a corpse. Then more time passes until he ends up on a funeral conveyor belt, and just as he’s going to be dumped into space, he wakes up. What miracle is this?  Some secret Drac technology he got from Jerry? Nope, he just wakes up. And that horse in the Godfather, it’s OK too.

His superiors think he might be a traitor, but they decide to let him roam around and have access to weapons and ships. So off he goes to fight some evil human miners who use Dracs as slaves. Luckily, Davidge is going after the worst slave operation in all of space. They have no security and nothing confining the Dracs except the slavers waving their fists. Why haven’t the Dracs rioted and killed all these morons?  I guess they were waiting for Cowboy Davidge. I won’t give away the exciting battle, but I do want to comment on the arrival of his friends. About ten minutes after he sets down, his two buddies show up in their government owned fighter rocket.  Ummmm. Did the government forget they were at war with the Drac? Or did these two spacemen swipe their ship as well (in which case government installations of the future need a lot of help).

Be it the ludicrous plot, the insipid pregnancy, the simplistic theme, the hackneyed dialog, or the ’50s TV show sets, there’s something for everyone to hate.

 Aliens, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 101986
 
2.5 reels

During WWII, three soldiers, The Sarge (Tim Thomerson), Mittens (Art LaFleur), and Joey (Timothy Van Patten), and a reporter (Biff Manard) are trapped behind enemy lines.  While trying to escape German troops, they find an alien rocket, and soon after, the alien, who is a prisoner of the Nazis.

An early film from producer Charles Band, who would go on to create Full Moon Pictures, Zone Troopers is a reunion for the previous year’s Trancers.  Back are actors Tim Thomerson, Art LaFleur, and Biff Manard, writers Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo (with Bilson taking over directing duties), producer Charles Band, and most of the crew.  And they made a very similar feeling film, if not quite as good.

Zone Troopers asks very little of the viewer but to sit back and enjoy.  It is a good example of what Full Moon would become famous for: fun movies that are more or less interchangeable.  Put it on some night with a few friends, and you’ll have a good time.  On the other hand, if you pick up a different Full Moon flick, that will do just as well (as long as it is one of the better ones).  I should note that this isn’t a Full Moon film, but was made when Band was running Empire Pictures.  A rose by any other name…

Zone Troopers is a comic homage to what we all vaguely remember WWII films being like, though I can’t find a single movie that actually fits the bill.  It has the tough sergeant who tends to mention the importance of duty whenever he can.  There’s the surly corporal who ends up in comic situations.  There’s the “gee, gosh, and golly” naive private who looks up to the sergeant as a father.  It’s all played out to big band music and there’s even a request to buy war bonds at the end of the credits.  The dialog is quick, witty, and nostalgic.  While I like that there’s an alien running around, the best parts of the film are when the soldiers trade lines.

I always enjoy the quirky Thomerson (who has a real gift for comedy) and LaFleur (who played the Tooth Fairy in The Santa Clause 2), but it is Van Patten who steals the show.  He plays a stereotype, and still makes it feel fresh.

This is a film I won’t think about, but enjoyed while it was playing.

 Aliens, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 091986
 
one reel

A disturbed ex-nun (Diana Scarwid) and a musician (Jeff Fahey) find themselves at the Bates Hotel where Norman (Anthony Perkins) is still having problems with his mother.  Norman is attracted to the ex-nun, who reminds him of the girl “mother” killed twenty-two years earlier.  While the musician and a reporter try to dig up a story, people start to die.

Quick Review: Ignoring that this is in any way connected to the horror classic, Psycho, (the comparison would crush it without further comment) and taking it for what it is, it still fails.  It had possibilities.  The relationship between Norman and the ex-nun had depth, and considering they were both loony, opened up vistas of slashing fun, none of which was seen.  The repeated use of religious icons also appeared to be going somewhere interesting, but stopped short.  Instead, we get meaningless Slasher deaths (the victims are hardly identified), a ludicrous voiceover from the musician at the beginning of the film (but in no other parts), characters acting in only the stupidest ways (if you know someone is a multiple murderer, would you threaten him in an enclosed area, alone, without a weapon?) and an ending that makes the film pointless.

