Foster on Film

Nominees for Worst Feature Film

• Hercules
• Left Behind
• Noah
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Winner)
• Transformers: Age of Extinction

 

Nominees for Most Painful Performance

• Johnny Depp as Napping Guy in Transcendence
• Kelsey Grammer as Guy Just Getting a Paycheck in Transformers: Age of Extinction
• Mark Wahlberg as Overacting Abusive Father in Transformers: Age of Extinction
• Megan Fox as Drunk & Confused Gal in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Winner)
• Nicolas Cage as Under-acting Nicolas Cage in Left Behind

 

Nominees for Most Ridiculous Time Filler

• Godzilla – The human soldier does…things
• The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies – No, really, another orc getting stabbed
• The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies – Every other frame
• Interstellar – Earth
• Noah – Let’s kill the grandchildren (Winner)
• Transformers: Age of Extinction – Every scene with Mark Wahlberg

 

Nominees for Most Egregious Exposition

• Dracula Untold – Voice over
• The Giver – Voice over
• Interstellar – Explanatory speeches masquerading as dialog. (Winner)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Turtles explaining the story
• Noah – Recap of The Bible

 

Nominees for Most Disappointing

• Godzilla
• The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
• Interstellar (Winner)
• The One I Love
• The Tale of Princess Kaguya

 

Nominees for Best Song/Use of a Song

• Come and Get Your Love – Guardians of the Galaxy
• Everything Is Awesome – The Lego Movie
• The Hanging Tree – The Hunger Games
• Little Boxes – The Boxtrolls
• Once Upon a Dream – Maleficent (Winner)

 

Nominees for Best Screenplay

• Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Winner)
•  Edge of Tomorrow
• Guardians of the Galaxy
• The Lego Movie
• Predestination

 

Nominees for Best Character Creation

• Beauty and the Beast – The Beast
• Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – Caesar/the apes
• Guardians of the Galaxy – Rocket
• The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies – Bilbo/Thorin/Tauriel
• Maleficent – Maleficent (Winner)

 

Nominees for Best Animated Feature Film

• Big Hero 6
• The Boxtrolls
• How to Train Your Dragon 2
• The Lego Movie (Winner)
• Penguins of Madagascar

 

Nominees for Best Feature Film

• Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Winner)
• Guardians of the Galaxy
• Maleficent
• Predestination
• X-Men: Days of Future Past

Once a metaphor for Blacks in America, and now often seen as a commentary of how the LGBT community is treated, the X-Men have always meant a bit more than other comic book characters.

The X-Men film franchise has, at times, been more successful with its political statements than the comics, but at other times it misses the mark entirely. It seems like it is always about to fall down, but it staggers on. Sometimes it walks proudly for a bit, but then it returns to staggering. X-Men films tend to have glaring flaws, but they avoid the depths to which other superhero franchises have plummeted. None of them are horrible, which is rare for a series, though some are certainly weaker. None of them are even bad (though they’ve pushed that since I first posted this list). At worst, they are fun, if stupid. The best, if not perfect, are some of the best fantasy action films made. So, starting at the bottom:

 

#12. X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)

Dark Phoneix is empty. It isn’t bad; it’s just tired. It’s as if everyone trudged to work each day, moaning softly and longing for bed. There’s a lot of CGI that’s technically well done, but lacking in imagination, just as the story is lacking in heart. I can’t recall another film that screamed out so loudly that no one wanted to be there. I’m not saying that Dark Phoenix is depressing. There needs to be life for depression. Dark Phoenix doesn’t live. It exists, and there is no sign that anyone who made it cares. This is how a franchise fades away. [Full Review] (Don’t bother watching it)

 

#11. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

It’s fun, in a cheap Saturday afternoon way. The fights are OK, the character development less so, and the plot limps, but nothing is too troublesome if your expectations are kept low. Hugh Jackman has charisma to burn and can easily front an action picture, even when he isn’t given the help should have been given from the script. It’s over-serious, an issue with many X-Men films, but it is happy to toss out the tone in order to get another big action scene in.

