Realtor Jim Evers (Eddie Murphy), his partner and wife Sara (Marsha Thomason), and their kids, stop off to check out the Gracy Mansion. Marooned due to a storm, they meet the overly formal butler, Ramsley (Terence Stamp), the master of the house, Edward Gracey (Nathaniel Parker), and a lot of ghosts. To save his wife, Jim must uncover the secret of the mansions. Luckily, he has the help of two servants (Wallace Shawn, Dina Waters), and a gypsy in a crystal ball (Jennifer Tilly).
It’s simple. Eddy Murphy isn’t funny. Some of us mistakenly thought he was, long ago, but apparently, we were wrong. He seemed funny in Trading Places but that was due to the script, or the other actors, or a solar eclipse. Watch The Haunted Mansion, and it will be clear that this man could never, ever, have been funny.
OK, discounting Eddie Murphy, how is The Haunted Mansion? Well, have you ever been to the “ride” at Disney Land? It’s a nice ride. Kinda fun. Not wildly fun. Not something you’ll feel the need to do a second time. But it’s not bad, with lots of cool effects. When it was over, I was glad I’d been on it. And then I got a snack at some little gazebo, listening to a band as I overlooked grown men dressed up as mice and dogs annoying children. The film is a lot like that, only less. If you could get a snack afterward, while watching a guy wearing a giant fake head, it would be even better.
Once again, the good folks at Disney have proven they can make things look really nice, and that’s about all your average three-year-old needs. But anyone beyond the Elmo stage of entertainment wants a bit more, and that’s where things run into trouble. You see, “family” entertainment does not need a family onscreen (something they realized ever so briefly while making the much better theme park ride movie, Pirates of the Caribbean). Nor does it need constant moralizing and endless father-child chats. It could use some excitement and real humor. But much of The Haunted Mansion‘s short running time is taken up by these unnecessary and uninteresting family moments.
The story, what there is of one, follows the ghost story standard. Something tragic happened to cause the hauntings, and Jim and Sara Evers must find out what. When they do, and confront the ghosts, it’s all over. The only real variation is that the mystery is known by the viewer from the beginning and known by the heroes long before the ending. That works fine for a comedy, but no one told Thomason and Parker (or told writer David Berenbaum who gave them their characters and dialog) that they were in a comedy. They play it straight, which falls flat in a film with so little depth. There is the suggestion of racial issues, with prejudice being at the heart of the ghost-forming tragedy, but in a Disney flick, such subjects are not allowed, so it is dropped.
The supporting players, Stamp, Shawn, Waters, and Tilly do know they are in a comedy, and within the bounds of the weak screenplay, are amusing. Their work, along with the top notch special effects which include lively ghosts and fierce zombies, as well as impressive set designs, leave me wondering what might have been made. There’s a lot of quality mixed into the mess, but it still ends up as a mess.