 Reviews, Slashers Tagged with:
Oct 091986
 
two reels

FBI agent Will Graham (William Petersen) tracks a serial killer with the help of the insights from the dangerous psychopath, Dr. Hannibal Lecktor (Brian Cox).

Quick Review: Novelist Thomas Harris wrote essentially the same story twice. In both Red Dragon and Silence of the Lambs, a brilliant but flawed FBI agent must find an insane killer. The crimes are so extreme that all methods must be used, no matter how bizarre, so the FBI agent goes to the brilliant Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lecktor who is locked away for life (my spelling of “Lecktor” is correct; it was changed to Lecter for the later films). In order to get his help, the agent must share part of his life with Lecktor, who is manipulating everyone around him. Manhunter, a version of Red Dragon, does an adequate job of putting the story on the screen. Petersen, now best know for the TV series CSI, appears properly troubled, and Cox is acceptable as a brilliant nut-job. But how many times do you need to see this story? Once really is enough. Twice if you’re obsessive. But not three times, and the other two (The Silence of the Lambs—1991, Red Dragon—2002) are better.

 Reviews, Slashers Tagged with:
Oct 091986
 
two reels

Three college girls, Jennifer, Vivia, and Phoebe (Joanna Johnson, Sherry Willis-Burch, and Elaine Wilkes), are pledging a sorority together and going through the normal hazing rituals, the last of which puts them in a spooky house where a pledge was killed years ago.  It looks like things are going smoothly, but Jennifer is afraid they have awakened an evil presence and fears the upcoming April Fool’s party that is taking place in that same house.

The theme here is unfulfilled expectations.  Killer Party starts with undead horror at a funeral, but that turns out to be a fake, just a movie being watched by some ‘50s era teens.  Soon, zombies attack and…oh wait, that’s just a music video.  Finally, the story begins, following the activities of three pledges in a sorority sex-comedy. Of course that means flesh, so frat boys show up with a jar of bees to get the naked girls to leap out of a hot tub and run around, and the girls do…with towels wrapped around them.  Later, one of the pledges is told to grab her ankles so she can be spanked, and then…she isn’t.  Sex comedies also have superficial romances which are setup in Killer Party, but then tossed aside as the film switches to Slasher mode.  First there are a series of bloody killings, which are all April Fools jokes and everyone is really OK.  Then the serious killing begins, and that means blood and gore.  Actually, it doesn’t as almost all the killings take place off screen.  The Slasher story has no climax as the movie switches once again, this time to a demonic possession film, with full Exorcist-style growling and drooling.

The whole film is a very successful tease, one long April Fools joke.  And if I jab myself in the hand with a fork, I will be very successful at causing myself pain.  Sometimes, success isn’t a good thing.  Being taunted for an hour and half isn’t a lot of fun.  It might kill the point, but the film needed to deliver.

Looking at Killer Party as a joke (it has an alternate title of The April Fool) is the only way to explain the inappropriate, peppy ‘80s song which chimes in with the lyrics “These are the best times of our life, these are the best times” when all that’s left are corpses, pain, and a demon.

Not that Killer Party is a bad flick, by Slasher standards.  I found nothing to complain about in the cinematography, sound, or acting.  The always-funny Paul Bartel shows up as a college professor, inserting some humor into the sex comedy segment.  And Joanna Johnson manages to turn some questionable material into something worth seeing (but I’m afraid you’ll have to watch to see what that is as it is late in the film).

 Reviews, Slashers Tagged with:
Oct 091986
 
two reels

Jim Halsey (C. Thomas Howell) picks up a murderous hitchhiker, John Ryder (Rutger Hauer), on a cross country drive. While he manages to toss him out of the car, the hitchhiker follows him, killing people and pinning it on Halsey. Only Nash (Jennifer Jason Leigh), a roadside waitress, believes him.