If you’re a comic book purist, this isn’t for you. (Catch it on TV)

 

#10. The Wolverine (2013)

Less cheese than its predecessor, but incredibly forgettable, The Wolverine is an odd combination of two movies that don’t belong together. One is the story of a power struggle in a tradition-bound and crime-connected Japanese family (this could have made a good film sans Western influences), and the other is the tale of an immortal being given the opportunity to die. The second is underdeveloped, but the combat’s pretty good. Again, Jackman is a plus, but it is hard for even him to hold things together in the sections of the film where it clearly should have been a Japanese gangster character and not Wolverine running around. (Catch it on TV)

 

#9. Deadpool 2 (2018)

They killed Vanessa, which rips the heart out of the franchise. Without her, and the romance structure she allowed, the story becomes a typical X-Men film, dwelling on moving on from tragedy and creating a surrogate family, except X-Men films try to say something, and this says nothing. Which leaves the jokes, and there are a lot of great ones, mostly connected to X-Force and Domino. Many of the rest of the gags we’ve seen and heard before and they are less funny the second time around, while T.J. Miller has worn out his welcome entirely. And we spend a lot of time with child abuse and grieving and that leaves less time for humor.

Deadpool 2 isn’t a bad film, but it’s a disappointing one. [Full Review] (Rent it, with a coupon)

 

#8. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

It should have been better. The focus on Wolverine is out of place with the two main plots (Jean as the Phoenix and a “cure” for mutations), but then neither plot gets the attention needed. The lack of imagination of the X-Men/Brotherhood stands out. I shouldn’t be able to come up with 6 or 7 better ways to use their powers than they can. It makes for a pretty stupid group of protagonists. Last Stand isn’t a bad movie as much as it is a frustrating one. Important characters get killed for no reason, and sometimes off screen. Other characters make choices that no one would ever make.

And for a series where the fundamental metaphor is the difficulties faced by marginalized groups, it is hard to handle Storm’s speech on being proud of who you are. She’s a privileged goddess. It’s easy to be different when you are more powerful than everyone. Much harder when you can’t have physical contact. Don’t look for insight here. (Rent it)

 

#7. X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Again, it should have been better. Enjoyable, but really, really dim. With such a stellar cast, this was about as weak a movie as they could have made. The general story is good, if old hat (even the comic book was when I read it 20+ years ago), but the actions of the characters are so mindbogglingly stupid it is hard not to be ripped out of the movie. Hmmm. So, there was no other way that a psychic, a genius with super strength and agility, and an immortal could disrupt a press conference or cancel the sentinel program… Really?

With both the young and old gang all here, it is hard not to have fun if you have any affection for the previous films. The Rogue Cut, available for home viewing though never in the theaters, adds back the cut scene of the mutant Rogue, and is a slightly better film. (Matinee)

 

#6. X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

This is the split between the good films and the ones that scrape by. Apocalypse has far fewer of the flaws of its predecessor, that is, the characters here generally behave in ways that don’t stand out as stupid. Generally. And it does a good job with emotional depth and big action moments.

What’s not so good is its clip-show feeling. Over and over we are shown things we’ve seen before. “Hey, people liked Quicksilver running in slow motion while listening to a tune. Let’s do that again exactly like last time.” We get taken to places solely so we can dwell on how we’ve been there before. We see people we’ve seen before doing things we’ve seen them do before merely so we can remember what we’ve already seen. The worst offense is a trip back to the Weapon X facility to visit Wolverine and Striker. It has no reason to be in the film and stops the story dead.

With all the reminiscing, the main story gets short shrift. We barely learn about Apocalypse, and his “Four Horseman” mainly just hang around.

