Dec 312014
  December 31, 2014

Time to say farewell to 2014, and may it rot in Hell.

It is the year in which Eugie suffered and died, and left me alone, missing half of myself. It also took Baku, so I would lack his comfort. It was a year I would have ended if I could. On September 27th, I would have burned the world if I’d had the power. I wouldn’t do that now, though I still wish it had happened.

2014 is the worst year that has ever been, yet, it was a better year than all those that will follow it. After all, it was the last year that had Eugie. While it was an unpleasant year for her in general, she existed, she accomplished things, and she did occasionally enjoy herself. It is strange to look back at days on the oncology transplant floor of the hospital fondly, but I do now. We talked and laughed, and watched movies on her laptop snuggled together on her hospital bed. Similarly I think of shopping for wigs while singing Christmas carols in the car (neither of us could sing, but we didn’t care), or me getting her popsicle after popsicle at home between watching The Avengers and playing with Baku. Even when she was so very sick, we had fun…sometimes. So I have those memories to go with the pain. That’s not enough to change my view of the year. 2014 was a fucking scumball of a year.

But I do not welcome 2015; it has nothing to offer.

Dec 052014
  December 5, 2014

Went into the SS Administration office today. It took over two months to get an appointment. I had to go in to fill out forms and to get Eugie’s $255 death benefit. I suppose that was enough for a burial in the 1930s and they’ve never changed it.  Seems like the sort of thing to do online. The woman was very nice. She did ask a lot of questions about Katie which I wasn’t prepared for. Hadn’t thought to bring in a second set of birth and death certificates. Didn’t really make any difference. They’ll send me the $255 in a week or so.

Having to do that, talking about Eugie, that wasn’t uncomfortable. But the car ride there and back were. I’ve been focusing on some work related to her writing, and that’s kept my mind occupied. With the drive, with nothing else to distract me, that’s when I fell apart. Guess I need teleporters. Now back to work. Free time is not my friend.