Geeking Out: 5E, Patching Ritual Spells

May 272020
  May 27, 2020

If you just want to see what spells I added the tag to, scroll past these first few paragraphs.

5e ritual casting is…troubled. The biggest problem is just that it looks like a slapped on patch when they saw they had some game design problems instead of an actual feature in itself. You don’t add a whole magic system for like 10 spells. OK, it’s more than 10, but it isn’t many and since they are class specific, it’s around 13 for Bards, Druids, and Clerics 7 for Artifices (who I won’t discuss as they add nothing to the conversation) and for Sorcerers it’s 4… FOUR!). And since it is an extra system in the game, there should be ritual-only spells—but that’s an issue for another day. Fixing it properly would require a re-write, so I’ll follow the game designers lead and just patch it.

So, to patch it, it’s good to decide what the purpose of rituals are in the game design. For me, I say the purposes are:

A – As the game is quite strategic, spell casters are often forced to take only combat spells and save slots for combat. Rituals mitigate this.

B – Expand the role of some spells. Allow for clever uses.

C – Fill in missing roles (perhaps no one wants to play a cleric, but the game requires one, so a rogue with the ritual feat should be able to manage the barest minimum). Right now clerics and wizards are necessary. Tag some more spells, and they won’t be, which would be a huge boost to the classes left behind.

D – Supply some extra spells for those with too few.

E – Supply some cool things for non-casters. This includes tagging some cantrips. Sure the casters won’t care, but how about a fighter who takes the ritual feat so he can ritually cast Mending each night on his slashed tunic.

F – Allow a way for situational spells to be used, the ones no one will normally take because they are only needed for that one situation. Yes, Wizards can already deal with this by changing their prepared spell, but maybe every party shouldn’t require a wizard, and right now, they do. Also allows bad spells to be used. Hey, bad spells can be fun, but not if taking them means all your companions die because you didn’t take the good spells.

So how do I patch ritual casting?

1 – Rituals should be REALLY noticeable (this gets rid of most valid complaints against enlarging the ritual spell pool. Ritual should add a lot of movement and sound to casting a spell. It shouldn’t be subtle. If you can pull off 10 minutes of somehow prancing about and yelling and moaning to perform a ritual spell to attack a shop keeper, then you deserve to be able to do it.

2 – Drop Sorcerer from the Ritual Feat. There’s only 4 ritual spells on the sorcerer list and the sorcerer class doesn’t grant the ability to cast those as rituals (nor should it based on how their magic is supposed to work, if you care about the lore of D&D). Also, limit taking “warlock” from the feat except by warlocks—that magic comes from a deal. Additionally, “cleric” and “druid” only should be options for true believers.

3 – Make the Ritual in “Ritual Casting” class-specific. Clerics are begging their god for a boon, so their rituals should be lots of dropping to their knees, beseeching the sky and self flagellation. (See the Priests scene in the movie Wizards). I’d add a requirement for a second person for back up prayers or “halleluiahs” or the like. Bards should be playing a song or interpretive dance. I’d add a second person on drums (see any voodoo movie from the ‘30s). Wizards should be rushing about, drawing circles and symbols in the air. Add a helper to hold his book open. And Druids…make them have to be meditating in nature. Yeah, it screws them over, but druids are already screwed over.

4 – Add enough to rituals (and good ones) for other classes so we can at least pretend there is a choice other than Wizard for the feat.

5 – EXPAND the number of spells with the ritual tag. I’ve done this. Just take them. Adding ritual tags to these will not have huge game-changing/balance effect, but will have a relatively small positive effect.

Additional Ritual Spells

Cantrips
• Encode Thoughts [W]
• Light [B C W]
• Mending [B C D W]

1st Level
• Create or Destroy Water [C D]
• Cure Wounds [B C D]
• Detect Evil and Good [C]

2nd Level
• Arcane Lock [W]
• Find Steed [*P*]
• Lesser Restoration [B C D]
• Locate Object [B C D W]
• Nystul’s Magic Aura [W]

3rd Level
• Create Food and Water [C]
• Dispel Magic [B C W]
• Gaseous Form [W]
• Nondetection [B W]
• Remove Curse [C W]
• Sending [B C W]
• Speak with Dead [B C]
• Speak with Plants [B D]

4th Level
• Banishment [C W]
• Find Greater Steed [*P*]
• Leomund’s Secret Chest [W]
• Locate Creature [B C D W]

5th Level
• Greater Restoration [B C D]

6th Level
• Arcane Gate [W]
• Word of Recall [C]

7th Level
• Etherealness [B C W]
• Plane Shift [C D W]
• Sequester [W]
• Teleport [B W]

 

That’s enough to at least make ritual casting look less silly.

It’s tempting to add a few combat spells, like Fireball, just to see all the amusing uses one could find for them out of combat.

Now I’d like to have every Conjure creature spell on the ritual list, but I know 5e was trying to nerf conjurers, and a bunch more conjuring would slow the game to a crawl, so I left them off. Since about half the Wall spells are weak and will never be used (I’m looking at you Wall of Ice), I would have liked to put them on this list—but consistency matters, and I don’t want to put on the good Wall spells (i.e. Wall of Force).

The arguments against having some of these as rituals are quite funny. My favorite is the guy who said that if Banishment was a ritual, everyone would be using it to get past guards. Really? Huh. So, you’re going to be within 60 feet of the guards for 10+ minutes, making noise and waiving about. Sounds like the most likely result is the party getting ambushed and arrested by the group the guards sent when they saw you 9 minutes ago. Also, if you are trying to pass by secretly, sending a guard to another plane and letting him return will accomplish the opposite result as there’s going to be a whole lot of yelling when he gets back.  Now sending a restrained demon home or frightening a captive—those are actual uses.

For reference, all current ritual spells:

1st Level
• Alarm [W]
• Ceremony [C]
• Comprehend Languages [B W]
• Detect Magic [B C D W]
• Detect Poison and Disease [C D]
• Find Familiar [W]
• Identify [B W]
• Illusory Script [B W]
• Purify Food and Drink [C D]
• Speak with Animals [B D]
• Tenser’s Floating Disk [W]
• Unseen Servant [B W]

2nd Level
• Animal Messenger [B D]
• Augury [C]
• Beast Sense [D]
• Gentle Repose [C W]
• Locate Animals or Plants [B D]
• Magic Mouth [B W]
• Silence [B C]
• Skywrite [B D W]
• Wristpocket [W]

3rd Level
• Feign Death [B C D W]
• Leomund’s Tiny Hut [B W]
• Meld into Stone [C D]
• Phantom Steed [W]
• Water Breathing [D W]
• Water Walk [C D]

4th Level
• Divination [C]

5th Level
• Commune [C]
• Commune with Nature [D]
• Contact Other Plane [W]
• Rary’s Telepathic Bond [W]
• Telepathic Bond [W]

6th Level
• Drawmij’s Instant Summons [W]
• Forbiddance [C]

 D&D, Thoughts

Homebrew Find Familiar

Apr 132020
  April 13, 2020

Explanations, Justifications and Options
My Version
Familiar Spells
Familiar Buffs

 

 Explanations, Justifications, and Options

OK, why mess with Find Familiar? Easy answer: the spell’s fun. It’s always been fun. It’s one of the most fun spells in the history of D&D (when it was a spell; sometimes it was a fun feat). But in 5e, it gets less fun, because it gets weak as you level. At level 1, it is one of the most powerful spells in the game. By 5th, it’s running with the pack and by 10th, it’s in the back of the pack. Higher, it’s trivial. As one person put in on a forum, even if you level up the creature called, at later levels, it’s just an accouterment for a character’s outfit. It just doesn’t scale. Other spells do. It doesn’t.