And if you liked the first movies, too bad. Not only has X-Men 3 been retconned out of existence, but so have all of the Stewart/McKellen films. (Matinee)

 

#5. Logan (2017)

It’s strange to watch a superhero film that isn’t adventure, but instead is a combination of indie drama and ‘50s western. We get themes of aging, parental responsibility, and the pain of everyday life along with the vanishing of the old “gunslinger.” The parts fit a bit uncomfortably together (real life trials of taking care of an elderly parent with dementia don’t go with fantastical views of evil super scientists).

On the plus side, the combat is savage, as it should be, and always has an emotional center. Every slash, gunshot, scream, and death means something. Logan digs into despair, but it earns it. Paradoxically, it is also hopeful.

Logan has something to say, but it isn’t edgy philosophy and the cost to deliver its bleak message is that it isn’t much fun to watch. It is well made, with excellent acting from Jackman, Stewart, and particularly Dafne Keen as the daughter, and it is a good send off for a couple of characters, but I doubt I’ll be watching it again soon. [Full Review] (Matinee)

 

#4. X-Men (2000)

Brian Singer breathed life into the superhero genre with this generally well-rounded flick. Personality is more important than powers (as it should be), with Hugh Jackman and Ian McKellen at the heart of things. The metaphor is strong, the characters matter, and the film never takes itself too seriously while also avoiding the campiness of the later Superman and Batman films. (See it)

 

#3. X2: X-Men United (2003)

It’s 2000’s X-Men, but better.  Everybody is comfortable in their roles, good and evil are properly mixed up, and the FX set pieces are all you could ask for. Everything is a notch up. The Nightcrawler attack is one of the best action moments ever filmed.

What really elevates the film is Magneto. X-Men films work best when he isn’t cast as a pure villain. His views are as valid as Charles’s—just crueler and less naive. I was cheering him on as much as Wolverine or Storm. It’s hard to argue against Mystique’s reason for not hiding how she is different when she so easily could: “Because we shouldn’t have to.” That ambiguity makes X2 much more than a summer action flick. (See it; Own it)

 

#2. Deadpool (2016)

It broke every rule of superhero filmmaking, shredded the genre, and it all works. With a fraction of the budget of other action films, Deadpool delivers laughs and violence. Sure, the snark is fun, but what makes it all work is heart. Deadpool is by far the most romantic X-Men film, and probably the most romantic superhero film. He’s not trying to save the world (we’ve seen that enough); he just wants to get back to his girl. Everything matters because that matters.

The lesson to be learned is that superhero films don’t have to be whiny. They can be fun, and still matter. Unfortunately, the lesson Hollywood seems to have taken is that people like gore so we’ll be getting an R-rated Batman v Superman on video. Oh well. (See it; Own it)

 

#1. X-Men: First Class (2011)

The franchise looked dead after Last Stand, but First Class got it back on its feet. This prequel did the unthinkable: found a superior Professor X and Magneto than Stewart and McKellen. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender are superb and their characters are compelling. Plus, Keven Bacon is a surprisingly good villain.

The metaphor has never been presented better, but where First Class really sings is in its tone, which perfectly balances action, tragedy, and humor.  (See it; Own it)

Overrated does not mean bad. That’s obvious, but I feel I need to point that out to save myself from hate-filled emails. None of these would five would fit on my worst of 2012 list. There are things so much worse. These films are watchable, but have garnered far more praise than they deserve.

#5 Ted

The story of a man-child, his nearly perfect hot girlfriend, and his crude living teddy bear supplies a reasonable number of laughs, and shines when compared to most of 2012’s lame crop of comedies. However, when it popped up on multiple critics’ top ten lists, the world went out of whack. Seth MacFarlane, the mind and voice behind TV’s Family Guy, brings his edgy, twisted, animated-comedy sensibilities to the big screen, and nothing more. Actually he brings a little less as Ted is about the level of his lesser, but still funny American Dad. Here was a chance for him to go wild, and he didn’t. Half the episodes in any season of Family Guy are smarter, more transgressive, and just funnier, and they play four or five times a night on cable. Ted is fine viewing, but nothing special.