There’s a reason why short films exist. Sometimes, you have one point and just enough plot to support it, so a nice 20-minutes movie will do. And there lies the problem with The Hitcher, it’s a short film that goes on way too long. To fill up that time, writer Eric Red elongates scenes that should have gone much quicker, and sticks in one improbable event after another.  Most involve Ryder appearing in places he shouldn’t and doing things he couldn’t. The silliest of these is shooting down a helicopter with a pistol from a pickup driving over rough ground (and the helicopter falls on the road precisely in front of the police cars so they can all crash), but Ryder’s magical appearance in a truck next to the police car that is holding Halsey and then in Halsey’s motel room are far more destructive to the story. The tension that was palpable at the beginning, when a psycho that you could meet on an empty road sat menacingly next to an everyman, is drained away when it all becomes a fantasy. In another prime unbelievable scene, Halsey tries to warn a family about the murderer in the back seat of their station wagon (with their two kids) by speeding up to them on the wrong side of the road, honking his horn, yelling, and swerving. Is there any reason to do that besides as a plot device? Why do things to make the killer act? How about going to the nearest phone and calling the police?

As for the acting, Howell is not up to the role, and Leigh isn’t given enough of a part for it to matter. The police are clichéd movie cops, so again, acting doesn’t matter. But Hauer elevates what could have been a total loss. His charismatic maniac is creepier than Slasher mainstays Jason, Michael, and Freddy, and Hauer does it all with a smile and a few gestures (how can he make an almost loving facial caress so psychotic?). This could have been a short, realistic thriller or an urban legend nightmare, but due to an erratic script, it’s neither.

 Reviews, Slashers Tagged with:
Oct 091986
 
two reels

Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews) attempts to mutilate the body of Jason, but accidentally reanimates him when lightening strikes. Jason heads to the old campgrounds to kill anyone there while Tommy warns the police. But no one will believe him except the sheriff’s daughter, Megan (Jennifer Cooke), who is a councilor at the newly reopened camp. It is up to the two of them to stop Jason.

So, now Jason’s a zombie. At least that makes some kind of sense (although reanimating dead psychotics is a bit easy). Why is he stronger than any mortal and able to withstand almost anything? Because he’s a zombie. OK, I can work with that.

Part VI is the same old story, but with a new tone. It is noticeably lighter than its predecessors with actual jokes. And ten years before critics fell over themselves praising the post-modern Scream, this film already had all those self-referential qualities. When a girl driving down the road suddenly stops, we get this exchange:

Girl: “We better turn around”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

(Jason is shown standing in the road)

Girl: “Because I’ve seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask isn’t friendly.”

Or better still, the gravedigger, remarking on Jarvis’s opening of Jason’s grave, but really talking to the audience about the film:

“Why’d they have to dig up Jason. Some people have a strange idea of entertainment.”

They do indeed.

Part VI also introduces the radical idea of kids at the camp.  For the first time, the camp has a purpose. And the children aren’t used for annoying “cute” scenes. They raise the tension and have a few good lines without getting in the way.

Megan is a surprisingly sympathetic and strong character for a Friday the 13th film.  She takes action, is slightly smarter than everyone else (which isn’t saying she’s smart), and shows signs of normal emotions. The film does teach me that girls really go for guys who rant about legendary killers. That must be considered really hot as Megan is attracted to Tommy as soon as she sees him, and she doesn’t let anything like suspicion of murder detour her from getting close to this unknown male. I never realized how charming apparent insanity is to girls, much less the whole felon thing. There’s no other reason for her to like Tommy as he is devoid of humor and the ability to speak in conversational tones. He brings nothing to the film either, and Mathews gives the role the dullness it deserves.

For a film about Jason killing people, there is way too much time spent on the sheriff hunting Tommy. He may not know that Jason is back, but we do, so it’s obvious that these scenes can lead nowhere.

I’m also uncertain when Tommy became an expert on the occult. He grabs a few books and suddenly he knows how to kill Jason. Those must be great books. But then Jason is no threat around Tommy anyway. He breaks through doors, rips a girl’s head off in a few seconds, and slices through three people’s necks at once. But when he gets his hands on Tommy, he takes forever to do anything. The same is true of Megan, who the mighty Jason can’t even hold underwater. Considering his strength in the rest of the film, Jason turns out to be a real wimp.

Friday the 13th Part VI is nowhere close to being a good film, but for this series, it’s reasonably entertaining. There’s no frights, but then Jason was never scary. The gore is a bit light (though if more of the murders were shown, it would be pretty extreme), and it is missing any nudity, which is a mistake in a film going for mindless thrills. Luckily, humor counts for a lot.