OK, well, can’t we have fun with a weak spell? In Advanced D&D, 2e, and 3e, absolutely. But with 4e and 5e, not so much. In design, “balance” now means much more than storytelling. So now, yeah, fun things need to be useful. And as I’ve read on the Internet (so it must be true), Find Familiar was de-powered for the same reason that the Ranger class got messed up—that is, the design team was overacting to overpowering summoning in previous versions.

So, it needs to be homebrewed (so that it scales when cast using a higher spell slot). Many people agree as no other spell gets so much homebrew attention. Everyone wants to mess with it. WotC does too as they’ve tried to fix their mistake by adding new spells—Create Homunculus and to a lesser extent Find Greater Steed, and the ridiculous Flock of Familairs. But these and the homebrews I’ve seen don’t fix it and familiars still end up as “accouterments.” The reason is the spell doesn’t call a familiar; it calls a spy-pet. A spy-pet is great at lvl 1. At level 15…nah. Most of the homebrews change the spell to call creatures with higher CRs, but while that isn’t a bad thing, it just gives you a bigger spy-pet, so now you’ve got a wolf instead of a cat. Shrug. The other most common is to allow the familiar to level up–gain hit dice, +2 to abilities, etc. Again, not a terrible idea, but just gives you a stronger spy-pet and high level casters can already summon much stronger things. A familiar is supposed to protect the caster and aid in casting/learning to cast magic. A bit of spying is fine, but it’s primary purpose shouldn’t be spying or using the help action to give your allies advantage. You want a spy-pet? Be the crappy Ranger they’ve designed. I want a familiar.

So, for homebrewing, up-casting Find Familiar should:

1—Allow for slightly “better” creatures, CR-wise.
2—Give some color and flair to the familiar
3—Decrease its use as a spy-pet/meat-shield/ally-helper
4—Make it directly helpful to the caster with magic

Will this all make for a longer and more complex spell? Sure, but anyone who wants to use it will be happy to dwell on this.

#1 is easy. Just allow more creatures, and when Find Familiar is cast with a higher level slot, allow for higher CR. Now I’d stick to Tiny and Small creatures (so it can sit on your shoulder), but, historically (IRL) horses have been familiars, so, up to you, but I like Tiny and small. As for the CR, allow 1/8 CR with a 2nd level slot, ¼ CR with a 4th, etc. If you care about stepping on the toes of the Chainlock (and why would you care about that? Really?), then cut it off at ½ CR, but I’d go to 1, and others online suggest higher. But since it doesn’t actually make much difference, all you really need to do is open it up a bit (so we can get the monkey, raccoon, tressym, and almiraj in!)

#2 is easy as well. First, give the familiar a cantrip. Specifically one of Prestidigitation, Thaumaturgy, or Druidcraft. This will cause zero balance problems as they are 90% for show. But come on, having your cat clean your clothing with Prestidigitation, your Frog let out a super-loud belch with Thaumaturgy, and your Bat lighting a candle when you are reading are all just fun. ABSOLTUELY DO THIS. The other thing is to let players design their familiar. How about a tiny elephant? A hand (The Addams Family’s Thing)? Familars are spirits, not creatures, so they can look like anything. As long as they aren’t given any scores/skills way outside of what the current ones get (nothing faster than the hawk, around 2 skills, etc), it’s fine.

#3 is easy too, but meaner as here I’d take away power from the familiar (so don’t do this unless you are doing #4) by returning an old idea to the game. That is, your familiar dying hurts you. I’m not suggesting anything as extreme as Advanced D&D had, where you lost permanent points. A good option would be the caster taking the familiars hits worth of damage when it dies (a good choice if you choose to allow familiars to level as many homebrewers do—if the familiar has 5 hit dice, you’ll feel that damage). I like the idea of imposing a negative condition when it dies, such as the caster is “mentally” poisoned until it makes a WIL save (incapacitated, stunned, or unconscious also work if you want to be meaner). This will keep the caster from sending the familiar into combat, including for the help action, particularly if the save is at a negative or multiple saves are required. Now, if doing this, the familiar needs to be protected under other circumstances (which I’ll get into in 4), so it doesn’t go dying from every AOL fireball tossed your way. Now you can allow the familiar to have the attack action because they won’t be using it. Not letting them attack was a silly game mechanic that’s main problem is everyone notices it’s a game mechanic. But if the caster is de-buffed when the familiar dies, he’s going to be keeping it away from battle. Which means a cat can scratch a peasant who tries to kick it, which it can’t do now.

#4 is not so easy. The idea is to have familiars protect and aid with casting, so here are a few options. I’m not expecting you to use all of them—just some. Unless you choose the last. Then take them all:

4-1. Give it the Arcana skill. It can help on Arcana checks and/or you get advantage on Arcana checks. IT’S A FAMILIAR! THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD BE DOING

4-2. A familiar may be used as a focus (Again, IT’S A FAMILIAR! THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD BE DOING)

4-3. +1 INT for each spell slot lvl above 1st. (IT’S A FAMILIAR! IT’S SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON).

4-4. Fix the gaming mechanic for it casting your touch spells. Move the familiar’s Initiative to always come after the caster’s or wrap their turns together, and drop the requirement of using the caster’s reaction. The way it is currently slows the game. This isn’t a big deal because unless you have healing, you’re not doing this much anyway.

4-5. Allow the “Use their Senses” ability without requiring a standard action (either bonus action or none at all). In reality, this would 90% be used to gain dark vision (Dark vision, that thing that almost all characters have already, and if they don’t have, they buy goggles eventually). But come on, doing a cat-sniff-sense during a battle would be cute.

4-6. Add a “Still Mode” (as in 4e and as used in 5e for the UA Raven Queen Pact). When the familiar is parked on your shoulder (in your arms, etc), it can’t take regular actions/bonus actions/reactions, though it can still “talk” to you. In this state it cannot be targeted, except by you, and is immune to all damage. As a DM, you want this. Speeds up the game.

  • While in Still Mode, it grants you a “buff”- normally Advantage on one skill check based on kind of familiar (since it can’t be taking help actions any more). So, Perception (based on sight) from a Hawk. Stealth from a cat. Perception is the expected from an Owl, but I’d go symbolic and give History. Others have made lists for this—again, comes from 3 & 4e, where it worked if the familiar was up to a mile away. (I’ve listed possible buffs below.)
  • And if you won’t give #4-5’s “use their senses” without using up an action normally, do it when they are in Still Mode.