#4 The Dark Knight Rises

This tale of revenge and regeneration is the most interesting of Nolan’s trilogy, and one of the most interesting films of the year, but interesting does not mean good. On the plus side, the many (many, many) political references could keep you in water cooler conversations for months. Add in some middling action and a sexy Cat Woman and we’ve get a moderately entertaining superhero movie.
On the minus side, like Nolan’s previous entries, it wears its self-importance like a badge of honor. But The Dark Knight Rises brings along a new set of flaws that ripped me out of the film: so many flaws in so many different areas. There are flaws in medicine (broken backs heal with rope and pulleys), psychology (depressed shut-in becomes extroverted again when a girl pops in), time & space (travel to and from distant deserts is timeless), senses (no secret identity is safe from orphan-eyes), action (an army of police run down a long street toward an army of henchmen and no one uses a hand gun), banking (the Fed would never just let the stock trading go through), criminology (the inmates of hell hole prisons are the nicest people), police practices (every policeman in Gotham goes under the city), verisimilitude (the cinematography paints a realistic world, but in-flight CIA plane gobbling is not realistic), pacing (let’s see some trucks drive around…again), mystery (did anyone not know the “secret” villain?), climax (truck crash; I’ll say no more), and many more. If you can suspend your disbelief for The Dark Knight Rises‘s overlong running time then you have superhuman gating abilities.

#3 Holy Motors

Mainstream critics love to praise a foreign-language film they don’t understand and no one understands Holy Motors. The real fun is not watching the movie, but reading reviews where the author tries so very hard to say something sensible, and fails. “It’s about voyeurism” they cry, and no doubt they are correct, but what about voyeurism they cannot say. “It implies that life is a show,” and again they are right, though Shakespeare said a great deal more in a single line.
The story follows a man who travels around town in a limo, going from “appointment” to “appointment” where each appointment consists of him transforming himself into a different person and living for a time as that person. This is interesting for a time and occasionally comical, though I found myself laughing at it more often than with it. By the halfway point, the routine had gotten old and I was left feeling that any theme could have been presented in a short film. By the time the chimps show up… Well, maybe this would be a great film if you were really high.

#2 Beasts of the Southern Wild

Critics affection for obtuse foreign fare is nothing next to their love of little indie fantasy films where all of the fantastic elements can be written off as a dream. It saves them from admitting to liking fantastic fiction while allowing them to give a nod to the genre. Toss in a condescending look at the impoverished and a spunky child and it is orgasm time.
The child here is indeed spunky, and good enough that her Academy Award nom is not an embarrassment. The directing and story do not stand up so well as it is a surprisingly ugly film that meanders here and there. Hey, it’s about a young girl’s bravery and world view during tough times, so why bother with a plot? (Yes, you should be able to answer that question.) Giant boars do pop up from time to time, ushered in by a storm that is half Katrina, half the apocalypse, and all metaphor. It is an hour and a half of boredom and pretension, wrapped with an uncomfortable poverty porn bow. The child deserved better.

#1 Looper

Beware science fiction films labelled as smart, as they rarely are, and never have anything else to offer. Looper is this year’s go to film for critics who don’t read. The basic story is incredibly straightforward. Two gunmen must face each other, with one trying to protect a child so that the kid won’t grow up with a bad childhood the way he had. The “complexity” comes from one gunman being the future version of the other who’s traveled back in time. Of course this brings up the grandfather paradox, which was old for any reader of SF by 1930. So how does this smart 2012 movie deal with this problem, a problem that is extremely important to the structure of the film, and to the characters’ choices? It doesn’t. Instead Bruce Willis’s old gunman says he’s not going to explain any of that time travel shit, and that’s it. After that, the film does whatever it wants and ignores rules. That can be OK in an action flick, but most of the action here involves looking at farm fields. If you like your sci-fii to be adventure low but farm house high, you are in luck. Looper is slow, unengaging, and as dumb as one of the posts that farmhouse no doubt uses.