 Reviews, Slashers Tagged with:
Oct 081986
 
one reel

Beauty didn’t kill the beast, she only broke his heart.  After a year in a coma, grumpy, ape-heart surgeon Amy Franklin (Linda Hamilton) is ready to replace King Kong’s damaged pump with an artificial one, but needs plasma.  Coincidently, adventurer Hank Mitchell (Brian Kerwin) finds a giant female gorilla in Borneo, and soon the recuperating Kong and Lady Kong have run off into the Georgia woods.  The military, led by ape-hating Col. Nevitt, chase after, as does Hank and Amy, because it wouldn’t be much of a movie if they didn’t.

“Only one thing can save Kong…a miracle,” says Doctor Franklin, expert in giant mechanical hearts and animal behavior.  Not exactly the statement you want from your doctor.  But she’s wrong.  Even a miracle couldn’t do it.  It just wasn’t in the script.

Dino De Laurentiis’s 1976 remake of King Kong is generally referred to as an artistic and financial failure, but it actually made money, enough money to justify this uneven and unnecessary sequel.  In case you missed the ’76 film, it was also unnecessary, on that special level shared by the remake of Psycho.  It had few moments worth seeing, and most of those were related to Jessica Lange.  The majority of its changes warred between the absurd and the pointless.  But it had the good graces not to change the ending.  Kong was dead, a big hairy corpse on the pavement of New York.  He’d been shot more times than I can count and plummeted from the top of the World Trade Center.  That’s a flattened gorilla.

So, if you’re going to make a movie where the great ape only had a flesh wound, then you really ought to understand you’ve entered the realm of the ridiculous, and go for some laughs.  And so they did, sometimes.  At other times, the tale of the not-quite-dead-yet Kong is presented with the solemness of a church service.  Perhaps there was a disconnect between the writers and director.  Ronald Shusett (best known for the story for Alien) and Steven Pressfield (best known for writing…ummm, well, I guess this) filled their script with ludicrous gags.  I can’t see how it could be interpreted as anything but a spoof.  Open heart surgery with a giant pizza cutter.  Bulldozers used to calm an agitated forty foot monster.  Natives with blowguns suddenly jumping out of the bushes and taking down Lady Kong, but later machine guns do nothing.  A cigar chomping military officer, who, for no explained reason, is willing to disregard orders, even from the Secretary of Defense, just so he can hurt the giant creatures.  Backwater hicks who wan’na hunt’dem some big ape.  And of course, monkey lovin’.  This is funny stuff.

But director John Guillermin didn’t see it that way.  Perhaps working on King Kong had broken his spirit, and he was now perpetually confused.  Whatever the cause, he set a serious tone, thinking he was making a inspirational, romantic, adventure film…with two men in furry suits.  Can you think of anything less romantic?  Time after time, comedy situations are presented as deeply meaningful.  Apparently I am supposed to be touched by gorilla courtship (which includes sly smiles, deep gazes, the old yawn trick, and Kong lifting Lady Kong like Scarlet O’Hara) and moved to tears at the wonder of the birth of Baby Kong (another guy in a furry costume).

I had lots of time to think while not being entertained by King Kong Lives.  I thought about the career of Linda Hamilton, and that perhaps she only makes good films if they also star Arnold Schwarzenegger (which is odd any way you look at it).  I also thought about the geography of the Atlanta area.  Both Dr. Amy, the giant monster surgeon of the Atlanta Institute, and I, live in Georgia.  For those of you who don’t realize there’s a lower right portion of the United States, Atlanta is a metropolitan area, a good hour’s worth of speeding up the interstate from the foothills of some not too overwhelming mountains.  So, think as I might, I couldn’t map out a location where tall mountains, deep ravines, and wet lands (filled with alligators) come within a humongous gorilla-jog of the city.  Do I expect filmmakers to be familiar with Northern Georgia?  Nope.  It’s just strange.  Since the scenery looks like Tennessee, and the movie was shot in Tennessee, I can’t come up with a good reason not to say it’s taking place in Tennessee.   Strange.  Oh, it’s not as strange as natives using blow guns with darts that expand to several yards when striking Lady Kong, but strange none the less.

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