4-7. Level them. Add 1D4 to hits, +1 to saves, +2 to characteristics for each higher spell slot used. I am dubious on this, mainly because I think it adds complexity without real benefit. But, it’s what everyone suggests, and it shouldn’t hurt as long as you are using #3 (otherwise, it will be a meat-shield). I’d rather give them resistance to all damage and be done with it. Well, that and Immunity to Charm (Do this—no one should be able to take over your familiar).

4-8. Give the familiar spells. This can be done in cool ways without significant balance issues. Such as:

  • Give it only Non-Damage doing cantrips. Look, Spare the Dying sucks. No 5th level Cleric who isn’t a disappointment to his mother will have this thing. He’ll just use Healing Word. Or anyone in your party will use a medical check. But, having your Raven fly down and land on your chest to stabilize you is kinda cool. Also Dancing Lights, because it’s a fun-ish spell that no spell caster would waste concentration on—but imagine a cat casting it to then chasing the lights around. Give it one cantrip per spell level used to call it.
  • Give it low level spells from a list you choose (well, I’ve chosen one listed below). Give it spells that no caster would still have, like Sleep. Sleep is perfect as it’s of little value at high level, but it shouldn’t be completely forgotten. Plus, room for fun roleplay: You are ignoring your cat to talk to some guys in a pub. Cat decides to put them to sleep. Hey, familiar is loyal, but doesn’t mean it can’t be pushy. Sudden Awakening would be another good one. Also, defensive spells with range of Self—so only helps the familiar. Let this happen only when Find Familiar is cast as a 3rd level spell or higher so we know the chosen spells time is past..
  • Give it Detect Magic IT’S A FAMILIAR! THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD BE DOING. Also other detection spells (Evil and Good).

4-9. Gives a plus to magic casting—either in the from of Disadvantage to your target’s spell saves (generally or for a specific type of spell), or you gain advantage on your spell saves when attacked, or a +1 to your spell DC. OK, this is different. Up to now, most of what I’ve suggested has been minor. This is major. This is the one that makes you keep around a familiar, This is where I’ll get accused of messing up balance and over-powering a spell even if I’m requiring a 5th level spell slot. So, some adjusting has to be done. 1st, I’d suggest this when the familiar is in still mode (so doesn’t work if he’s spying). Second, let’s think—there are things that already give this. Magic Items. And your familiar is magically connected to you. So, have it require an attunement slot. If you have a familiar called using a 4th level spot or higher, it uses up 1 attunement spot. So yes, a powerful ability, but that means no Staff of the Magi. Basically, Call Familiar at high levels becomes a much cooler way of getting a magic item, and yes, getting it via a familiar is cooler than going on a quest for an item because there’s more personality involved. Balance restored, and fun spell.

So – three ways you can go.

If Cautious – Spell Casting Familiar
Just adds some cantrips and a few spells. Very little effect on game or combat, but sparks up the fun a lot.

If Old-School – Buffing Familiar
Just adds Still Mode and skill buffs. Again, very little effect on game or combat, unless you add easy access to its senses, in which case, in practice, darkvision.

If Up for Change – True Familiar
Adds ability to aid spell casting but takes up an attunement slot.

 

My Homebrew Find Familiar

Here’s my version. Add to current spell:

At Higher Levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 2nd level or higher, the familiar called gains the Arcana skill, gains one cantrip chosen from Prestidigitation, Thaumaturgy, or Druidcraft, gains the ability to attack, and gains Still Mode. In Still Mode the caster gains advantage on one skill dependent on the form of the familiar, and can switch to using the familiar’s senses without using an action. If the familiar dies, the caster is “mentally” poisoned until he makes 3 WIL saves.

The familiar gains +1 INT and may choose 1 cantrip (from the Familiar Spell list) for each slot level above 1st. Starting at slot level 3, it may gain a 1st level spell from the list (usable once per short rest) instead of a cantrip.

If you cast the spell using a 5th level slot or above, you may choose one school of magic; when your familiar is in Still Mode, opponents have disadvantage when saving from your spells of that school. This uses one attunement slot.

If you cast the spell using a 7th level slot or above, you may chose a +1 to your spell DC instead of choosing a school of magic.

Familiar Spell List

Cantrips
• Blade Ward
• Control Flames
• Dancing Lights
• Encode Thoughts
• Friends
• Gust
• Mending
• Mold Earth
• Shape Water
• Spare the Dying

1st Level
• Alarm
• Animal Friendship
• Charm Person
• Comprehend Languages
• Detect Evil and Good
• Detect Magic
• Disguise Self
• Expeditious Retreat
• False Life
• Sense Emotion
• Sleep
• Speak with Animals
• Sudden Awakening

Familiar Buffs (in Still Mode)

All Buffs are in addition to one for Arcana. Each buff is advantage on the stated skill check.
Almiraj: Survival
Bat: Perception related to hearing
Cat: Stealth to move silently
Crab: Intimidation
Frog: Nature
Hawk: Perception related to sight
Monkey: Investigation
Lizard: Athletics to climb
Octopus: Stealth to hide
Owl: History
Poisonous snake: Deception
Quipper: Athletics
Rat: Perception related to smell
Rabbit: Acrobatics/Strength for jumping
Raccoon: Slight of Hand
Raven: Performance
Sea horse: Acrobatics in water
Tressym: Acrobatics for balance
Spider: Medicine
Weasel: Perception related to hearing or smell

 D&D, Thoughts

Ranking Versions of Heaven on Their Minds (Easter Rabbit Hole)

Apr 122020
  April 12, 2020

I fell into an Easter Youtube Rabbit Hole. Was listening to one version of Heaven On Their Minds (my favorite song from Jesus Christ Superstar), which led to another which led to another. So I ranked 29 of them.

And you can find a lot of them: Broadway Cast; London Cast; Italian; Korean; Swedish. There are more then I’ve listed. I didn’t include any version that was technically too poor to judge with the others (and skipped a few where it was a less professional version that would have rated low as that seemed mean). And then I skipped a few I couldn’t figure out what they were from.

After a while I got lost in them, so I’m sure of the top 3 and bottom 6, but after that it’s confusing. None are bad, and anything above #23 is good. Hey, I’ve got them all here so you can judge for yourself, assuming you’ve got nothing to do. Listen to a few…or twenty.

Heaven On Their Minds (with links):

 

#29 – Queensrÿche (2007)

 

#28- Jodie Steele (2015)

 

#27 – Alírio Netto (2019)

 

#26 – Brandon Victor Dixon (2018)

 

#25 – Stephen Tate (1972)

 

#24 – David Gallegos (2016)

 

#23 – Josh Young (2012)

 

#22 – Jerome Pradon (2000 film)

 

#21 – Drew Sarich (2005)

 

#20 – Peter Johansson (2014?)

