Oct 051983
1.5 reels

In the far future, blond caveman Yor (Reb Brown) rescues an old man and a beautiful girl (Corinne Clery) from a dinosaur.  Returning with them to their cave, Yor learns of a mysterious woman who wears a medallion like his.  So they set off to find this woman, and uncover his past.  But his quest is a difficult one for the world is filled with blue-skinned savages, giant lizards, cultists, and killer androids.

There was a time, gentle reader, when manly, blond, cavemen with greased bodies and good hygiene were not afraid to fight stegoceratopses (yeah, that’s what you get when you crossbreed your dinosaurs) and wear little-girl wigs.  And that time is THE FUTURE!!  Well, the future as seen by Italian schlock director Antonio Margheriti, who gave us the groovy, 60s space operas Wild, Wild Planet, The War of the Planets, War Between the Planets, and The Snow Devils.  Having been so…successful…with his sci-fi vision then, he returns to the genre with a dollar fifty budget (in lira; you’ll have to do the conversion yourself), talentless actors, and an understanding that he wasn’t making great art.

Reb Brown stars as Yor, caveman from California.  Brown, who stared in such projects as the TV version of Captain America and Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf, brings the same sort of artistry to this project that he displayed in those other classics.  That is to say, he’s in pretty good shape and can jump about.  But here, he does it in a loin cloth.  If you’re looking for a film with a blond guy in a loincloth and a bad wig, this is your movie, particularly if that is your only criteria.

To go with those flashing male thighs, you get several hot babes (don’t get too excited; this is a family caveman movie), and a lot of guys whose makeup consists of excess body hair and blue shoe polish.  I have no idea why the barbarians have blue shoe polish on their faces, but then I’m still working on Brown’s wig.  Still, they look better than the fearsome “dinosaurs” that would be at home on cable access.

Eventually, genetically superior caveman Yor (yup, it turns out this Arian has perfect genes, making him better than the dark haired Europeans he meets and…hmmmm; is there a hidden message here?) finds his tribe of blonds, and not only are they all fit and trim, but they still know how to run an electric coffee maker.  Unfortunately for them, someone named their child Overlord, which is always a bad idea.  Naturally, Overlord grew up to be an oppressive dictator (I’m guessing parental pressure is at fault).  He also decided to dress like the emperor from Star Wars.  That at least makes sense as he’s made an army of androids that look like Darth Vader (OK, they don’t exactly look like Vader, but rather as close as overextended credit at the corner costume shop will allow).  Naturally, Yor is going to do some bashing on those laser-wielding robots.  Good thing they are as accurate as storm troopers.

For an exploitation picture without any exploitation, Yor is pretty silly entertainment.  If you are looking for a bad movie, you’ll have a lot more fun with this one than with Battlefield Earth (or Lost in Translation).  But don’t look too hard for it.