Mar 062016
 
one reel

The evil stereotype Shredder is broken out of jail while in the care of the guy from Arrow (Stephen Amell). Naturally, he puts on a hockey mask and beats up people with his hockey stick to redeem himself. This leads him to April O’Neil (Megan Fox) and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (some guys…who cares). Shredder has made a deal with an extraterrestrial…for some reason…to help bring through an alien killing machine. And the Turtles, they need to argue whenever possible while the guy with the hockey mask and April disappear from the film. Also, Laura Linney is slumming it for a paycheck. And Tyler Perry shows up as an evil scientist because casting doesn’t matter in a movie like this.

Megan Fox is hot. She looks really good in that plaid miniskirt.

Ummmm…

Oh, that Elvis song, “A Little Less Conversation”—that’s a good song. And there’s a couple ‘70s songs that are nice.

OK, I’m out. That’s everything good about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, a cesspool of a sequel to the soul-sucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014). It is always too loud, too flashy, and far too empty. Who asked for this sequel? If I was looking for theme in this cacophony, I’d probably go with White Supremacy (Turtle/White power! Avoid Asians and Blacks!), but really the only meaning here is meta: Loud things make money from dim people and young children.

The plot doesn’t matter, including to the filmmakers who spent their time having the Turtles grouse while surrounded by swirling animated objects, and programming generic and surprisingly dull fight scenes. I can’t really condemn the voice actors as they had nothing to work with, certainly not clever dialog or a plot. The human actors are little better than the CGI ones. When Megan Fox is the top thespian in a film… I’ll just let that thought trail off.

The effects, and this film is 90% computer generated, are no doubt a technical achievement, but not one that’s enjoyable to watch. I’ve seen a mountain of films this year that went nuts on the CGI and were breathtaking to behold. Not here. This film is ugly, with every shot crudely overstuffed. Art direction is a foreign concept, replaced by some guy yelling, “Hey, can we sticks somethin’ purple into this shot ‘cause I sees every color but purple heres.” This Michael Bay production is as artistically bankrupt as all of his projects, but lacks his dubious skills, with the director’s seat taken by Dave Green. Haven’t heard of Dave Green? That’s OK.