 

#19 – Jon English (1972)

 

#18 – Jon Stevens (1992)

 

#17 – Zubin Varla (1996)

 

#16 – Hannah Zazz (2018)

 

#15 – School of Rock (2018)

 

#14 – Traq (2013)

 

#13 – Roger Daltrey (1996)

 

#12 – Fabrizio Angelina (2006) – Italian

 

#11 – Carl Lindquist (2015)

 

#10 – Tim Minchin (2012)

 

#09 -한지상 MV? (2015?) – Korean

 

#08 -Patrick Martinsson (2008?)

 

#07 – Ben Vereen (1971)

 

#06 – Martin van der Starre (2012)

 

#05 – Tyrone Huntley (2016)

 

#04 – 최재림 MV? (2015?) – Korean

 

#03 – Jan Dulles (2005)

 

#02 – Carl Anderson (1973)

 

#01 – Murry Head (1970)

 

And the list again without the links as it might be easier to read:
#28 – Queensrÿche (2007)
#27 – Jodie Steele (2015)
#26 – Alírio Netto (2019)
#25 – Josh Young (2012)
#24 – Brandon Victor Dixon (2018)
#23 – Stephen Tate (1972)
#22 – David Gallegos (2016)
#22 – Jerome Pradon (2000)
#20 – Drew Sarich (2005)
#19 – Peter Johansson (2014?) – Swedish
#18 – Jon English (1972)
#17 – Jon Stevens (1992)
#16 – Zubin Varla (1996)
#15 – Hannah Zazz (2018)
#14 – School of Rock (2018)
#13 – Traq (2013)
#12 – Roger Daltrey (1996)
#11 – Fabrizio Angelina (2006) – Italian
#10 – Carl Lindquist (2015)
#09 – Tim Minchin (2012)
#08 – 한지상 MV? (2015?) – Korean
#07 – Patrick Martinsson (2008?)
#06 – Ben Vereen (1971)
#06 – Martin van der Starre (2012)
#05 – Tyrone Huntley (2016)
#04 – 최재림 MV? (2015?) – Korean
#03 – Jan Dulles (2005)
#02 – Carl Anderson (1973)
#01 – Murry Head (1970)

 Thoughts

Best Films for Easter

Apr 122020
  April 12, 2020

Good Easter films are hard to come by. It’s not really a shock as the drama of the story is pretty much over by the time we get to Easter. Still, Hollywood should have been able to do better. Have you tried sitting through The Greatest Story Ever Told? So unless you are a fan of torture porn (ah, that Mel Gibson), you could use a bit of guidance. Enter me, and my list of nine films to watch at Easter.

#9 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – It’s magical fantasy, with a Jesus allegory lion. Yup, there’s even an allegory Crucifixion and rising from the dead.

 

#8 Easter Parade – OK, it actually is a pretty weak Fred Astaire musical, but it is still a Fred Astaire (and Judy Garland) musical, so it has its moments, in particular, they sing the song Easter Parade. Now THAT’s Easter.

 

#7. Chocolat – A chocolate shop may have more than mundane effects on a traditional French village during Lent. Yup, Easter is relevant.

 

#6. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit – As far as quality this one goes higher on the list. It’s charming on every level. You get all the goodness of Wallace and Gromit plus an homage to the old Universal monster movies. It’s connection is a bit tenuous, but bunnies play a big role, so if Easter is all about bunnies, you’re set.

 

#5 Jesus Christ Superstar – More of a pre-Easter film, Jesus Christ Superstar has some great songs and emotional moments, plus politics and religion and philosophy.

 

#4 Harvey – A happy man with a giant invisible rabbit as his best friend upsets his uptight family. This may be Stewart’s best performance. It is certainly his most unusual. Not an Easter film? It has a giant rabbit! What more do you want?

 

#3 The Ten Commandments – So it doesn’t have that much to do with Easter, directly, but somewhere network execs forgot that and it has become an Easter Tradition. It’s the best of the over-the-top Biblical epics. If you like your God movies turned up to 11, this is the one you want.

 

#2 The Life of Brian – Perhaps the smartest comedy ever made. If you are going to make a movie about torturing a guy to death on a cross, this is the way to do it.

 

#1 The Wicker Man – Does any movie have more to say about sacrifice and the importance of religion in society? It’s all about Spring, plus, there’s music. Gather the kids and enjoy. (OK, if you don’t know it, maybe don’t gather the kids.) Note, I’m talking about the ‘70s original, not the horrendous Nickolas Cage remake.

 Thoughts

The Best Films of Elsa Lanchester

Oct 312019
  October 31, 2019

elsa lanchesterUnusual both on and off screen, Elsa Lanchester was a skilled and artistic actress, and Hollywood never figured out what to do with her. She could have made a great leading lady, with her unconventional beauty and dancer’s body, but was only given leading parts twice (both mentioned below). Most often she was relegated to support status, often in quite small parts as maids and housekeepers, where her quirkiness was an asset. But this suited her as she was more interested in live performances, particularly of the music hall variety.

Besides being the Bride of Frankenstein, she is probably best known as the wife of Charles Laughton. They appeared together in twelve films.

An honorable mention to Mystery Street (1950), a solid B&W police procedural, where she’s a landlady who thinks that blackmailing a murderer is a good idea, and to the rat-filled horror film Willard, which was in tight competition for 8th place below. Additionally, a couple of honorable mentions for bit parts opposite Laughton, in the anthology film Tales of Manhattan (1942) and The Private Life of Henry VIII (1933), as well as one for her cameo in Mary Poppins (1964)—the part is too small to count for her list.

On to her top 8:

#8 – Passport to Destiny (1944) — Lanchester finally gets a leading part and top billing in this strange little wartime comedy. The first part is charming; she believes she’s invulnerable due to a magic eye, so waltzes into Germany with the intention of assassinating Hitler. The second half takes it a bit too seriously, but as a whole it’s fun and worth seeking out.

#7 – The Beachcomber (1938) — An African Queen-like tale, though lighter, with Lanchester in her only other leading role, as a prim and prissy missionary’s sister, and Charles Laughton as a boozy reprobate. Robert Newton is the bored magistrate who envies the wild life. Lanchester is superb and is the reason to watch. The rest is good, but she’s superb.

#6 – The Spiral Starcase (1946) — A tense Old Dark House mystery filmed in luscious, deep focus B&W, in which a killer is hunting “imperfect” women. Unfortunately Lanchester’s part is small as the housekeeper, but as always, she’s memorable. (My review)

#5 – Bell Book and Candle (1958) — This should be on everyone’s Halloween viewing list, or Christmas. Jimmy Stewart is a bit gray for his starring role in a supernatural romantic comedy, but Kim Novak is breathtaking as a powerful, sexy witch and Ernie Kovacs, Jack Lemmon, and Lanchester are all marvelous. [Also on the Jack Lemmon list and the James Stewart list]

#4 – The Big Clock (1948) — One of the great Film Noirs; Ray Milland is placed in charge of an investigation to find a man who turns out to be himself. Lanchester plays an avant-garde artist who knows something odd is going on with the search. Remade in ’87 as No Way Out with Kevin Costner. [Also on the Ray Milland list] (Full Critique)

#3 – The Bishop’s Wife (1947) — A Christmas classic. David Niven is a bishop who has lost his way and Cary Grant is the angel who comes to help, but also makes things uncomfortable. Once again, Lanchester is in a supporting role. [Also on the David Niven list]

#2 – Witness for the Prosecution (1957) — A courtroom thriller, it’s the best adaptation of an Agatha Christie story, and is often mistaken for a Hitchcock film. It’s Marlene Dietrich’s best film, and arguably Laughton’s. Lanchester was nominated for an Oscar for Supporting Actress for her role as the greatly put upon nurse. The dialog is fast and funny, and the mystery is solid, with one of the great film twists. [Also on the Great Director’s List for Billy Wilder]

#1 – Bride of Frankenstein (1935) — Arguably the greatest horror film of all time, and the greatest sequel of all time. It is weird and wild. Sure it’s horror, but it’s also black comedy and satire. Lanchester plays duel roles, as Mary Shelley and The Bride, and is dark, sexy, and engaging. Her screen time is brief, but in it she became an icon. [Also on The Boris Karloff List and on the Great Director’s List for James Whale] (My review)

 Actor Best Lists, Lists, Thoughts

The Best Films of Lon Chaney Jr.

Oct 212019
  October 21, 2019

LonChaneyjrThe third of the Big Three icons of classic horror (Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney Jr.), Chaney may have come on the scene last, but he was born for it. Lon Chaney Sr. had been the lone icon of silent horror and Creighton Chaney spent much of his career chasing his father’s star, though the name change to Lon Jr. was not his idea. He was king of the Universal monster films of the 1940s, playing The Wolf Man five time, Dracula (in Son of Dracula), Frankenstein’s Monster (in The Ghost of Frankenstein), and The Mummy Kharis in three films. He died never knowing the heights he had attained, or that new generations would know him better than his father.

He was more often a character actor. When he was the lead it was normally a B-picture. In later years, he ended up in what I call C & D-pictures, hired just for his name. His alcoholism didn’t help.

An honorable mention to Chaney’s 2nd, 3rd and 4th appearances as Larry Talbot, The Wolf Man, in the monster mashes Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943), House of Frankenstein (1944) and House of Dracula (1945). Each is a little weaker than it’s predecessor, but the films are still fun and The Wolf Man is good in all of them.

8 — The Defiant Ones (1958) – The first of Stanley Kramer’s socially conscious message pictures. It made a strong statement on racism and had a major part in destroying the black list. It’s also shot well, but the theme overwhelms the picture, giving us speeches instead of conversations. Chaney has a small but important role as an ex-con that helps our escaping convicts.

7 — The Haunted Palace (1963) – A Lovecraft film (though marketed as Poe) starring Vincent Price as a man being possessed by his ancestor. Chaney acts as the evil man’s assistant. There’s little new here, but what’s old is quite good. (My review)

6 — Of Mice and Men (1939) – This is a good adaptation of a good novel and Chaney is…good. Certainly the film has had a noticeable effect upon pop culture (“Let me pet the rabbit George”) but it’s a bit too simple to be that interesting. If this was a list of my favorites, I’d rank The Haunted Palace and Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man above it, but this is a “best” list.

5 — High Noon (1952) – It’s aged poorly, with uneven acting, slight characters. and dialog that’s hard to take seriously, but it was a metaphor for the communist witch hunt of the House Un-American Activities Committee at a time when such a metaphor was needed. Chaney plays a retired lawman and his is the best performance in the film. As with my 6th place film, it would be lower on a favorites list.

4 — My Favorite Brunette (1947) – Bob Hope teams with his Road picture co-star Dorothy Lamour in a Noir spoof that has him battling Peter Lorre and Chaney. [Also on the Bob Hope list]

3 — Spider Baby or, the Maddest Story Ever Told (1967) – This weird cult films acts as a bridge between the old dark house movies of the ‘30s & ‘40s and the degenerate family gore-fests of the ‘70s and later. It’s darkly comedic, and reasonably messed up. Chaney gives his best performance in at least 20 years.

2 — Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) – One of the top horror comedies ever made, and surprisingly, one of the better Universal Horror films, and by far their best monster mashup. It’s only the second time Bela Lugosi played Dracula on screen and it is a welcome return. Chaney is good as The Wolf Man, the plot works, and Abbott and Costello are at their best. [Also on the Bela Lugosi list]

1 — The Wolf Man (1941) – This is the movie that created everything that has become part of the modern view of werewolves. Bela Lugosi, Claude Rains, and Evelyn Ankers are fantastic in this masterpiece while Chaney puts in the performance of his lifetime. It’s romantic, exciting, scary, and tragic. [Also on the Bela Lugosi list] (Quick review)

 Actor Best Lists, Lists, Thoughts

Good Omens – Fun, but Disappointing

Jun 232019
  June 23, 2019

GoodOmensI enjoyed the Neil-Gaiman-Terry-Pratchett-based mini-series Good Omens well enough, but I was filled the entire time with the feeling that it should be more. Crowley, the not-so-evil demon is delightful, and David Tennant’s performance even more so. The interaction between Cowley and the angel Aziraphale (Michael Sheen) is a good time, though it’s mainly Cowley, and those two are the heart of the series.

The story is fine. It goes pretty much exactly where you’d expect it to go with the setup and the fluffy sitcom tone. With a darker, more satiric edge—with the Antichrist being truly evil and more insightful commentary—it could have been more interesting, but that’s not what they were going for. So, there are no surprises and it’s…fine. Which means it’s all up to the characters to carry the show, that and the jokes. And Crowley and Aziraphale do an excellent job. Cowley rules every scene he’s in, being both hilarious, heartwarming, and a touch scary. Aziraphale makes for a reasonable partner with some nice development moments.

The problem is we leave them. A good deal of time is spent with the four children, and with the witch and witchhunter, and with the witchhunter-sergeant and faux-psychic, and with the four horsemen, all to give us plot points that are obvious. And none of it is funny. Cowley and, to a lesser extent, Aziraphale have tons of great gags. The children have none. The two couples have none. The four horsemen have potential, but again, aren’t funny and give us nothing which isn’t obvious.

And there’s a lot of time spent with these “side” characters—hours. For the most part they aren’t terrible, although the insults of the witchhunter-sergeant do get old quickly, but they add nothing and aren’t amusing on their own. The omniscient view also puts us ahead of all of the characters, and we’re stuck waiting for them to catch up. Sticking to the more limited view of Cowley and Aziraphale would have made for a funnier, more intriguing, and fast moving show. It would have been better to be with Cowley and Aziraphale as they discover they have the wrong Antichrist and join them in their discoveries, instead of us knowing from the beginning exactly what happened.

I’m sounding more negative then the overall series deserves, but the negative stands out. You could even now trim out an hour of the side characters and effect nothing except making the show flow better. If done in production, giving us more of our demon and angel heroes, this could have been great. Instead there’s a lot of filler, and it is passably good.

 Thoughts

Ranking All Godzilla Films

May 312019
  May 31, 2019

Since I already have a page describing Godzilla’s film career, as well as reviews of each of these films (click on the titles to get to the reviews), I can just dig in. There are 33 films: 29 Japanese live-action, 1 three-part anime, and 3 American remakes. So here we go, starting with the worst:

 

#33 – Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

An embarrassment to the six-year-olds it was intended for, there is nothing good about this cheap clip show. It is a successful argument against you ever claiming that Godzilla movies are cool. This is everything wrong with children’s entertainment splatted together into pablum.

 

#32 – Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973)

The ’70s were not a good time for Godzilla. The films were all childish in the worst way, the suit work was…poor, and the stories were even worse than the wrestling movies. And this is the worst of them. Godzilla is an after-thought in his own film which is really a pilot for a rip-off giant robot TV show.

 

#31 – Son of Godzilla (1967)

Yet another of he anti-bullying kids films that has a giant Muppet teaching a toad-man how to stand up for himself. The human side plot is actually the best parts. The money was gone from the franchise, so this was made on a budget and it shows. It takes place on an island because it’s a lot cheaper to have your monster walking around on the ground then to have cities to smash.

 

#30 – Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

The second worst in the run of bad ’70s films (the others are coming soon), this one has intelligent space cockroaches (disguised as humans, of course) controlling an evil monster double-team is a plastic model of Ghidorah and a turkey with a dull spinning blade in its tummy. It looks as stupid as it sounds, and is not helped by the ever-changing appearances of the monsters, that depends on which previous film they swiped the footage from.

 

#29 – Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)

The franchise closed down for nearly a decade after this. So would I. A direct sequel to Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, it continues the trend of aliens (space apes here) controlling monsters to fight Godzilla. There’s nothing good here, but it is less bad than Gigan and Megalon, and that’s some kind of victory for the ’70s.

 

#28 – Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)

The main thing this has going for it is Mechagodzilla. He’s significantly less sill than anything Godzilla had faced in the last decade. The guy in the dog costume who helps Godzilla, he’s every bit as silly. The human story doesn’t mess things up as much as usual, and the aliens controlling Mechagodzilla aren’t good, but aren’t any worse than the previous films’ aliens.

 

#27 – Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla (1994)

The ’90s Godzilla films were a step up, except for this one. A team of first-timers to the franchise slavishly repeated recent errors while bringing back the mistakes of the past.  We’ve got the overly complicated plots of boring humans from the “Heisei” era merged with the poor FX and heroic Godzilla from the earlier “Showa” era, all tied together with a cheap ribbon.

 

#26 – Godzilla (2014)

The worst sin any film can commit is to be boring, and this American reboot is so boring. Godzilla is barely in the film. Instead the runtime is filled with exceptionally uninteresting humans doing things I didn’t care about. It goes on and on and I just wanted the damn “lead” to get squished so he’d be out of the film. So…boring. And this is a color film. Use some color! Every frame is murky teal.

 

#25 – King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962)

Well, it could have been fun, had they been able to make a decent ape suit, but this is one of the worst in a long line of pretty bad costumes. There’s no fun to be had with the giant monsters outside of laughing at them, and thing don’t improve with the “zany” comic relief humans who fall down a lot. But where else can you see Asians in Black-face with Afro-wigs? Is that something you want to see?

 

#24 – Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (1966)

Cheap was the word in the second Godzilla on an island movie. It’s also a film designed for King Kong that only uses Godzilla due to licensing problems, which explains why Godzilla suddenly has the hots for a beautiful girl. There’s also a giant lobster, which doesn’t really hurt anything. The result is OK. This is an OK film.

 

#23 – Destroy All Monsters (1968)

If only all the coolness of a giant monster rumble would be a bit less stupid and look less terrible. Well, then it would be Final Wars. There’s lots of monsters, and aliens, and there is a big battle, though most of the time is spent with those annoying humans. I saw this at the theater when I was 7, and enjoyed it, but even then I knew it was dumb as a bag of rocks and wanted better.

 

#22 – Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)

This is essentially a B&W film, with teal taking over for white. But then you can’t see much of anything anyway. Pull back the camera, lay off the fog, and turn on a light other than teal! Besides the look, the tone is deadly. This is a big adventure popcorn movie. And those should be fun. But this is solemn and completely humorless. It’s not thoughtful, so why does it all have to be so grim? There’s a few moments which will get giant monster fans’ blood pumping, but that’s it.

 

#21 – Godzilla vs. Monster Zero (1965)

The first of the space opera Godzilla films that would dominate the ’70s, it’s very campy and fun. Most of our time is spent with two humans; what’s new is that one is American. Toho started sticking one American actor in their monster films to try and sell some tickets State-side. Well, Nick Adams isn’t good, but he isn’t the worst 3rd-rate actor they got for a film (see Russ Tamblyn). This means there is no undubbed version of the film as Adams was dubbed for the Japanese version and everyone else for the English one.

 

#20 – GMK: Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001)

After his success in revitalizing the Gamera franchise, Toho brought in Shusuke Kaneko to do the same for Godzilla.  It didn’t work. The idea is that Godzilla is no longer a radioactive dinosaur, but instead is infused with ghosts. Yeah, he’s supernatural, and to beat him, you need guardian spirits, like Ghidorah, because he’s a good guy.  I suppose this all could have worked, making some grand statement, but it doesn’t. As a serious picture (and this is that), there needed to be a focus on the suffering of some relatable humans, but none are available. All the fighting could be good in a light adventure flick, but this isn’t one of those.

 

#19 – Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)

This reboot (yes, again) is mild fun that avoids many previous problems but never jells. The humans stand around and comment on the action, which is better than them dominating a movie when they’ve got nothing to do. Godzilla himself had never looked better, which is great as this film is all about the monster fighting. Unfortunately, the giant mosquito leaves much to be desired.

 

#18 – Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle for Earth (1992)

Godzilla vs Mothra didn’t need a loose remake, but it got one, with the addition of an evil caterpillar. Godzilla wasn’t even in the first draft but Toho figured their Mothra movie would sell more tickets with Godzilla in it, so there he is. It isn’t bad, but if you want the basic Mothra story, there are several better films to choose from.

 

#17 – Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991)

This may be the stupidest Godzilla film, which really means something. Future evil-doers travel through time, bringing at least one not in on their plan, stop in present day to grab a few folks for no good reason, then travel back to WWII to stop Godzilla from being made and instead, turn 3 bad Muppet puppets into Ghidorah. Helping them is an android that either rollerskates or moves by having the film speed change. It’s all ridiculous, but kinda fun.

 

#16 – Gojira (1984)

For their first official reboot, they wanted to take Godzilla back to his serious and dangerous roots. They went for grim and they succeeded. I assume they also wanted an emotional message and top notch filmmaking as in the ’54 original. There they didn’t do so well. Well, it isn’t fun, but it also isn’t embarrassing, so that’s something.

 

#15 – Godzilla Raids Again (1955)

A new Godzilla arises, mainly around an area of Styrofoam cubes, and has his first battle with another giant monster. The second Godzilla film is very much like the American atomic monster films of the same time. And like most of those, it is enjoyable without being memorable or anything special.

 

#14 – Godzilla Anime Trilogy (2017-19)

There’s so much good here and so much to think about. Unfortunately, there’s also so much talking. And yelling. There are great ideas here, but it needed at least an hour less chatting and arguing.

 

#13 – Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

The one Godzilla film of the ’70s worth seeing and it’s a trip. Godzilla stands up against pollution, represented by a giant glob. Why is there a love-in at the top of a mountain? Why are there inserted animations? Why do all the dancers suddenly have fish heads? This one is meant for those of you who are one toke over the line.

 

#12 – Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002)

In yet another reboot, the government builds a giant robot from the bones of the dead Godzilla from ’54 to fight this new one. While they are fighting, this is great. When not, the focus is on on the awkward and unfulfilled romance, the trials of the drab pilot, a child that blurts out pointless moral mumbojumbo, and the planning of the prime minister and science minister, and none of that is good. But hey, Godzilla is looking good.

 

#11 – Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003)

The only film in the 2000s to carry continuity, we’ve still got Godzilla and Mechagodzilla battling it out. They are joined by Mothra in yet another telling of the basic Mothra story. The human characters are even worse than in the last film, but the monster fights look good, and that’s what you are here for.

 

#10 – Godzilla Resurgence [Shin Godzilla] (2016)

Well, for yet another reboot, this was odd. In the most radical redesign of the monster and its history since the “host of ghosts” version, Godzilla starts out as a string puppet who morphs into a more familiar form, but now with lasers shooting out from all over his body. It’s disco ball Godzilla. He’s also only in the film a few minutes, and could have been cut and replaced by any generic disaster. This film is about how old-school politicians are ineffective, and it is up to a re-energized and right-wing nationalistic youth to save the future.

 

#9 – Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (1993)

Godzilla really did fight a lot of Godzilla robots. And those fights are solid and particularly good for their time. The Godzilla side of this film is really good. The human side is particularly weak.  Don’t pay too much attention until the 20 minute big battle and you’ll be happy.

 

#8 – Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)

Who’d have thought a giant rose would have been one of Godzilla’s best adversaries? She’s interesting and engaging, which are not words one generally uses for these films. There’s more humans vs humans and humans vs Godzilla than Godzilla vs plant, but the side stories are not as problematic as they often are.

 

#7 – Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

If you want stupid fun, this is it. Essentially a remake of 1968′s Destroyed All Monsters, Godzilla: Final Wars is less a movie than it is a celebration of 50 years of Godzilla, as well as genre filmmaking in general. There’s too little Godzilla and way too much time spent with uninteresting humans, but that’s often the case in Godzilla films. This is a fun if nonsensical ride for geek fans, and an overly kinetic mess for anyone else.

 

#6 – Ghidrah, the Three Headed Monster (1964)

It’s all about Ghidrah. The rest isn’t great, but with a golden, three-headed, lightning breathing, planet-destroying dragon in the wings, nothing else matters. Toho was changing the focus from family fun to kids-only, so things got worse rapidly after this. But those films are higher on this list, and this one is a lot of fun.

 

#5 – Godzilla vs. Destroyah (1995)

The end of the Heisei series (’84-’95), Toho decided to kill off Godzilla and do it in as spectacular a fashion as possible. They kept the human side-stories to a minimum and kept the focus where it needed to be: on the giant beast who was about to explode. Destroyah, the villain monster, is lacking, but that’s been true many times before.

 

#4 – Godzilla 2000 (1999)

Godzilla returns after a brief hiatus, in a film that offers nothing new, but does all the old stuff a little better. The effects are snazzier, the acting is less amateurish, the child is less annoying, the buildings and military vehicles are far more realistic, the monster fights are cooler, and the story…well, the story isn’t any stupider.  As a meaningless, fun Godzilla movie, this is one of the best.

 

#3 – Godzilla (1998)

Here I’ll run into trouble. This American reboot gets way more hate than it deserves, mostly for the dumb-ass reason that “That’s not my Godzilla,” a phrase I wouldn’t take seriously from a four-year-old. You know the Japanese Godzilla was once a huge collection of vengeful WWII ghosts. Is that your Godzilla? If you can’t get over the name, just call it something else. This is a fun, light monster romp, It’s not great art, but there aren’t many giant monster movies that are, and only one on this list. It’s well-made FX dinosaurs in New York. Relax and enjoy it.

 

#2 – Godzilla vs. Mothra (1964)

This is how you make a fun, family, adventure film. The humans don’t get in the way, Godzilla is still a monster and not a friend, and Mothra is a god. There’s a message, there’s combat, and it joyful. If you want the best of diakaiju without being deeply serious, this is your place.

 

#1 – Gojira (1954)

And here is were we switch from “fun” films, to genuinely brilliant filmmaking. Great acting, great score, and a powerful theme. Forget every war movie, drama, or documentary you’ve ever seen connected to the atomic bomb. Want to know what it is like having one dropped on your country? Watch this. It’s so good that the butchered American version is still a decent film and would come in 3rd on this list.

 

 Lists, Thoughts

My Oscar Ballot.

Feb 212019
  February 21, 2019

“oscar600” indicates Best of the options given. “oscar600oscar600” indicates actual Best when the best wasn’t nominated.

 

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

oscar600Christian Bale (Vice)

Bradley Cooper (A Star Is Born)
Willem Dafoe (At Eternity’s Gate)
Rami Malek (Bohemian Rhapsody)
Viggo Mortensen (Green Book)

 

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

oscar600 Adam Driver (Blackkklansman)

Mahershala Ali (Green Book)
Sam Elliott (A Star Is Born)
Richard E. Grant (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)
Sam Rockwell (Vice)

 

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

oscar600 Olivia Colman (The Favourite)

Yalitza Aparicio (Roma)
Glenn Close (The Wife)
Lady Gaga (A Star Is Born)
Melissa Mccarthy (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)

oscar600oscar600Emma Stone (The Favourite)

 

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

oscar600 Emma Stone (The Favourite)

Amy Adams (Vice)
Marina De Tavira (Roma)
Regina King (If Beale Street Could Talk)
Rachel Weisz (The Favourite)

oscar600oscar600Rachel Weisz (The Favourite)

(This oddness is because they wrongly classified Emma Stone in a supporting role instead of the lead)

 

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

oscar600Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

Incredibles 2
Isle Of Dogs
Mirai
Ralph Breaks The Internet

 

CINEMATOGRAPHY

oscar600Never Look Away

Cold War
The Favourite
Roma
A Star Is Born

oscar600oscar600The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs

 

COSTUME DESIGN

oscar600Black Panther

The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs
The Favourite
Mary Poppins Returns
Mary Queen Of Scots

 

FILM EDITING

oscar600Vice

Blackkklansman
Bohemian Rhapsody
The Favourite
Green Book

oscar600oscar600The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs

 

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING

oscar600Vice

Border
Mary Queen Of Scots

oscar600oscar600Black Panther

 

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)

oscar600Shallow (A Star Is Born)

All The Stars (Black Panther)
I’ll Fight (RBG)
The Place Where Lost Things Go (Mary Poppins Returns)
When A Cowboy Trades His Spurs For Wings (The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs)

oscar600oscar600Hollywood Ending (Anna And The Apocalypse)

 

PRODUCTION DESIGN

oscar600Black Panther

The Favourite
First Man
Mary Poppins Returns
Roma

 

VISUAL EFFECTS

oscar600Avengers: Infinity War

Christopher Robin
First Man
Ready Player One
Solo: A Star Wars Story

 

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

oscar600The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs

Blackkklansman
Can You Ever Forgive Me?
If Beale Street Could Talk
A Star Is Born

oscar600oscar600Death Of Stalin

 

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

oscar600The Favourite

First Reformed
Green Book
Roma
Vice

 

DIRECTING

oscar600Blackkklansman {Spike Lee}

Cold War {Paweł Pawlikowski}
The Favourite {Yorgos Lanthimos}
Roma {Alfonso Cuarón}
Vice {Adam Mckay}

oscar600oscar600The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs {Ethan & Joel Coen}

 

BEST PICTURE

oscar600Blackkklansman

Black Panther
Bohemian Rhapsody
The Favourite
Green Book
Roma
A Star Is Born
Vice

oscar600oscar600Death Of Stalin

 

 

Not included: Sound Mixing/Editing, Live Action/Animated Short Films, Documentaries, Score, and Foreign Film.

 Thoughts

#OscarsNotSoWhite

Feb 202019
  February 20, 2019

oscar600I have a few days to dwell on the Oscar best picture race in different ways (Lying “True” Stories, What the Oscar Bigwigs Want.) and todays will be: #OscarNotSoWhite.

oscar600The first thing to note is that #OscarNotSoWhite does not involve Asians. You see all those Asian led films being nominated? No? Yeah, no one does. Well, the reasonable explanation is that almost no Asians are leading films, so there are none to choose from… Yeah, that makes it so much worse.

oscar600This is the USA, and Asians continue to be invisible in all racial issues. OK, well, what did we get?

oscar600The powers that be were stung by #OscarSoWhite and as people frowning at them leads to poor viewing numbers, they wanted to do something about it. And we’ve got 3 movies (we’ll get to the 4th in a moment) from that: Green Book, BlacKKKlansman, and Black Panther. Are all these films just around as a reaction to the glaring Whiteness? Well, partly and for today I’m talking about that part. Spike Lee pointed out he’d never gotten a directing nom before, and the reason he did this time, as well as his film being nominated, is purely due to that reaction. The Academy tried to patch things by adding some Black members and that diversity got him a nomination. I’m not going to argue with that line of thinking as I see it either as mostly or the very least, partly the truth of things.

oscar600Then the Academy enlarged the number of nominees, mainly to fit in a few films that were popular but won’t win, but that also left some room for “Black” films.

oscar600So let’s look at those 3, starting with Green Book. This Black-led film… Wait… the director is a White guy? Huh. And he did Dumb and Dumber and Something About Mary? OK. Well, at least it is about racism in the country and the star is a Black man… Wait… The star is Viggo Mortensen (White guy) while the Black man (Mahershala Ali) plays his supporting character. OK. The film is based on a true story of a Black pianist being driven through the South… Wait… The story is based on the accounts of the relatives of the White guy. The Black guys family were not consulted and have said the whole thing is a pack of lies. Well, this isn’t looking good. And what is the theme of this film? It’s that racism has nothing to do with institutions, but is purely a personal thing, and if racists (no matter how extreme) and Blacks can just both compromise and meet in the middle and chat a bit, everything will be fine. Oh God. Yeah, this is your 1980s film on racism. Or it’s the film on racism that your Republican Uncle can accept now. This film has little to do with #OscarSoWhite as this this exactly the type of film out-of-touch White people make and have made for years. It’s embarrassing.

oscar600OK, lets get to the ones that are significant. Black Panther is inspirational for Black children. It is a blockbuster, superhero film for the masses with a Black director and a Black cast… none of whom got any nominations… So… yeah. And outside of being the right film at the right moment in time, it is…nice. It is. Is it, outside of it’s significance for diversity, a good enough film for an Oscar nom? Well, some pretty rotten films have gotten noms, so sure. It’s fine. It’s message is aimed at the masses, or at the children of the masses, so everyone can get it, without, you know, thinking. It’s nice. And everyone knows it is an Oscar Best Picture nom because of #OscarSoWhite and because they really wanted a blockbuster. Is it there because it is really good? I’d say no, both to it being that good and to it being there for being that good, but the second is the important part while the first is just my review.

oscar600Which leads us to BlacKKKlansman. This is a great film with something more interesting to say about racism while still making it understandable to the masses. It’s brilliantly performed and directed, and that director is Spike Frickin’ Lee, who’s been ignored forever. It’s funny, emotional, and meaningful, and according to Lee, it got here because the Academy didn’t want more bad press about racial issues. And according to the odds-makers, it doesn’t have a chance of winning. Lee has a decent one for Best Director purely as an “Ooopsy, we forgot you for 30 years” award, but not the film.

oscar600Black Panther, on the other hand, has a chance. Not a good one, but a chance, mainly because of how Oscar voting works. Getting a 2nd or 3rd place vote on a ballot is nearly as good as 1st, and Black Panther could make a lot of 3rd places. Still, unlikely, but possible. And if it wins, it wil be beating Spike Lee and BlacKKKlansman, and that is just sad. Black Panther doesn’t need this win, but BlacKKKlansman could use it, to push it a bit higher in the public consciousness. Black Panther will always be the first Black-led blockbuster to receive a nomination, but once we have a 2nd and a 3rd, it will be seen less for its cultural moment, and more for its storytelling, and it will fade, while BlacKKKlansman will always be great.

oscar600Of course a far more likely option is that all those elderly White voters who are trying to be with it will pick Green Book. Yeah. So, there’s that.

oscar600Which means it’s time to bring up the current favorite for Best Picture, the non-Black #OscarNotSoWhite film, Roma. And that’s a weird one. There’s lots to talk about with it (as an anti-Blockbuster, we’re ARTISTS statement, as a plug for new technologies, as a crushing rebuke of what the Oscar bigwigs have been trying to do, etc), but that’s for a different post. For this one, I’d say that Roma stands in a different area as it is a Foreign film. It’s not an American film made by Hispanics as we don’t have those. And it isn’t being looked at the same way. It doesn’t seem to be part of any American racial statement (oh, its nomination is a statement, just not a reaction to #OscarSoWhite). It’s part of other conversations.

oscar600So for this year, looking at the three films that are part of this conversation, Green Book is embarrassing, but as long as it doesn’t win, it is only a little embarrassing. It is wonderful that Black Panther was nominated, but it needs not to win. And BlacKKKlansman should win for multiple reasons, but it looks like it won’t.

 Thoughts
1 2 3 4 … 18 19